Be careful what you wish for…
Have you ever made a wish and when the universe granted it you couldn’t help but wonder to yourself if perhaps you ought to have been just a tad more specific?
I don’t want to sound ungrateful here. I am appreciative of all the wishes that my heart of hearts spun its little wheels trying to get the universe to help me attain. But seriously, when I asked the great beyond to help me find a husband who wasn’t a complete schmuck (like my previous boyfriend had been), I should have insisted that he also be the kind of husband who will do the dishes more than twice a year—and not because he thinks I’m going to give him some.
While I’m thinking of it, here are five other wishes that I should have expanded on before submitting them to the great wide open.
1. I wish I could just get some sleep.
And by sleep what I meant to say was eight beautifully quiet hours of uninterrupted sleep followed by a slow and gentle wake up call. I’m just throwing out suggestions here, but maybe I could wake to the smell of a freshly brewed pot of coffee and not a freshly filled diaper with a screaming child attached to it.
2. I wish my muffin top would just disappear.
Now, I can see where the confusion was with this wish, by “muffin” and “disappear” you must have thought I was referring to that plate of pastries I just ate in one sitting. You see, I want to be able to inhale a plate of baked goods but also be skinny.
3. I wish I could just take a bath.
You play dirty, universe. And by dirty, I mean filthy. I haven’t bathed since this past weekend because I’m up to my elbows in screaming children, grocery fetching, and 476 other unpleasant tasks. Just let me soak in the tub for 20 (or 70) minutes? And toss in some Liz Phair and a glass of wine while you’re at it (you know, because I am being super specific!)
4. I wish that I could have a date night.
The last time I wished for a date night, you thought it would be funny to make my husband and I pass out in a fit of snoozing on the couch. This time, the only reason for either of us to be passed out is because we are sweaty and exhausted from making up for three months of not “passing out” on the damn couch.
5. I wish I had time to get shit done.
When I said “time to get shit done,” I was thinking more in terms of running my errands, cleaning my house, finishing a phone call, scheduling that dentist appointment I keep putting off and maybe even trying out a new recipe. I did not mean be so consumed in toddler drama like potty training or sibling rivalry that I forget to change my own clothes for two days.
Now that I have learned my lesson about the importance of being specific when casting a wish out into the ether, I’d like to try my luck one more time. I wish that tomorrow morning when I wake up exhausted from my five interrupted hours of sleep that I may enjoy a hot cup of coffee. I humbly request that this cup of coffee include my favorite creamer and that I may enjoy it in one sitting. Also, I’d like to reserve the option of a refill!