6 Good Things About Raising Teen Boys via In the Powder Room

6 Good Things About Raising Teen Boys

I have four children, three of whom are adults and have (thankfully) flown the coop. I thought I had this whole, raising-teenagers-in-a-stress-free-zone thing down. Even patted myself on the back for getting them off to college without an arrest record or a shotgun wedding. And then came wild child number four, who could easily have been a poster child for birth control. Now seventeen, this boy is the reason behind the industrial size bucket of hair dye I use monthly to cover my gray, and why I am a gold card carrying member of the local Wine Mart. A typical morning with this kid involves matches, an aerosol can of cologne spray and a plastic milk jug to set off the fire alarm… long before my coffee I.V. drip has kicked in.

Despite the gray hairs and mini heart attacks I suffer daily from my son, I’ve discovered the positive side to raising crazy ass, teenage boys:

1. You’ll no longer need to waste money on expensive theme parks with fast rides. Your teen will gladly attach your rolling office chair to his bike with a rope and pull his buddies down a busy highway. Like heart-stopping rides? This one’s for you.

2. Piss yellow will become your favorite bathroom tile shade because there isn’t enough bleach in the world to make those urine stains around the toilet disappear.

3. Like exotic pets? Great, because rodents love to nest in the sour-smelling pile of laundry at the back of your son’s closet. Dirty dishes and stale pizza crusts will also invite a village of cockroaches to colonize under his bed.

4. If you failed science in high school, don’t worry. You’re going to get a hands-on education about fire, electricity, and how much damage a potato bomb can do to your neighbor’s fence.

5. You’ll lose those last, pesky ten pounds because all boys are born with noses like bloodhounds. They’ll sniff out every hidden cookie, potato chip and even the coveted Godiva chocolates from Mother’s Day that you tried to disguise in an empty tampon box. Your grocery bill will triple during his teen years but your waistline will shrink. Just be sure to lock the liquor cabinet before he turns fifteen.

6. Miss those nights of club hopping from your twenties? Relive your youth when your teenager hosts raves in his room while blasting techno and dubstep from subwoofers the size of refrigerators. Toss back some tequila shots chased by a few aspirin and you’ll feel like you’ve time traveled back to the good ol’ days at a fraternity house party.

Even though there will be days when you’ll wish you could lobotomize your son or trade him in for a house-trained Labrador, just remember how much fun it’ll be when he has sons of his own. Grab a lighter and load up the potato gun. Karma has a sense of humor, after all.

 

This original piece by Marcia Kester Doyle was written exclusively for In the Powder Rooma division of Hold My Purse Productions, LLC.

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Marcia Kester Doyle is the author of the humorous blog, Menopausal Mother, and she is a featured writer for In the Powder Room, What The Flicka and HumorOutcasts. Her work has also appeared on Scary Mommy, BlogHer, The ErmaBombeck Writers Workshop, Midlife Boulevard, BA50 and numerous other sites. Marcia is a BlogHer Voice of The Year 2014 recipient and was voted VoiceBoks’ Top Hilarious Parent Blogger 2014. You can find Marcia’s blog at MenopausalMom.com and her author page at marciakesterdoyle.com.

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  1. Donna Wuenst says

    Even funnier the 2nd time around. Wow Marcia love your style and way with words. Bombeck would be proud of you. I remember as kids how you loved her books.

  2. says

    This is hilarious! My kids are still small and I am already regretting not putting in yellow floor tiles. I mean really, who puts white grout in a bathroom? Our builder was a sadist.

  3. says

    I only have one of each, but my neighbor in WV had 7 boys (and one survival-mode girl). It was rough-and-tumble at her house. They punched holes in the walls, jumped off the roof onto the trampoline, caught things on fire, broke bones, crashed cars, etc. The youngest is graduating from high school this month. They may be a little war-torn, but they are wonderful young men. Their mom has the battle scars of varicose veins and gray hair, but she now has one grandchild (a boy!) and enjoys him very much.

  4. Kristina says

    My son will turn 13 in July (I also have a 15 year old daughter). He is driving me crazy already….don’t know if I will survive! This article was hysterical!

  5. says

    I have a teen boy to be – he is 11 now, turning 12 this year and I dread the day we enter the teens! Good to know what I can expect! It had me laughing and then I remembered I am about to witness this first hand!

  6. says

    Wow, wow, wow!

    You JUST made the stench of feet and dirty hair wafting from a 15 year old girls room sound like heaven!

    You make me feel a little normal.

    =)

  7. says

    You make it all sound so romantic. Too funny.

    Mine made it through and so did I. But you have something to look forward to… when they start telling stories about the things you didn’t know they did as teenagers.

  8. says

    Indeed it is the funniest story on this blog!! Marcia, you’re just awesome….and now, I’m off to lock the liquor cabinet!

  9. says

    I remember this post and how funny it was! As a mother of two boys, 18 and 20, I could chuckle and relate to your scenarios. Thanks for reminding me to laugh at it instead of tearing my greying hair out!

  10. says

    I always enjoy reading your writings Marcia.. you always make me smile;-)

    I never had boys but the food my nephews could eat was scary.. I would have been living on the street…lol

    If course girls spend money on other things…make up, jewelry..etc… Your youngest would have scared me off children…haha

    Have a great day girl ♡

  11. says

    OMG I am so not ready! I have a pre-teen, Type 1 diabetic with hyperthyroidism! The doc already warned me I was going to have a hormonal teenager on my hands before I was ready! Yikes! Early puberty!! Can this news get any better? No, I think not!!

  12. Stephanie says

    I paid mine ten dollars to scrape the caulk out from around the bottom of the toilet and replace it. In less than a week it was starting to yellow again but at least it was clean for a day!!

  13. says

    Loved this. Found it just tonight and it’s so spot on. I never, ever go into my boys’ (ages 12 & 9) bathroom. And feet! Omg, that smell. It could remove paint. I’ll be following your writing for sure now.

  14. Dana says

    Obviously our sons are each others dopleganger, .
    Apparently I’ve always been made to feel like an inadequate mom (until now) I’ve had so many unsolicited comments from people who’s opinions I don’t want saying things like ” my son’s room never looked like that” or “my son knows better than to leave insects he forgot about in his Jean pockets” on and on.
    Funny thing is most of the sons mentioned are players who treat girls like shit, refuse to follow house rules, fail every 3 classes and have the audacity to feel entity to a new sports car at 16.
    My son has not one mean bone, he does all his chores (except his room) carries all the groceries in and at 15 6′ 2 and 287 lbs always I mean always sticks up for the little guy.
    He doesn’t do drugs, drink have unprotected sex with any girl who’ll go for it and always opens doors and treats women with respect.
    I say keep your Eddie haskell delinquent I’ll keep my perfect soon filthy room and all.

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