A Eulogy of My Vibrator by Leigh Baker In the Powder Room

Buzz Kill: A Eulogy of My Vibrator

Every beloved partner deserves a proper burial.

 

I like to think of myself as a free spirit and independent thinker. I’m the says-what-everyone-else-is-thinking-but-too-afraid-to-say-outloud girl—the eternal fun girl. I even bought Madonna’s coffee table photo book entitled simply Sex, so why had no one ever invited me to a sex toy party? Moreover, how did I live forty years without ever owning a vibrator?

When I got news there was going to be a risqué “Tupperware” party in my neighborhood, I made sure I was on the guest list. Once there, my never-before-seen introverted persona emerged and I purchased the first gadget offered to me—the Ice Ice Baby. Later that night, I stumbled home from the party with my new friend concealed in a brown paper bag and waited until I was home alone to see if Ice and I had any sort of love connection.

OH.

MY.

GAAWWWWDDDDD!

Within seconds I was laid out cold on my closet floor trembling from fatigue. I felt like Mike Tyson had just sucker-punched me. Whoa! Where did that come from? I wasn’t entirely sure how I got there; I was disillusioned with sudden exhaustion, yet fraught with a peculiar thrill for more. Ice’s grip on me was magnetic and satiating and I couldn’t get enough of him. I fantasized about him in carpool anticipating how soon I could get back home for our morning tryst. Our encounters were contrived with the quick precision of a S.W.A.T. team—when kids were in the bath, hubby was mowing the lawn, or the amount of time it took to defrost hamburgers for dinner.

Regrettably, our illicit love affair was short-lived as Ice deceased and his fervent spirit was taken from this earth far too early. I know what you’re thinking. Damn, girl, you wore that thing out! I’ve had mine for almost eight years. And I say to you, “Yes. Yes, I did.” In my selfish haste, however, I never told Ice how much he meant to me; he thrust life into me, flicked away my stress and aroused my shameful libido.

I would like to take this special opportunity to publically express my appreciation and respect for my beloved Ice. Please join me in honoring a life well lived.

Eulogy of Ice Ice Baby

Summer of 2011

Our connection was unexpected
No small talk or courtship had
The lights went out so fast
But you made me feel oh so glad

It was a long indulgent summer
Of feelings I can’t explain
You made me feel special
Your devotion never waned

With worn and faulty buttons
Your bustling motor finally died
But your effort never futile
I still smiled as you died inside

I mourn your loss each passing day
But ‘tis time to take you of the closet
Away from the hats and fancy shoes
And into the ground I will deposit

Like a first kiss
Exhilarating, memorable and true
You will never be replaced
For Ice Ice Baby, I loved you

BuzzKill by LeighBones In the Powder Room

 

This original piece by Leigh Baker was written exclusively for In the Powder Rooma division of Hold My Purse Productions, LLC. 

For a good time, connect with us on Facebook and Twitter.

Leigh Baker is a wife, mother, writer and FBI Agent-wannabe. She is also known as the marathon personality, Steady Betty, where she writes about vagina wedgies and the time her husband misplaced one testicle. Leigh’s philosophy is You Can’t Hide Crazy so you may as well embrace it. You can see Leigh’s crazy hanging out over at her hilarious blog, www.leighbones.com, where she writes about more common things like labia lipstick, craigslist hookups and texts from last night.

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  1. says

    You dressed in a little suit? OMG only you, Leigh!

    This was soooo funny! (how did you go so long without one? holy jeezus woman). Sorry your buzz buddy can no longer love you long time. I hope you replaced him. Ice junior perhaps. :)

    • says

      Beth,

      I did. I sewed him a little pillow and everything. :)

      Sadly, there has been no replacement for Ice Ice Baby. I will, however, accept gifts. 😉 I’m a women’s medium if that helps.

      XO, Leigh

  2. says

    The suit. The name. The defrosting of burgers.

    Dear Lord has my life just changed. I’m not sure I can focus on anything else today.

    And that is totally NOT a bad thing.

    High five, sister. High-friggin-five.

    =)

  3. says

    OMGosh, too funny! I had one fall off the bathroom counter and die. I’m pretty sure it was suicide. Poor thing was overworked.

  4. says

    Leigh, this was hilarious! I was reading it with my 24-year-old daughter sitting next to me and my laughing drew her attention. She also thought it was hilarious (and weirdly, I didn’t mind sharing your story of your pulsating pal with my kid).

    When you have grieved for an appropriate amount of time and are ready to move on — just remember this — “The Rabbit”. Everything you hear is true.

    • says

      I’m intrigued by this Rabbit you speak of.

      And 24 is totally a respectable age to discuss these things with your daughter. Don’t be that mom that describes the body as, “the head, belly button and we skip down here to the toes-ies!”

  5. says

    What I am 27 and I think i must be missy out. Ice Ice seems like the perfect friend to have.. perhaps I need to look into getting my own special friend..

    thanks for sharing.. does Ice have any brothers? ( :) )

    xoxo, Anni

  6. says

    OMG! That is absolutely amazing! I love the funeral clothes! I have to also concur with another commentor…The Rabbit is fabulous! Thank you so much for the wonderful laugh!

  7. says

    Never have I ever seen a vibrator in a suit. That’s amazing. I can’t tell what “type” Ice is, but if you’ve never tried a Hitachi Magic Wand, stop what you’re doing and get one. You’ll thank me later.

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