It’s Groundhog Day ladies and gentlemen. What does that mean? It means that today is just like every other day except today we let a rodent predict the weather forecast. According to the news, Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow, thus predicting six more weeks of winter. I’m guessing if that little guy paid attention to anything else when he popped his fat, hairy, ass out of his cage, he also undoubtedly saw:
I’m over it. Who even knew that it was possible to be over a pattern? Well done, Chevron, you are the Kim Kardashian of patterns—over done, over played, and get the fuck out of my face.
Speaking of . . .
2. Kim Kardashian
Not that Kimye doesn’t look like a boatload of fun but can we be done with them yet? They are not America’s royal family equivalent. She had a sex tape and proceeded to sleep with everyone and bore us all to tears with her monotone voice. The only thing she is good for is her cry face, which is incredible. People get so annoyed with Taylor Swift and I’m over here all . . . WHAT ABOUT KIM AND THAT ASSHOLE KANYE? All Taylor wants to do is sleep around and play with kittens. Taylor is like the real live version of Lisa Frank and that’s okay in my book. Let’s replace Kim with anyone else . . . Taylor, a rock, a used tampon. All will be gladly accepted.
3. Mason Jar Everything
I’ve never had a problem with a cup or a container before this mason jar phenomenon. Is it possible to get pissed off at a piece of glassware? The answer is yes. Mason jar vase, mason jar light fixture, mason jar salad container, mason jar aquarium, mason jar candle. Obviously Bubba jumped off the shrimp bandwagon and started marketing for the mason jar. It’s a clear glass jar. You can buy it at the dollar store. Can we move on?
I know what you’re thinking . . .
4. KEEP CALM & <insert something stupid here like eat cotton candy>
How about shut the fuck up? I don’t understand this. Where did this come from? Who started this stupidness? And more importantly, WHY did someone start this? You know what, I don’t want to know. If you have any way of standing up for this just don’t. Take it off your car, take it off your wall and throw the shirt away.
Maybe it’s because I’m over the age of 12 that this baffles me but why is this a thing? I understand YOLO. I’m cool. I get stuff, sort of, I mean, I get things once they’re explained to me. My 13-year-old niece explained “bae” to me and I rolled my eyes and told her she was wrong. Obviously my niece is just not one of the cool kids. I Googled “bae” and it said the same thing my niece told me. Bae just means babe with a missing b or “before anyone else” That’s it. That’s stupid!
So, Groundhog, let’s make a deal, you can decide whether we have 6 more weeks of winter but if I have to endure one more day of my BAE wearing a chevron print Keep Calm shirt while drooling over Kimye and a box of mason jars, I’m going to lose my shit.
Featured image via Groundhog Day/Columbia Pictures.
This original piece by Lynsey Hackett was written exclusively for In the Powder Room, a division of Hold My Purse Productions, LLC.