Being a woman sucks. We have menstrual periods, high expectations of love, and raging hormones throughout 89% of our lives. We have to learn how to use a tampon, we have to bleach our upper lip, and we have to shave most of our body daily. As a woman, it’s exhausting just getting through the day, but when you factor in having a baby, and the added pressure of getting your “pre-baby body” back, then we may as well lay down and wait for the zombies to eat us.
Do I want to fit comfortably into my skinny jeans again? Yes. Do I want to go to the beach without feeling like I have to make a bunch of Free Willy references about myself? Yeah, of course. But losing weight, dieting, and working out are just more aspects of life to squeeze into an already packed mom-life. It’s hard to find the time or the motivation. So I don’t.
In my defense, I do have fifteen valid excuses as to why my mom-bod is here to stay:
1. My dog barks, growls, and bares his teeth when he hears Jillian Michaels’ voice. It’s a toss-up between 30 Day Shred and having some damn peace and quiet in the house, and I know which one I’m choosing.
2. It’s a whole lot cheaper to buy cookie dough in family-sized tubs. I’m just being economical.
3. I subscribe to Shape magazine, which is like working out, but without the actual working out.
4. My bangs do not recover from getting sweaty, so if I’m on an exercise plan, I end up looking like an ungroomed Yorkie puppy all the time. And isn’t the point of exercise to look better?
5. It seems negligent and potentially homicidal to have dumbbells in the house with a toddler.
6. Sports bras make my boobs cry. Such beautiful and functional things shouldn’t be suffocated.
7. I fuel my body with white wine and the occasional imported Mexican beer, but as it turns out, these are not actual types of fuel to use while exercising. (Unless taking a face plant on your treadmill burns, like, ten thousand calories. Then I’m all in.)
8. My thighs really enjoy one another’s company. It would be cruel to make them stop rubbing against each other when they’ve grown so close over the years.
9. You know what’s better than waking up to run at 6:00 a.m.? Sleeping until 8:00 a.m.
10. Greek yogurt tastes like the Devil’s fecal droppings.
11. I don’t understand serving sizes. Unless you’re the size and proportion of a Barbie doll, a pint of ice cream is to be eaten in one sitting.
12. There’s finally enough square footage on my ass to make that long, overdue twerking video I’ve been meaning to record.
13. Yoga mats are better designed for naps than for the actual practice of yoga.
14. I don’t even have time to plan a daily shower, let alone plan seven days of healthy meals.
15. My metabolism is as slow as my desire to get pregnant again.
The bottom line is that this body has been put through enough, particularly with birthing two children, and it needs a damn rest. It is isn’t perfect and it never will be, but no one wears oversized, high-waist yoga pants like me, and some days, I’m just fine with that.
This original piece by Allee Moore was written exclusively for In the Powder Room, a division of Hold My Purse Productions, LLC. Image courtesy of ©wckiw at depositphotos.com.