EDITORS’ NOTE: We’re In the Powder Room today with “Ask a Man,” our new monthly feature in which a MAN (gasp!) joins us in the stalls so we can ask him a bunch of crazy questions.
This month’s “Ask a Man” guest is Officer Don Re: St. Louis policeman, writer, and humorist. Don drinks Bud Light Lime and blogs at Don of all Trades.
Kate Hall (Hall of Tweets): Is “Re” really your last name, or is it a code name, since you’re a cop?
Don: It’s my real last name, yes. I don’t know if it’s short for anything, but it probably is. If my ancestors were anything like me, then they were very lazy, so I could see them deciding on a two-letter name as a way to save time and energy.
Vicki Lesage (Vicki Lesage, Writer): When people recognize you around town, is it because of your awesome reputation as a cop, your stellar online personality, or your status as the only person who actually drinks Bud Light Lime?
Don: I know this is hard to believe, but nobody has ever recognized me for any of those reasons. When I do get recognized around town, it’s normally by small children, who know me as the fat, crabby guy that coaches the baseball and soccer teams.
Shelly Mazzanoble (Shelly Mazzanoble, Writer): Who makes up better excuses when caught doing things they shouldn’t: criminals, attorneys, or your kids?
Don: OMG, criminals are the best. They talk and talk and talk, even after you tell them that they have the right to remain silent. As for kids, they’re basically just criminals in smaller bodies, and they don’t have the right or the ability to remain silent. They go on and on and on, even after you send them to their rooms and tell them to shut up and wait for their mother to deal with them.
Melanie Loveday Madamba (The Not so Supermom): Do you consider the proverbial “thin blue line” more “sacred emblem of police brotherhood” or “something one of your kids drew on the wall with a ballpoint pen”?
Don: Well, of course it’s something one of the boys drew on the wall, and on the floor, and on their faces in permanent ink the morning of school picture day. As for its representation of police brotherhood, I don’t believe it’s as profound as many people think. It still exists on some levels, but not in a terrible way. Most of us are tired of the abuse we get from the public, and are more than eager to narc on cops who are chronic line-crossers, especially when the lines are very clearly drawn.
Don: Ironically, that article was posted exactly one year before the day I’m answering this question. I didn’t attain “fame” from that post, but it did get a lot of attention. I was very uncomfortable with it at first, for various reasons, but in the end it was a blessing. The victim’s dad actually called me a couple of weeks ago to thank me—he said he’d been trying to reach me for months. It was a really great moment in my career as a cop. As a “humor” writer though, the post sort of stunted my enthusiasm. It turned my blog into more of a work-related sounding board, and I still haven’t regained whatever ability I might have had before to write something semi-funny.
Tara Wood (Love Morning Wood): If you could arrest anyone, who would it be and why?
Don: A guy I went to high school with named Carl, because he owes me $5. Or Nicholas Cage, because someone needs to stop him from making movies. It’s probably too late for the latter, though.
Carrie Henry (Ponies and Martinis): Have you and your wife ever had sex in the back of a patrol cruiser?
Don: Hahaha! No. The backs of patrol cruisers are where we put the bad guys, and the bad guys are very often gross and nasty and gross, so no, that would not happen, even were the wife willing.
Don: Police officers are very frugal. I just use an old uniform shirt that has a mustard stain on it. The drunken ladies don’t seem to mind the stain. It’s not until the shirt comes off that I get many complaints.
This original piece was written exclusively for In the Powder Room, a division of Hold My Purse Productions, LLC. Featured image © RetroClipArt via depositphotos.com.