I went to a party last weekend, and it was reminiscent of a junior high school dance—boys on one side, girls on the other. I glanced at my husband, who was already on his third cocktail, and it appeared that he and another gentleman were having an in-depth conversation about the art of flailing one’s arms. It was probably about baseball, but I couldn’t be completely sure. Regardless, he was having fun.
I, on the other hand, had found myself in a rousing game of “My husband is worse than yours because (blank).”
My husband has always said that women like to complain publicly about their spouses, and I have always defended my gender. I mean, he isn’t the only thing I talk about at parties. And I only briefly mentioned that if I found one more of his dirty socks next to the bed that I was going to shove it up his—well, you get the idea.
Truth be told, I also kind of suck at being a wife about 70% of the time. (Okay, maybe only 50%.) The difference is that men don’t seem to talk about their sucky spouses as much as women do. So, to make amends to my devoted and tolerant husband, I’ve decided to point out the ways in which I suck at being a wife, and by doing this, it is my hope to become less sucky.
1. I get angry at myself and take it out on him.
I promised everyone and my mother that I was going to quit sugar, but one day while I was making lunches for the kids, a cookie crumbled and all my willpower followed suit. I didn’t just eat the crumbled cookie; I ate all the other cookies too, because I had an uneven number and I didn’t want our sons to fight over them. When my husband came into the kitchen and grabbed my butt, I instinctively felt that he was grabbing the extra fat I had accumulated, so I yelled at him.
2. Sometimes I’m too tired for sex.
As a man, my husband is eager to have sexy time at the drop of a hat. But contrary to what Michelle Duggar recommends, I can’t always “joyfully meet his natural man needs.” It’s not that I don’t want to. It’s just that I know I will be the one getting up in forty-five minutes with one of the kids, so at the moment, sleep is more appealing to me.
3. I forget to notice nice things he does.
There are times when I beg my husband to take out the recycling. It is a Hall of Wine Bottle Shame that I don’t want to face every time I pass it. However, the times when he has emptied it, without my coercion, I fail to acknowledge it.
4. I don’t act like I did when I was his girlfriend.
When we were dating, I flirted, wore cute skirts, and even laughed at his jokes. As a wife, I’ve forgotten how to flirt, I don’t have time to shave my legs, and I get annoyed if his jokes are longer than three minutes.
I need to put my husband back on top (so to speak) of my “to-do” list. I don’t want to be complacent. I don’t want our marriage to become a series of ambiguous texts discussing food and soccer practices. I want him to know I’ve still got it, and once I find it, I will flaunt it. Because although men don’t want their wives to ignore them, I have never heard one complain about a wife who sucks.