EDITORS’ NOTE: We’re In the Powder Room today with “Ask a Man,” our new monthly feature in which a MAN (gasp!) joins us in the stalls so we can ask him a bunch of crazy questions.
This month’s “Ask a Man” guest is D.J. Paris: humorist, Twitter comedian, podcaster, and expert on all the latest in CPAP-mask fashion. D.J. blogs at Thoughts From Paris and hosts the Bloggers are Weird Podcast.
Jocelyn Jane Cox (The Home Tome): Have you ever been to Paris, and if so, did you go around telling people that you “owned the place?”
D.J.: I have been to Paris, but it was twenty-one years ago with my high school class. I was such a booze-bag that our literature teacher pulled me aside because he thought I might have a problem. I tried to tell him to “suck it” in French, but I only knew the verb manger, which means “to eat.”
Years later I did quit drinking, because it turns out he was correct. Sacré bleu!
Alison Wilkinson (Run Knit Love): If you were a cupcake flavor, what flavor would you be and why? What flavor would your partner be?
D.J.: My girlfriend won an episode of Cupcake Wars, so I leave all the baking to her. Every year on my birthday she’ll ask me what kind of cake I want and what color frosting and all that stuff. I haven’t the heart to tell her I only want ice cream cake. I just mumble: “Uh, chocolate ganache.” Makes her happy.
Shelly Mazzanoble (Shelly Mazzanoble, Writer): How can I stay classy while telling a well-timed vagina joke? Also, is it inappropriate to teach your two-and-a-half-year-old to pretend he’s pooping Play-Doh? Asking for a friend.
D.J.: To answer your first question, Emily Post has a whole chapter on “Pussy Humor at Parties” in her seminal book on etiquette. Read that.
As for your child (or your “friend’s” child), teach them to first say, “I shouldn’t have eaten those crayons!” and then fake-poop the Play-Doh. Hilarity will ensue.
D.J.: Just last month I bought a body hair electric trimmer. I stepped into our shower stall and began trimming. After ten minutes, I had amassed a ball of body pubes that would have made a Texas tumbleweed jealous. I left it in there as a treat for my girlfriend during her next shower.
RELATED: “My Husband Is a Pubic Menace”
Sarah del Rio (est. 1975): How would you describe the relationship between your dog and your cat?
D.J.: My cat is so in love with the dog that when we walk in the front door after a long day at the office, she runs to the dog first. Before bedtime the cat will clean the dog from head to toe. This is great as I don’t have to bathe the dog but once every few years.
Kate Hall (Hall of Tweets): Did you ever replace your parents’ Jaguar that you crashed?
D.J.: When my parents gave me their old Jaguar, I was single. It probably looked cool to roll up to a date in a nice car, but I felt like such a douche because I hadn’t bought it myself. My biggest fear was dates asking me about it. Because I’m honest, I would have blurted out: “Mommy gave it to me!” That’s not exactly a panty-melter.
Leslie Marinelli (LeslieMarinelli.com): Do you feel like Darth Vader in your CPAP mask? Does your girlfriend hate it, or does she ask you to wear it while you’re playing hide-the-light-saber?
D.J.: I have a strange unconscious behavior where I amorously attack my girlfriend while I sleep. This happens once every few weeks. While dreaming I reach over and start pawing her at a primal, aggressive level. This would probably be better received if I wasn’t wearing the full-face CPAP mask at the time.
Teri Biebel (Snarkfest): Did you want to be a famous blogger/podcaster when you were growing up? Or did that just happen?
D.J.: Wow, if only I had the same opinion of myself! I can assure you the number of times I’ve been asked for an autograph is in the low hundreds. Sometimes I can’t even GET a table at Spago—even after I tell them that I got seven retweets on the latest joke I posted. And two favorites.
Crystal Lowery (Creepy Ginger Kid): Patti Stanger says redheads are undateable. Is this true?
D.J.: Redheaded women are fine. However, if you’re a redheaded guy, life is difficult. No woman fantasizes about freckled-dick fellatio. Well, no woman who’s reasonably well-adjusted. But don’t worry, redheaded guys—I’m blonde. Chicks don’t care about us either.
This original piece was written exclusively for In the Powder Room, a division of Hold My Purse Productions, LLC. Featured image © RetroClipArt via depositphotos.com.