It looks like I’m a day late and missed the Academy Awards . . . again. I was busy finishing several loads of laundry and wondering how our cat is up four more pounds on diet cat food.
Mom Oscars should also be a thing. Like the Academy Awards, except with fewer celebrities and more flannel shirts with unidentified dried stuff on them. They could be like the SAG awards, because let’s face it, that’s really where most of us are today.
These awards should be yearly and on a national scale. Well, maybe on a local scale. All right, more like, neighborhood local. Fine, probably household local. [sigh] It’s likely you’ll be the one giving yourself the award.
If I could, I would nominate myself for the following—because in order to give myself the award, I’ll have to nominate myself, and of course, vote. For myself.
First, I would start by awarding myself with the:
Academy Special Achievement Award for . . .
Getting out bed.
Best Choreography for . . .
Carrying the laundry basket up the stairs while pirouetting around two kids chasing a very fat cat.
Of course I would also win:
Best Costume Design for . . .
. . . wearing someone else’s poop on my pant leg.
Which means I’d also win an award in:
Best Film Editing for . . .
. . . almost saying the “F” word and going with the “S” word because I just noticed it’s also on my arm.
Best Makeup and Hairstyling for . . .
. . . getting ready in less than 10 minutes. Yes, I know I only have one eye made up. I’ll finish it in the car and pray the restaurant lighting is dim. Thank goodness the “messy hair” look is in.
But it wouldn’t stop there, it would also include,
Best Original Score for . . .
A medley of “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” and the theme song to Caillou. All sung, off key, to the tune of “The Wheels on the Bus.”
Best Sound Editing for . . .
“Who’s crying?” I asked.
“Someone’s crying? I didn’t hear anything,” my husband replied.
This award goes to my husband.
Best Live Action Short Film for . . .
I have got to intercept that naked baby and get her into the tub. STAT.
Best Visual Effects for . . .
The mess in this house is so realistic.
Best Actress in a Leading Role for . . .
Cooking, cleaning, bill paying, child rearing, toy finding, Play-Doh sculpting and grocery fetching.
Best Actress in a Supporting Role for . . .
“I’m so sorry that the gloves don’t fit on your feet. I’ll hold you while you cry.”
Best Actress in a Dramatic Motion Picture for . . .
“If I have to repeat myself one more time, my head is going to explode.”
Next year I’ll start a series of awards that has to do with my cat losing weight. I’m thinking something along the lines of, “The Biggest Feline Loser.” She’ll win all the awards because she’s fattest cat in our house. Also, she’s the only cat in our house. Strangely enough, her hair and eye makeup always look much better than mine.
Feature photo (edited) © depositphotos.com/fraeje.