It’s everywhere. On the news, in the paper, Facebook news feeds everywhere, the Twitter.
EBOLA OUTBREAK! STOCKPILE THE FOODS! NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE!
Ebola, You Don’t Scare Me.
Out of 319,000,000 people in the United States, eight people are currently being treated for Ebola.
Less than a baseball team.
A percentage so low that even my calculator laughed.
It’s so easy to get swept up in the fear-mongering that the media is throwing our way, but let’s take a moment to use our brains and be realistic.
Your chances of contracting Ebola are slimmer than me squeezing my ass into a pair of size six jeans. That’s nearly impossible.
I’m scared of a lot of things. Ebola is not one of them.
Things that scare me more than Ebola:
- Head lice
- Twelve-year-old girls
- Vasectomy failure
- Underestimating a fart
- My credit card bill
- The kids’ bathroom
- Explaining morning wood to my boys
- Peeing when sneezing/coughing/laughing
- Hearing “Mom, I think I’m gonna barf”
- Running out of Candy Crush lives, because DAMN IT, I KNOW I CAN BEAT THIS LEVEL
- No wine
- No coffee
- No chocolate
- Sitting in someone else’s pee
- Being licked by your dog and his tongue slips into your mouth, right after he licked his balls.
- Chin hair
- Auto-correct changing ‘forget it’ to ‘fuck you’ as you send a text to your mother
- When the four-year-old says he wiped his butt all by himself
- Wearing a bathing suit
- Boogers hanging out of your nose during an important interview
- A room full of preschoolers
- Sending a dirty text to the wrong person
- Hitting that friend request button while Face-stalking someone
- Nude leggings
- When a kid climbs into your bed in the middle of the night and you feel something warm on your leg
Maybe I’m naive, maybe I’m an idiot, maybe I’m just tired, maybe I have the PMS; the one thing I am not is afraid.
Ebola, you don’t scare me.
PS: If you want to help those in West Africa who are living in real fear for their lives here is a list of non-governmental agencies that are accepting donations.
PPS: This is a humor piece, I shouldn’t need to make that disclaimer but this IS the Internet.
PPPS: It wouldn’t hurt to wash your hands from time to time.