It's a bird. It's a plane. No, it's Mr. Right! Thirteen MUST-HAVE superpowers every woman needs.

13 Must-Have Superpowers

Never mind leaping tall buildings in a single bound, deflecting bullets with magic bracelets, or having the strength to throw bad guys across the room. Here are a few of the superpowers that I, your friendly neighborhood writer and librarian, would REALLY love to have:

1. The ability to effortlessly give a pill to the cat without getting my arm torn off.

2. The power to choose the fastest-moving line at the supermarket.

3. The capability of removing all the fats, sugar, and calories from a large slice of pie without affecting the taste.

4. The power of opening directly to the sexy pages of any best-selling book.

5. The capacity to summon the right devastating retort whenever anybody says something offensive or disrespectful—but instantly! Not two hours later.

6. The power to always conjure up a parking space right in front of my destination.

7. The ability to make a cop materialize out of thin air and give a speeding ticket to any jerk who rockets past me at 90 m.p.h. on the freeway.

8. The knowledge of just the right words to say to get a sullen teen to open up, have an honest conversation, then smile and say “I love you, Mom.”

9. The power to ensure that I always get the seat on a plane with an empty seat next to it—and that is nowhere near the howling baby. Or else:

10. The ability to magically calm and quiet a howling baby.

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11. The talent for recognizing “Mr. Right” the moment I meet him, instead of looking back, years later, and realizing that he was “The One.”

12. The power to transfer any huge, ugly bug or small, fast-moving rodent that I discover in my house back to its natural habitat without actually touching it.

13. The ability to give instant laryngitis to anybody who is loudly blathering on a cell phone in public.

I’d also like the power to sincerely forgive anyone who has annoyed me enough to make me want to throw them across the room . . . but that might be asking for too much.

Originally published on Humor Outcasts. Reprinted by the author with permission In the Powder Rooma division of Hold My Purse Productions, LLC. Featured image © 

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Roz Warren is the author of Our Bodies, Our Shelves: A Collection Of Library Humor. She writes for the New York Times, the Funny Times, the Jewish Forward, the Christian Science Monitor and the Huffington Post. She’s also been featured on the Today Show. (Twice!) Connect with her on Twitter @WriterRozWarren.

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