31 Things That Scare Me More Than Ebola via In the Powder Room

31 Things That Scare Me More Than Ebola

Ebola.

Ebollllllla

Ebolalalalalalala.

EBOLA.

Ebola Meme via In the Powder Room

It’s everywhere. On the news, in the paper, Facebook news feeds everywhere, the Twitter.

EBOLA OUTBREAK! STOCKPILE THE FOODS! NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE!

Ebola, You Don’t Scare Me.

Out of 319,000,000 people in the United States, eight people are currently being treated for Ebola.

Eight.

Less than a baseball team.

A percentage so low that even my calculator laughed.

It’s so easy to get swept up in the fear-mongering that the media is throwing our way, but let’s take a moment to use our brains and be realistic.

Your chances of contracting Ebola are slimmer than me squeezing my ass into a pair of size six jeans. That’s nearly impossible.

I’m scared of a lot of things. Ebola is not one of them.

Things that scare me more than Ebola:

  1. Head lice
  2. Twelve-year-old girls
  3. Vasectomy failure
  4. Spiders
  5. Underestimating a fart
  6. My credit card bill
  7. The kids’ bathroom
  8. Explaining morning wood to my boys
  9. Peeing when sneezing/coughing/laughing
  10. Math
  11. Port-a-potties
  12. Hearing “Mom, I think I’m gonna barf”
  13. Running out of Candy Crush lives, because DAMN IT, I KNOW I CAN BEAT THIS LEVEL
  14. No wine
  15. No coffee
  16. No chocolate
  17. Sitting in someone else’s pee
  18. Crickets
  19. Being licked by your dog and his tongue slips into your mouth, right after he licked his balls.
  20. Chin hair
  21. Auto-correct changing ‘forget it’ to ‘fuck you’ as you send a text to your mother
  22. When the four-year-old says he wiped his butt all by himself
  23. Wearing a bathing suit
  24. Sleepovers
  25. Boogers hanging out of your nose during an important interview
  26. A room full of preschoolers
  27. Sending a dirty text to the wrong person
  28. Politicians
  29. Hitting that friend request button while Face-stalking someone
  30. Nude leggings
  31. When a kid climbs into your bed in the middle of the night and you feel something warm on your leg

Maybe I’m naive, maybe I’m an idiot, maybe I’m just tired, maybe I have the PMS; the one thing I am not is afraid.

Ebola, you don’t scare me.

PS: If you want to help those in West Africa who are living in real fear for their lives here is a list of non-governmental agencies that are accepting donations.

PPS: This is a humor piece, I shouldn’t need to make that disclaimer but this IS the Internet. 

PPPS: It wouldn’t hurt to wash your hands from time to time.

Tara lives in Kansas with her farmer husband and five kids and tries really hard to pee alone at least once a day. She survives by drinking an obscene amount of coffee and—according to outside sources—too much wine. She is a contributing author to the best-selling humor anthology I Just Want to Pee Alone, as well as a contributor to Mamalode and The Huffington Post. You can always find her ignoring her kids on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and Instagram.

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  1. says

    Love your list! But I have to admit, I am flying cross country next week and I am the teensiest bit scared that someone on the plane is going to have had some connection to someone somewhere who might have been around someone who was around someone…oh hell, you get the idea! Six degrees of separation and all that. Ebola scares the sh** out of me.

    • Blake says

      I would avoid rubbing your face on anyone’s arm pits or making out with them pretty heavily. You should be okay even if everyone else on the flight was exposed to someone with Ebola.

      • Rafael A. Castillo says

        Right on Blake. I’m getting tennis neck from all the SMDH I’m doing over my family’s Ebola hysteria.

      • Anonymous says

        Hilarious list, but I live in Dallas. Percentages or not, when you have a mind like mine that always imagines ALL the possible worst case scenarios, and a husband who does home repair in that neighborhood, and every other person you talk to has some actual connection to the Ebola situation here- either through a family member who works in that hospital and oh yeah their kid is in your kids class, and btw, they are probably on that staff watch list, so let’s hope they didn’t have an unrecognized fever this morning before they sent their kids out in the world, or carry some infected sneeze goop on their hands which is now on the door handle that we just opened after them, or… All the other disgusting ways that bodily fluids could come from one persons bathroom into your mouth. Yeah, I said I had a mind that works that way- I may never touch a public surface again in light of the Ebola reality check for possible contact with the bodily fluids of other people. Just in general, Ebola or not, gross!
        And then say you buy a sofa off of Craigslist immediately after this Ebola mess starts, and ask the lovely young lady what she does for a living bc she has a team of people working around her dinig room table, and as your husband is helping her husband pack it into the truck, she tells you that she is home until the Ebola thing blows over bc she works in that community, with refugees! Panic attack city. Then let’s say you do some research on the cdc and who websites to try and ease your mind and see that Ebola can stay alive on a surface for at least up to six hours, and within a fluid medium for nearly two weeks (some experts say up to three)- you might start to get a tad nervous. Or say you decide that you are being ridiculous and you are not going to let the fear mongering get to your good common sense and overtake usually very rational and intelligent self, so you go out for groceries, and right in front of you walking into whole foods, is a nurse in blue scrubs with the name Texas health Presbyterian embroidered on them… She obviously just got off of work and let’s hope she wasn’t in contact with an Ebola patient, or any fluids that were sent through the entire hospital system via the tube network, but given that two such health care workers chose to use public transportation- say fly across country on a plane or board a cruise ship with thousands of others in close confined quarters, you may not have the utmost confidence that these people are being quite careful enough. So I’m just saying all of that to say- being in Kansas probably makes it just a little easier to make such a bold statement. And while it was hilarious, and I have to agree with everything on the list- being in Dallas right now, is kinda scary as hell. Especially when the cdc director uses phrases like ‘IF it hasn’t mutated… It’s not airborne’…
        Guess who doesn’t want to hear yet another “oops, we made ANOTHER mistake…” from the cdc???
        Just sayin’
        —panic disorder in Dallas

    • michelle says

      I relate to the crickets wholeheartedly! we have a lizard (my kids have a lizard) and we feed her crickets (they feed her crickets). well, sometimes when my spouse is away working, they like to escape, they like to escape at night. when the kids are in bed. when I am alone quietly curled in my ugly cuddler chair, reading peacefully. then one shows up, hopping merrily acros the floor. then another and another. my Chihuahua is in on it too as she doesn’t do anything to protect her cricket fearing food provider. so because they cost money and they are food, I cant kill them. instead, my spouse comes home to drinking glasses placed upside down randomly throught the house. (shivers) great read lol!

      • Rafael A. Castillo says

        I want to now why so many women think leggings are pants. No matter how much their big butt stretches them to the point where you can see their turquoise panties. Of course I’ll never complain about yoga pants on fitness model types…

  2. says

    Thank you! Thank you for being reasonable (and funny) while the rest of the world seems to be loading up on ammo and bottled water. Of course this disease is scary and tragic, but panic hasn’t fixed a single problem in the history of mankind (I Googled that, so I know it’s true).

  3. mellomama says

    #s 1, 2 (because i currently have 2 little girls who will one day be 12 and I will have to leave my house due to all.the.feelings and PMS), 12, 14 & 15
    But not ebola – nope and I am in and out of hospitals every day. LOVE IT!

    • Leigh C says

      Oh, they will! My daughter has had lizards for a few years. They will get out!

      I used to be freaked out by them, but not anymore. :)

      • S.H. says

        We have a beardie and those damn crickets do get out! But how?! They are little houdinis! I refuse to touch them. I get the lizard out and put him on the floor to eat up the escapees.

        Love the list :)

        21 and 27 have both happened to me and both have gone to my mother…oops!

  4. says

    Pure genius!!! Thank you for writing this…I loathe the fear mongering by our press. Makes me crazy how people buy into it. Everything on your list scares me as well. Ebola is the least of my concerns.

  5. Nicole says

    This is so perfect for all the reasons.
    So many of these things are me. I have an 11 year old girl and cannot live without caffeine and CHOCOLATE. However, I’ve been told by someone in the know that this whole Ebola thing could possibly seriously hinder chocolate production.
    Thanks for including the donation links!

  6. Robin says

    holy shit–even the dashing Anderson Cooper is on board with incessant Eeeeeebolllaaaaaaaa shouting… dammit! I thought for sure he’d be the deliciously gorgeous Voice of Reason. Sigh.

    Have been through two boys and am in solid (however well concealed) fear of my daughter turning 15. At 13 she’s got me scared, and scares me daily on the drive to school. The mood swings–I swear that’s why my neck has been hurting since I returned from Utah (flew cross country to get home… no ebola.. but it’s just been 8 days…) from whiplash… it truly is better for her to just go to her room and Emo out in there. At least I can menopause in peace when she’s there….

    My #1 fear in the whole wide world–when the phone rings in the middle of the night…. or your text notification goes off in the middle of the night. Will send cold chills and an unwanted hot flash through my body all at once.

  7. Tiffany says

    I hope you can talk about ebola this lightly in 6 months. I am scared a little. On a brighter note, survivors develop antibodies so I feel there is light at the end of the tunnel….I am just worried about what happens between now and when treatment and/or vaccines will be widely available. Could cause some major disruptions and problems. Would you send your kids to school if there was a even a suspected case at their school? Would you be okay sitting next to an exposed person for a few hours on a flight? I wouldn’t be comfortable with either simply because they don’t really know enough about it. If 2 nurses can get it using protective equipment, it doesn’t look good for the petri dishes of kindergarten classrooms.

    • Leslie Marinelli says

      Thanks for sharing, Tiffany. I think everyone is justifiably worried, which is why a light-hearted humor piece like this is such a welcome stress-reliever right now. -Leslie Marinelli, EIC

  8. says

    I think I am more scared at the amount of time it is taking the clothing industry to come out with designer surgical masks so we can coordinate our fear with our fabulous fall fashion.

  9. Jenn says

    My 12 year old daughter had head lice a couple weeks ago… It was the most terrifying couple of weeks of my life *shudder*

  10. NWFrugalMama says

    My son is in First Grade. Every.Single.Kid.In.That.Classroom has their hands in their mouths…PULLING THEIR OWN TEETH OUT. Gross. Gross. Gross. I dread the little plastic tooth shaped case coming home because OF COURSE he wants to show it to me…and let’s not panic on whether the tooth fairy gets her s*%t together and remembers to stuff a coin under the pillow without being caught by a “I don’t want to sleep so I can see the tooth fairy” 6 year old!!!!

  11. gwen says

    I have one to add texting your wife that your mom is driving you batty and may give you a stroke but the text really goes to said mother. Yep dear hubby did that this week

  12. Erin says

    As we wrap up Day 12 of the Gead Lice Seige, with a 13-year-old girl and an almost 4-year-old, 12 hours of combing long, blonde hair and at least 5 more days to go, I have to TOTALLY AGREE with No. 1.

    Although, head lice can’t kill you. At least, not directly. The smell alone of some of these treatments can be enough to knock you out!!

  13. Linda says

    I am so glad my daughter sent me this link. Hysterical, I’m still wiping tears. This blog is now officially my only pinned blog.

  14. THAT mom says

    Dear lord baby Jesus…these cracked me up!!! A few I can cross off for various reasons, some more fears than other or bodily function fear is a tad different but super big fears none the less! However…I will say I wasn’t scared of a 12 year old girl till I read this. My daughter will be 12 next July…damn it!
    What was better after reading the articles is the comments!!!! Hahahahaha
    I didn’t really think people were so nutso about eeebboollaaaa till today. It really is fine here so far, let’s stress when we’re in sheer high numbers that it feels almost apocalyptic ok? Sad for the families, honestly, let’s grieve with them and then continue business as usual. We’ve always done that, let’s do that again!!

    People!!

  15. Luci says

    You are funny! Well, those things make me cringe, and laugh, but Eeebolllaaa makes me die. I will Ebolify my Facebook page at naseum. I AM AFRAID!

  16. Ris says

    VASECTOMY FAILURE. Terrifying right there!!! Oh my gosh 29. That’s horror. How about farting during sex or a gyn visit? Or kids walking in during sex? I love your list! Your speaking from my soul! I have been thinking of the Riccola commercial too, lol!

  17. Ruth Aldrich McCullars says

    #26 !!! I am a preschool teacher. I spend 8 hours a day in s room with 15 three-year-olds! ( maniacal laughter)

  18. mindy webster says

    So totally love your sight and pretty much agree with everything you write but I will say this…when the Ebola quarantined dog is literally being stored 15 ft from your work (yes, well aware no dog has contracted it ever) and people on the flight work at your base, kids go your neighbor school (we all know they lick anything at school) as well as play sports with your kids (after a football game my kid smells like every kid on the team rubbed their sweaty body on him) the little imagination box in my head starts cranking!!! I continue to fight it with reason and facts but I’m a girl and a Pisces so creative imagination usually starts to takeover!!! I secretly imagine a full fledged quarantine in my hometown and honestly can’t wait to hear bitching about the flu shot vaccine and how bad spraying for mosquitoes is cause these are familiar things in my little bit of crazy….

  19. Andreas Neumann says

    I fear: dropping my car key before i get into the car and have them disappear in the gutter .
    I love crickets, in Greece and in warm summer nights.

    Andreas

  20. says

    I am almost certain I have the list hanging up somewhere in my house as a reminder that the world is a wretched place. LOVE IT!

    No lie, a mere week ago I was FB stalking someone’s pictures from 2011 and accidentally submitted a request to tag someone else. I then had to leave a comment on said picture admitting my behavior and asking her to ignore my request….THE.WORST.

Trackbacks

  1. […] For now, I just need to stay put on their site so they might consider it. So far, I’ve been hanging steady there for 48 hours, just camped out in a festival chair, wearing those same pjs, drinking from that cold cup of coffee, holding in my pee and refusing to shower…  I’m hoping for a really slow news week so Sexy Halloween Costumes for Moms is an actual relevant news thing.  As you can see, it’s currently Me vs. ebola. […]

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