13 Steps to Surviving a DIY Brazilian Bikini Wax

13 Steps to Surviving a DIY Brazilian Bikini Wax

Of all the bad decisions I’ve made in my life, I count the time I tried an at-home Brazilian wax as easily among the top five.

I am a hirsute woman. So hirsute, in fact, that a doctor once asked me if I was of Mediterranean descent. I am not of Mediterranean descent. My ancestors are Irish and Scandinavian, so you know—not overly hairy people.

Not like me.

Still, armed with a strong self-awareness about the tenacity and the volume of my own body hair, I nonetheless came to the conclusion that giving myself a Brazilian wax seemed like a reasonable idea.

The very first bit of advice I can give you, and it is really important, is this: DON’T FUCKING DO IT.

Seriously. Don’t.

RELATED: 3 Things I Wish Mom Had Told Me about My Vagina

However, if you do decide to go through with a self-waxing, you should follow these simple steps:

1. The instructions say to make sure that all of the hair you will be ripping from your most personal of areas is trimmed to no more than 1/4 of an inch. FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS.

2. After trimming the lady lawn, consider backing out of the whole process before any wax actually touches your “area.” Go watch Netflix instead. Or take a nap.

3. If you don’t back out, then remember this: once that wax hits your hoo-ha, you will have no choice but to continue.

4. When you rip off that first strip, you will experience a burst of pain that will make you smell colors and hear voices from 1972. Give yourself a few minutes to whimper. Decide if maybe just the one strip is enough.

5. If you choose to continue, congratulate yourself. You are a motherfucking badass. And also a dumbass. Because WHO FUCKING DOES THIS TO THEMSELVES?

6. Have a towel close by, because the volume of the flop sweat you will produce will rival that of a marathon runner.

7. For all that is holy, if the instructions say NOT to apply the wax when it is too runny, then don’t. Runny wax can find its way into areas that have no business being a part of the waxing experience. Remember that if wax goes into areas best left alone, it still has to be removed. Painfully.

8. In between ripping off the strips of wax, give yourself plenty of time to close your eyes and cry a little. Also, be aware that muttering “No no no no no no no” after an application will not make it feel any better. But the fact that it will not make you feel better won’t stop you from muttering “No no no no no no no.”

via GIPHY

9. The instructions will tell you that the entire process takes no longer than thirty minutes. This is a lie. If you get done within ninety minutes, it will be a miracle. You’re going to spend thirty minutes on the whimpering alone.

10. At some point in the process, you will think that you are finished. Because, even though you should be using a mirror, you’ll probably have applied each strip using the Braille method. This method is not effective. When you do grab a mirror to examine the results of your pain and suffering, you will find that your lady garden went from looking perfectly normal to looking like you thought scootching naked on the ground in Chernobyl was a good idea.

11. Steel yourself, reheat your wax, and get that shit finished.

12. After you’re done, you will have the unpleasant sensation of having a sunburned hootchie. This is not a sexy feeling. In fact, all of your sexy feelings will go away for twenty-four to forty-eight hours.

13. When regrowth starts, you might experience some irritation. And by irritation, I mean you will be in a horrific mood for over a week. Take this time to decide that your body is designed exactly as it should be. Accept that someone in your distant past fucked a Bigfoot. Life is what it is.

C’est la hair.

If you're considering an at-home bikini wax, read this first!

This original piece by Michelle Poston Combs was written exclusively for In the Powder Rooma division of Hold My Purse Productions, LLC. Featured image © LuckyBusiness via istockphotos.com. 

For a good time, connect with us on FacebookTwitter, and Pinterest!

Michelle Poston Combs writes humorous and serious observations on life, menopause, anxiety, and marriage on her site, Rubber Shoes In Hell.

She lives in Ohio with her husband and youngest son. She stands at the precipice of empty nest syndrome which she finds both terrifying and exhilarating.

Michelle programs computers to pay the bills. She counters this soul sucking endeavor by contributing to Jen Mann’s anthology, I Still Just Want To Pee Alone, The Huffington Post, Scary Mommy, The Mid, Better After 50, BLUNTmoms, and Listen To Your Mother. Connect with her on Twitter @RageMichelle and on Facebook.

Keep the conversation going...

comments

Comments

  1. Lisa K says

    Anything painful enough to make me smell colors and cause a ‘less than sexy’ feeling for 24 to 48 hours should come with a bigger warning on the box.

    Makes you wonder if Darwin would appreciate the survival rate pertaining to the inability to evolve hair free vs. the extreme measures used to remove it.

    How HAVE we survived… us motherfucking badass’ s anyway? (Apparently by not trying to pluralize ‘badass’ in public :) )

    I’ll compensate by using ‘hirsute’ in a sentence today… waxing is no longer an option.

    Whew. Nothing I hate more than ‘No no no no…’ coming out of my face for any reason….

  2. Terri Lee says

    Just picturing this process in my mind was making ME hurt! And all the while, I’m thinking, “Would MEN go through this? Would men do this to themselves?” MOST men, anyway. (Disclaimer: I myself have never waxed anything but a car! Haha!)

    For what it’s worth, I did get a really good laugh out of your misery, pain and suffering! 😀 Just accept who you are and give that lady garden some cornrows!

  3. says

    Ouch! Like many at home application processes, not a good ending! Since I don’t wear a thong swimsuit or thong underwear, the waxing is not for me. A friend of mine who grew up in the middle east where women were not allowed to have razors, they use sugar waxing which is still waxing. The only up side is you can snack on a bit of sugar wax while you whimper!

  4. says

    ahahahaha, I can’t….i’m so glad you went through that horrible process so we got this laugh now. Even if it makes me an a hole, I’m glad :)))

  5. says

    Actually, the Irish can be pretty big on body hair. Impolite English rumors mutter something about sheep, but we of the Celtish ancestry know they’re just jealous of our beautiful women.

  6. Robin Craig says

    When I was younger I used a cream remover. It had to sit on the girl parts for 20 minutes. During those 20 minutes a series of very unfortunate events happened that left our house with no water. I used several towels to wipe off the burning cream. I even dipped face clothes into a half cup of coffee to produce enough liquid to stop the fire that was now my baby producer. Finally hubs went to the store to buy some water and I was able to see my vagina which at that point was as smooth as a bare butt. Sort of looked cute for awhile, or until the first hairs reappeared.

Leave a Reply to Mila Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *