EDITORS’ NOTE: We’re In the Powder Room today with “Ask a Man,” our new monthly feature in which a MAN (gasp!) joins us in the stalls so we can ask him a bunch of crazy questions!
This month’s “Ask a Man” guest is writer, humorist, and stand-up comedian Lance Burson! Lance loves to twist people’s knickers with his political humor, but more importantly, he has BIG feelings about Prince. He blogs at My Blog Can Beat Up Your Blog.
Abby Byrd (Little Miss Perfect): Serious question: Does humor help you cope when things get heavy politically? Is there ever a time when you have to step away from doing political humor because keeping up with politics makes you want to hurl yourself from a parapet? I like to imagine that you live in a castle.
Lance: I do live in a castle, with a queen and three Princesses. I’m their footman, exterminator, squire, horse trader, and loyal servant. I never stop doing political humor because I like fighting the good fight—and deep down, I’m a masochist.
Sarah Hosseini (Misguided Mama): How do you feel about a woman president?
Lance: Anxious and excited. It’s time for that glass ceiling to be shattered. England, Israel, Germany, India and other countries have shown that leadership is not exclusive to the male gender. The greatest thing about America is her diversity. President Obama has shown that a mixed-race man from a diverse background can be a brilliant chief executive. Now, it’s time for a woman to lead.
Sarah del Rio (est. 1975): What do you own that makes you feel like an old man? What do you own that makes you feel like a teenager?
Lance: There are way too many antacids, stomach medicines, and regulatory vitamins in our medicine cabinet. But comic books and vinyl records make me feel thirteen years old all the time.
Sarah: Give us the three words that best describe Lance Burson. Then give us the three words that best describe his alter ego: Bance Lurson.
Lance: honest, empathetic and idealistic. Bance: snarky, dismissive and nihilistic.
Whitney Lang Fleming (Playdates on Fridays): If paid enough, would you write Trump’s acceptance speech?
Lance: No. Whitney, you’re fired.
Whitney: Can your values be bought?
Lance: I have little to no self-esteem. but I think I’m a good person and one reason why is that money means nothing to me. So, no. Whitney, you’re fired.
Whitney: And more importantly, who was the best Batman? (I’m going with Keaton.)
Lance: I agree with Keaton for the movies, because Christian Bale messed up the voice. But real geeks like me will tell you that what Kevin Conroy did in Batman: The Animated Series in the 1990s was brilliant.
Jeff Terry (Jeff and Jill Went Up the Hill): What’s the most humorless city you’ve ever been in?
Lance: Have you ever been to New Orleans sober, or been around New Orleans people when they’re sober? It’s not fun. That’s why the drinking age there is eight-years-old.
Jeff: Do you ever just shake your fist at the pointlessness of Aquaman?
Lance: How dare you. Aquaman can talk to fish. He’s sonar-ific. And he can outswim Michael Phelps. Show some respect. He’s earned his superhero mediocrity.
Crystal Lowery (Creepy Ginger Kid): How do you deal with stage fright?
Lance: I don’t really get stage fright. For general nervousness, I picture everyone in the audience wearing a “Who Farted?” t-shirt and Crocs, and that makes me feel superior.
Crystal: What was your toughest crowd and why?
Lance: I did stand-up comedy between 1993-1995, then took a twenty-year break. Back then, my toughest crowd was friends from high school who would intentionally heckle me. I drank more back then, so that never ended well. These days, my toughest crowd consists of the four women I live with who don’t think I’m funny… at all.
Elizabeth Hamilton-Argyropoulos (Bourgeois Alien): Is it true you went into stand-up comedy as part of a witness protection program?
Lance: I betrayed the family to protect my own. This is the life I chose.
Don Re (Don of All Trades): Do you ever do stand-up while sitting down, because fuck those rules?
Lance: At my age, I should be sitting all the time, but I like doing everything the hard way.
Don: If I asked you “Have you ever seen a grown man naked?” would you think I’m asking if you’ve seen another man who’s grown and naked, or if you’ve seen another man who’s grown, while you were naked?
Lance: I always end up next to that guy in the gym locker room.
Don: Do they have Popeyes Louisiana Kitchen where you live? I like Popeyes and don’t care what other people say.
Lance: The Louisianans are remarkable in their alcoholism and their ability to pack 9,000 calories into fried chicken. I’m a fan.
Don: Do you have any dogs?
Lance: One. Buddy the almost 11-year-old Golden Retriever.
Don: Do you want another one?
Don: Do you want this one?
Lance: Double no.
Lance: Stop it, Sarah McLachlan.
This original piece was written exclusively for In the Powder Room, a division of Hold My Purse Productions, LLC. Featured image © RetroClipArt via depositphotos.com.