Check Out The Size of That Thing In the Powder Room

Check Out the Size of That Thing!

“…they say size doesn’t matter, whoever they are, but I say it does.”

 

Right now I’m scared. Downright terrified.

I mean, check out the size of that thing!

I know they say size doesn’t matter, whoever they are, but I say it does. And right now I’m intimidated by the sheer scope of the thing. At the same time though, there’s this certain fascination with it, you know what I mean?

It’s not like I could miss it.  Nobody within a five mile radius could miss this thing. I see it every morning from this vantage point; standing upright at attention and gleaming in the sunlight. It’s pretty much the most impressive erection I’ve ever had the opportunity to bear witness to. I’ve seen pictures of it on the Internet! I’m not kidding. From every angle.

Forget it. The thought of getting on that thing? I shudder. I’ve heard it’s the biggest one in the world. By the way, where’s the humility in that?

I admit that it’s entirely wasted on me. Oh, I’m not proud of that fact, believe me. One of my girlfriends told me she’s done it over and over again and just as soon as she gets off, she wants to ride it again. She’d get on and ride that thing right now if she could. Between you and me, I was completely surprised when she told me that, because I had her figured for a real straight-laced priss. Apparently though, she’s a real screamer. Absolutely loves it. Mouth open wide, head back, just enjoying every second of it.

Which brings me to another point. HA! Pardon the pun. Talk about quick, don’t you hate waiting for it, preparing for it, anticipating it for what seems like forever, only to have it over almost immediately? I mean, one minute you’re thrust up to the heavens, then you’re plunged downward, corkscrewing, sometimes you repeat the whole thing backwards, your feet are dangling, your head is spinning, you can’t catch your breath, you feel like you’re going to have a freaking heart attack from all the adrenaline and then it’s over. And ladies, you know you could go again, am I right? But he tells you he’s not “up” for it. He finally gets you on the thing and now he doesn’t wanna have another go at it.

There’s a name for it: “Kingda Ka.” Like King Kong? More like King Dong. BIG DEAL. And it’s supposed to get everybody all hot and excited in a King Kong/Fay Wray sorta way, where Kong mounts the Empire State Building and takes control of her. And actually, if you mount this thing, they say you can see Manhattan. Listen, it’s gonna take a lot more than that to get me to Nirvana, you know what I’m sayin’?

Like I said, it makes me nervous.  I don’t know if I can handle it. I mean, if I grab on real tight . . . maybe. But I’ve got a real bad gag reflex and I’m sort of afraid I’ll throw up. Maybe if I do it with my eyes closed. What do you think—is it better with your eyes closed or open?

If I’m forced, maybe then I’ll jump on. At the last possible moment. If I’m forced, and I keep my eyes closed and I hang on for dear life. I think then I might be able to do it.

But just once. I’ll see how I feel after that. I might be just too worn out from the stress. I’ll probably flex every muscle in my body before it’s over and I’ll be completely and totally exhausted from it. I’ll probably be sore the entire next day.

Though . . . if it’s as good as I’ve heard it is, I might do it multiple times.

Kingda_Ka.jpg

 

Linda Roy is a writer/musician whose “funny with a soundtrack” humor blog mixes humorous essays with comical songs. She lives in New Jersey with her husband and two boys who swear she’s the female Larry David. A BlogHer Voice of the Year for humor, she is a regular contributor to The Huffington Post and Humor Outcasts. Her work has been featured on numerous websites, including Scary Mommy, In the Powder Room, Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop, BLUNT Moms and BlogHer. She is co-author of several anthologies, including the third book in the New York Times bestselling “Pee Alone” series, I STILL Just Want To Pee Alone, as well as the bestselling The Bigger Book of Parenting Tweets, and Surviving Mental Illness Through Humor. Connect with her on Facebook, Twitter @lindaroywrites, Pinterest, Google+, Instagram, and laugh at her musicomedy on YouTube. No wonder her family is always running out of clean underwear.

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    • says

      Me too. I guess because I need my glasses for everything now. So when I’ve got this thing comin’ at me and it’s all blurry…forget it.

  1. says

    AHAHAHAH very funny. I enjoyed that way more than an actually roller coaster ride. That’s not my kind of adrenaline rush. No Ma’am. Not for me. And that thing looks absolutely terrifying! I think I’d seriously die on it.

  2. says

    Yikes, you won’t get me up on that thing!! What a great post, Linda, and I Love the build up to what you were actually writing about, well done!!

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