Welcome to our third installment of “Mother Rose Best,” our own unique weekly recap of The Bachelor, with bonus parenting advice mined from the rose scented wreckage…
It was Week Three, and the girls still couldn’t figure out Olivia, the resident reptile that must bask in the warm light of a camera to survive. Did she really spend $40,000 on a wardrobe? Are her boobs fake? Is she a mean girl deep down, as Caila suspects?
Honey, I’ve got pores deeper than that girl. Trust.
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Lauren B. and Ben risked throwing up in each other’s mouths for some virtuous, mile-high making out in a biplane. They crop-dusted the mansion, forcing the girls to wave and burst into tears after being reminded that Ben dates other women. A hot tub appeared in the middle of the desert, where loud kissing ensued and scared off the scorpions.
The group daters played soccer and took balls to the face, boobs, and uteruses, which for everyone except Becca was a typical second date. The losers limped home, dirt-smeared and bitter, while the winners watched Olivia shanghai Ben into a hotel room, then foist her future trophy-husband over the balcony like a wet towel. No immunity rose, but that’s okay, because they now communicate on a psychic level.
Olivia’s halitosis, and the girth of her toes, was discussed behind her back. Jami tattled all of this to Olivia, who couldn’t believe the other girls weren’t also making fun of her cankles.
Before leaving for her one-on-one date, Jubilee cracked a joke, which sent the girls into a tailspin. Finding a husband on reality television is serious! What does Ben see in this incredibly-fit jester? After vomiting caviar into a napkin, Jubilee felt comfortable sharing her sordid backstory. Much to the other girls’ disappointment, she got a rose.
At the rose ceremony, Ben revealed terrible news from home, and (most) of the girls rushed to make him feel better. In a rare moment of lucidity, Lace left in search of self-love, and three girls were dismissed like Olivia’s pre-show psychiatric exam.
Much to Ben’s dismay, there was drama, as well as more teachable moments:
1. Be realistic. Sometimes a hand on a knee is just for balance. If you want to read signs and misinterpret symbols, get some rune stones.
2. Unless you’re an English Pointer and the object of your affection is a quail, it’s okay to back off and lose the scent sometimes.
3. Practice empathy. If someone needs comforting, ask yourself: is now a good time to bring up the blog dedicated to my cankles?
4. You say “aggressive” and “disrespectful.” She says “My entire family died.” Don’t be judgmental until you’ve walked a cobblestone driveway in someone’s stripper heels.
5. Surrounded by a pack of superficial she-wolves ready to rip into you like they would the warm belly of a lamb? Beat them to the punch. “Perfection is lame.” (OMG, I just quoted Olivia.)
6. Choose your battles wisely. You’re fighting with a woman who survived Boot Camp? Have you seen her biceps?
It’s now up to Olivia to shoulder the mean girl mantle by herself. Thankfully she’s got Fred Flintstone’s toes for support.