If you had to describe yourself in two words, what would you choose? Here are 19 two-word combos one woman knows she will never be.

19 Things I’ll Never Be

You can spend a lifetime figuring out who you really are. At sixty, I think I’m finally closing in on the truth. At the very least, I know who I’m not.

I’ve noticed that the media loves to sum people up with just two words, like Internet Billionaire or Famous Chef. So I’ve also begun a collection of two-word sobriquets—the difference being that these labels will never be used to describe me.

For good or ill, I’m never going to be a/an:

  1. Deranged Genius
  2. Renowned Adventurer
  3. Disgraced Cyclist
  4. Superstar Swimmer
  5. Serial Sexter
  6. Legendary Anchorman
  7. Pharma Mega-millionaire
  8. Pop Icon
  9. Clueless Banker
  10. Megawatt Star
  11. Doomed Aviatrix
  12. Urban Gardener
  13. Luv Guv
  14. Transgender Futurist
  15. Adulterous Multimillionaire
  16. Florida Socialite
  17. Republican Mega-donor
  18. YouTube Pioneer
  19. Blonde Chanteuse

Of course, when it comes to a few of these, I do actually come close. Blond Chanteuse? I am (with salon assistance) a blonde. And the toddlers who attend story time at the library where I work simply adore my rendition of “The Itsy Bitsy Spider.”

And while I’m not exactly a Superstar Swimmer, I’m still in the pool every day, executing my plodding but consistent breast stroke.

Disgraced Cyclist? No, thanks. I don’t need performance-enhancing drugs to enjoy a casual ride around the neighborhood on my one-speeder.

The truth is that I’m happy with who I am: a Good Mom, Retired Attorney, Published Writer, and Part-time Librarian. Although there’s still hope that, one of these days, Lottery Winner or even Pulitzer Winner might apply. (Perhaps I should add Incurable Optimist to the list?)

What about you? If you could describe yourself to the world with just two words, what would they be? Amazing Mom? Stellar Wit? Fantastic Lover? (Of course, if you’re having a bad day, you might want to go with Exploited Wage-slave, Day Drinker or Unhappy Homemaker.)

Go for it! Share your two words in the comments section below. Be as honest (or as delusional) as you want. Here’s your chance to establish yourself as a Piccolo Virtuoso, Investment Whiz, Unsung Genius, or World-class Bodybuilder.

As for me? I‘m going with Sexy Librarian.

A different version of this piece by Roz Warren first appeared on Women’s Voices for Change and is reprinted with permission In the Powder Rooma division of Hold My Purse Productions, LLC. Featured image © depositphotos.com/voyagerix.

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Roz Warren is the author of Our Bodies, Our Shelves: A Collection Of Library Humor. She writes for the New York Times, the Funny Times, the Jewish Forward, the Christian Science Monitor and the Huffington Post. She’s also been featured on the Today Show. (Twice!) Connect with her on Twitter @WriterRozWarren.

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