I SCARE THE PEOPLE OF WALMART

A Mom Confesses: I Scare the People of Walmart

Groping, crying, a high speed security chase…and that’s just the cereal aisle.

 

Most people are familiar with the American Pie reference, “This one time, at Band Camp . . . ” even if they haven’t seen the movie. In my family we have something similar, only it’s more of a, “This one time, at WalMart . . . ”type of thing.

Sadly, when it comes to shopping, I’m a menace to society. No matter how hard I try, I’m just one of those people who, when you see me coming down the cereal aisle, can make you forget your daily fiber intake and slowly back out the way you came.

You may not make it out with your Raisin Bran in cart, but at least you know you won’t get hurt. Or groped.

Here are a few examples of what I’m talkin’ about.

“This one time, at WalMart . . .

 . . . Mom grabbed an old lady’s butt!” In my defense, I didn’t actually grab it. It was more of a gentle patting action.

I was looking at cereals on the top shelf and trying to herd my Offspring at the same time. I gently patted one of them on the behind and said, “Come on, sweetie. Move aloooong, little doggies.”

Imagine my shock when a very surprised, elderly lady replied, “Umm, honey? I’m not one of your doggies.”

 . . . Mom groped an old lady’s boobs.” OK, this really was a grope, but a totally accidental one!

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We were nearing the end of our shopping, meaning the Offspring were running wild like they had fire ants in their pants. As I reached for the powdered drink mix, I turned to yell at the little shelf-climbers to calm down. Sadly, when I turned my head, my hand went with it, missed the drink mix entirely, and latched onto a nearby breastacle instead.

At least no complaints were filed.

 . . . Mom farted loud enough to make a kid cry!” It was NOT my tushy-trumpet that made the kid cry. It was how tight his horrified mother was squeezing him that did it.

If one of my beloved Offspring had bothered to tell me there was a family of four standing right behind me? I never would have engaged in the full-on leg-hike, blow-a-hole-in-your-shorts air release, or the subsequent giggle-gagging over the stench.

 . . . Mom chased Store Security.” I wasn’t chasing him, I was just trying to make his job more fulfilling. There’s a difference!

Yes, I dress like a color-blind bag lady. Yes, with four kids (each one a mere 18 months apart from the last) there were times when personal appearance may have taken a back seat. Yes, I am easily distracted and tend to wander aimlessly until I remember what the hell I know I’m forgetting, but did I mention four kids?

With that image in mind, it’s no wonder Store Security frequently tailed me. It also shouldn’t come as any surprise that I occasionally got fed up with the more overzealous plain-clothed guys and struck back by asking them if I should put the items I intended to purchase in my cart or in my bra. Ya know, just to make sure they didn’t feel like all their hard work was for nothin’.

If he hadn’t run from me without answering my question, I wouldn’t have chased him. So this one really shouldn’t count.

Ya know, now that I think about it, all these examples have one thing in common (besides me): my Offspring. Maybe I’m not the one who’s a menace after all.

Of course, we’ll never know since, on the off chance it really is me, I don’t plan on ever shopping without them. I just wonder whom I’ll blame once they all move out.

 

This original piece by Chris Dean was written exclusively for In the Powder Rooma division of Hold My Purse Productions, LLC. 

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Chris Dean (aka pixiecd) writes at pixie c.d.where she shares acts of stupidity, life with adult Offspring, and tales of homicidal birds. Every once in a while she even throws in some useful info on life with chronic illness. She lives in Indiana with her amazingly tolerant Hubby (who swears he doesn’t mind putting up with her), their four adult-kids, and a petting zoo of cats, dogs, chickens, Muscovy ducks, and geese.

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    • says

      *giggle snort* I do solemnly swear I will continue to be a menace to the people of Walmart, customers and employees alike, as long as I’m not banned!

  1. says

    Ah, Chris, I’ve not visited your writing in a while, but it’s good to know that you are still wreaking havoc on humanity in some way, shape, or form. Your tales are always entertaining and done in a way where we don’t mind laughing at you, along with you. Cheers, friend! The old lady one was the best. I still prefer your shenanigans with the bidets at Menards, though. Hilarious!

  2. says

    I’ve gotta say…when I read “People of Walmart” I generally don’t click, mostly because my eyes are offended – especially before I’ve had my morning coffee. I’m glad I clicked this time.

    • says

      I swear Marcia, after reading about your adventures, you are like my idol when it comes to knowing how to have fun in public. If we were ever in the same place, at the same time, we might create a giggle vortex. Or the getting arrested thing. *grin*
      And thank you so much, sweetie!

    • says

      That’s just because you’re such a focused individual that everything else fades into the background! *grin* It is totally NOT your fault when people don’t respects that focus and gropes happen.

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