Ah, life. Sometimes I think I have it all together. Things fall into place, I’m in a good groove, and it all just works.
Other times, I am hit with the realization that there are things I will never get right. Things that, despite my best effort, I will always screw up. In light of this, I think it’s about time I accept that I’ll never be able to:
1. Watch shows on the DVR correctly.
I think the DVR is the greatest invention ever. I love television, but I hate feeling tied down by having to watch something at the exact moment it airs. It’s hard to imagine now, but when I was growing up, if you weren’t home when your favorite show was on, you were SHIT OUT OF LUCK. You were never going to see that program, ever. That ship had sailed. Sorry about it.
And don’t forget that when you watch live television, you have to sit through countless insufferable ads featuring creepy talking babies, women smiling and laughing with each other about yogurt, and lizards with British accents talking about car insurance. So, that being said, why do I CONTINUOUSLY—without fail—“forget” to fast forward through the commercials? It’s kind of mind-blowing that I still do this after more than a decade with a DVR, but I guess I’m just used to slogging through crap. Thanks, life.
2. Microwave my coffee.
I don’t drink anything fast—not beer, not wine, not soda, not anything. Not even plain water. For that reason, trying to drink hot coffee is a challenge for me; as much as I try and avoid it, it will quickly transform into iced coffee, and become gross and undrinkable. Because of this, I often find myself throwing (not literally) my coffee mug in the microwave and nuking it for thirty seconds. Smart idea, right? Not when I immediately forget I did it, then realize days later that there is a mug with four sips of—again, freezing cold—coffee sitting in my microwave.
3. Remember where I parked.
Even though I live in an apartment building and pay a monthly fee for a parking space in a nearby lot, I always try to find something closer. Sometimes I’ll get lucky, hit the parking lottery, and get a spot right in front of my building. WOOHOO! When this happens, it is such a joyous occasion for me that I’ll end up skipping down the hallway, feeling so excited for the next time I have to leave my home, knowing that I have this amazing parking space nearby.
Here’s the problem: when I DO eventually leave my apartment building again, I completely forget where my car is. I’ll instinctively walk all the way to the parking lot where I pay for a monthly space, not see my car there, and think: shit. Thanks for nothing, memory!
4. Watch TV in bed without losing the remote.
I have a queen-size bed, people. It’s big, but not that big. And yet when I bring the remote in there with me at night to watch TV, it gets lost in the infinite abyss that is my comforter, bed sheets and pillows. When I want to turn the television off so I can go to sleep, my once-tired, once-relaxed self becomes frantic—ruffling things around, sitting up, turning lights on, and searching for the tiny missing object that somehow grew feet and walked over to an obscure, hidden side of the bed. This happens, without fail, every night.
I can’t be the only one who fails miserably at simple tasks, but I have no way of knowing for sure—it’s not like people talk about these things over dinner or drinks. So I’ll just continue to hope that I’m not alone while I slurp down my ice-cold coffee, lose my TV remote in a pile of decorative throw pillows, and vacantly hate-watch Viagra commercials that I could easily skip.