Isn’t it time we grow up, April Fool’s Day? Forget gluing quarters to sidewalks and shorting the sheets. Here are ten Spranks (Sex + Pranks) to get you started with making the 1st day of April just a bit spicier!
1. While eating together, start to really enjoy your food. C’mon and give Meg Ryan a run for her money.
2. Tell him you have a confession: before you met him, you appeared in an adult film using a different name. When he begs to know what sexy pseudonym you were called, give him that old formula combining your pet’s name and the first street you lived on.
3. Everything is rushed today: drive-thru banking, high speed Internet, life hacks and of course, fast food. Welcome him to Sex Express. “Home of the Quickie!” Wear a counter employee’s paper hat, have a napkin dispenser on the nightstand for messy parts, condoms mixed with ketchup packets and a menu listing the combo services. Don’t forget to get a bikini wax shaped like a Big Mac.
4. Your new book was finally published. Won’t he be thrilled to see what you’ve authored? Leave a copy lying around the living room where he knows your girlfriends will see it . . .
5. Make up an expensive receipt for a home repair from an appliance guy or your handyman. What broke? Your vibrator. (Bonus for red stamping “After hours emergency house call.”)
RELATED: Buzz Kill: A Eulogy of My Vibrator
6. Leave the Internet open to a website about bondage & discipline and his necktie on your pillow. Act properly flustered when confronted.
7. Tell him you’ve taken up ceramics and rent a potter’s wheel. When you sit down with messy clay hands, have the song “Unchained Melody” by the Righteous Brothers playing in the background.
8. Accidentally call him by another woman’s name during the throes of climax and see if that excites him. Make sure it’s not your mother’s.
9. In the morning, text him graphic details and plenty of high praise about how amazing he was in the middle of the night. See how long it takes him to realize you were never together last evening.
10. Pile up his saw, screwdriver, wrench and hammer. Tell him you’re missing your favorite thing from the collection—slowly unzip his pants while whispering, “Happy April Tool’s Day.”
Be brave girlfriend and use your creative imagination. I guarantee the pay-off will be far better than mere laughter. And who wants to remake the bed all over again after you’ve rigged those silly linens anyhow?
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