Not long ago, a troll told me: “Girl, you’re only a three out of ten.”
I could not believe it—he called me “girl!” He thought I was young! How flattering, especially since I’m thirty-five years old, which is easily ten years past my expiration date as a woman. I’m one wrinkle away from being put out to pasture. My only hope for contributing to society is to stop aging.
Luckily, I have a few tricks up my sleeve that I’d like to share. Here are eight ways to look younger instantly:
1. Update your style.
So many geezers are walking around in shoes like this:
“Young Look.” Really? More like age-related macular degeneration. This Golden Girls bowling shoe comes equipped with bunion pads, an orthopedic sole, and a Werther’s hard candy. It is the beige cousin of the Dansko nursing clog; notice that it has no mate, because it is a strong proponent of celibacy.
Look, there’s no getting around it. If you want to look younger, you have to shop where teenagers shop: Forever 21, Hot Topic, and Claire’s. Cynics will tell you that cramming yourself into leopard-print jeggings and a One Direction crop top makes you seem like a desperate cougar, but they’re just jealous. When in doubt, bare your midriff and bedazzle your jean pockets. You won’t make a fool of yourself. I promise.
RELATED: What NOT to Attempt After 40
2. Start using phrases like “totes” and “off the chain.”
People love hearing youthful slang coming from a weathered old lady.
3. Learn Photoshop.
Looking the same in person as you do on social media is passé. I don’t mean to brag, but my Photoshop skills are totes off the chain—just have a gander at my “Before” and “After” profile pictures:
No one cares that my face has melted into the lower third of my skull. What matters is that I’ve erased wrinkles, laugh lines, and/or any evidence that my facial muscles have ever expressed emotion.
4. Buy a rapper hat.
Don’t worry, you can pull it off. Rapper hats are both stylish and great for covering up grey hairs. Your tween will be so proud when you pick her up from school, blasting Drake and aggressively shouting the lyrics from the open window of your mini-van.
5. Play dumb. Airheads are adorable.
If you’ve had children, this won’t be a stretch, since everyone knows that mothers deliver their brains and accolades as part of the afterbirth. It’s science, but don’t ask me to explain it, because I’m just a dumb mom. The OB-GYN revoked my three college degrees when he handed me my baby, making it totes appropriate for fellow cocktail-party-goers to assume that I’m a vapid idiot and have no interests outside of motherhood.
6. Get hipster glasses.
Everyone from Johnny Depp to Fred Armisen is wearing thick-framed spectacles. No prescription? No problem. Hipster glasses can be worn for purely cosmetic reasons, and offer the perfect occasion to snap a subtle selfie with the hashtag #sexynerd. Be sure to use an Instagram filter powerful enough to hide your crow’s feet and broken dreams.
7. Or wear sunglasses at all times.
Don’t like the hipster glasses idea? Then be like Bono and wear sunglasses indoors. Sure, his shades are medically necessary due to glaucoma, but in a way, yours are too—to protect the health of others, since ten out of ten people report that seeing dark circles under a woman’s eyes causes them to vomit. It is therefore your civic duty to hide your eye bags under a cloak of invisibility.
8. Put on full-body Spanx.
Every inch of you should to be strangled by sturdy undergarments. Compressing your internal organs is nature’s way of punishing you for living past your prime. The bends and folds in your skin—you know, the ones that allow for joint mobility—are offensive to the general public and should be squished so tightly you feel like you’re trapped inside of a giant sausage casing.
Actress Carrie Fisher is quoted as saying, “Youth and beauty are not accomplishments.” She is obviously suffering delusions from having her brains extracted during the delivery of her child. The only Carrie Fisher the world needs is the Princess-Leia-in-a-string-bikini version. Likewise, if you are over twenty-five, the only version of you the world needs is one who has followed these eight anti-aging tips.
This original piece was written exclusively for In the Powder Room, a division of Hold My Purse Productions, LLC. Featured image © girogiomtb via depositphotos.com.