Never mind leaping tall buildings in a single bound, deflecting bullets with magic bracelets, or having the strength to throw bad guys across the room. Here are a few of the superpowers that I, your friendly neighborhood writer and librarian, would REALLY love to have:
1. The ability to effortlessly give a pill to the cat without getting my arm torn off.
2. The power to choose the fastest-moving line at the supermarket.
3. The capability of removing all the fats, sugar, and calories from a large slice of pie without affecting the taste.
4. The power of opening directly to the sexy pages of any best-selling book.
5. The capacity to summon the right devastating retort whenever anybody says something offensive or disrespectful—but instantly! Not two hours later.
6. The power to always conjure up a parking space right in front of my destination.
7. The ability to make a cop materialize out of thin air and give a speeding ticket to any jerk who rockets past me at 90 m.p.h. on the freeway.
8. The knowledge of just the right words to say to get a sullen teen to open up, have an honest conversation, then smile and say “I love you, Mom.”
9. The power to ensure that I always get the seat on a plane with an empty seat next to it—and that is nowhere near the howling baby. Or else:
10. The ability to magically calm and quiet a howling baby.
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11. The talent for recognizing “Mr. Right” the moment I meet him, instead of looking back, years later, and realizing that he was “The One.”
12. The power to transfer any huge, ugly bug or small, fast-moving rodent that I discover in my house back to its natural habitat without actually touching it.
13. The ability to give instant laryngitis to anybody who is loudly blathering on a cell phone in public.
I’d also like the power to sincerely forgive anyone who has annoyed me enough to make me want to throw them across the room . . . but that might be asking for too much.