10 lines that guarantee sex every time by Tracy Winslow In the Powder Room

10 Lines That Guarantee Sex Every Time

Read ’em and weep, fellas—10 (easier said than done) things to say to get some play.

 

My husband and I have been together for over a decade. And while things are still hot (and sometimes bothered), things have morphed in the foreplay department. We have two small children—one of which refuses to sleep for more than 3 consecutive hours. I meander through my days in a fugue of sleep deprivation. When the rare occasion arises that I can actually sleep, there is nothing LESS romantic than being woken up in the middle of the night by my husband for some slap and tickle. In fact, if that happens, my husband is more apt to get an earful of four letter words than a “C’mere stud. Do me now or get out.”

So I’ve compiled a list of 10 things he could say and do for guaranteed action:

1. “Hey honey, I know how tired you’ve been so I got the kids dressed and fed. I don’t know how you do it—fighting with them to brush their teeth!”

2. “Don’t worry about taking the dog out; I’ll take care of it. I know I said he’s your responsibility because I do not want a pet—but I know how hard you’ve been working lately.”

3. “Damn girl! You managed to get out of Target for less than $200? How did you do that?”

4. “I washed all the dishes—even the pots and pans. The dishwasher is running as we speak.”

5. “I needed some t-shirts so I did the laundry AND folded it. The girls helped me put everything away. I noticed that some of your favorite clothes were wrinkled— so I ironed them for you. That way you don’t have to think about it in the morning!”

6. “Don’t worry about cooking after work. I’ve prepared a bunch of things for you. Just pop them in the oven when you get home. Oh, and I made lunches for the kids too.”

7. “I know you can’t stand that lady at Mommy and Me gymnastics—so I’ll take the baby and be openly hostile to her.”

8. “You do so much for this family and never anything for yourself —here’s some money for you to buy something for yourself. And only for yourself. Don’t buy one single thing for the kids.”

9. “Have that piece of cheesecake! You deserve it. I’ll save mine for you too. You were getting too skinny anyway—I like you with some curves.”

10. “Wow. You are so hot. Watch out for all those single guys because they are going to try to steal you away from me.”

All of these are foolproof lies methods GUARANTEED to be getting some action. And WAAAAAAAAAAY more romantic than getting poked in the back at 3 a.m. and hearing “Show me your floobs.”

Tracy Winslow is a SAHM trying not to raise a flock of assholes. Besides crafting cocktails with Zoloft, Tracy can be found cursing, crying into her coffee over her stretch marks, Ouija-boarding her deceased metabolism and blogging humorously about her children and life at her blog, Momaical. Tracy is one of the hilarious co-authors of In the Powder Room’s best-selling humor anthology “You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth.”

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