Chicago, Illinois—Chicago woman Janice Halsted, 47, was forcibly restrained by police when they were dispatched to her home yesterday after an anonymous 911 call. First responders found Halsted naked, shrieking, and stabbing her entire collection of Tupperware to death with a butcher knife.
“Ms. Halsted suffered a psychotic break after realizing her cupboard was so jammed full of Tupperware that it had become impossible to open,” said Officer Steven Jameson of the Chicago Police Department. “At some point she also experienced a massive surge of adrenaline, which enabled her to rip the door off its hinges with her bare hands.”
“Seriously. That bitch Hulked out,” agreed nearby Officer Lance Danzig, who immediately received the stink-eye from Jameson, as well as a heavy-handed suggestion to shut his “stupid, insensitive cakehole.”
Neighbors informed police that Mrs. Halsted often bragged about her kitchen’s large, Lazy Susan-style cupboard, and how it was just perfect for Tupperware storage. “She never shut up about it,” complained next-door neighbor Etta Frick, 74. “Always on and on about that damn cupboard, as if half the people on this block don’t have the same exact kitchen plan. Isn’t that right, Father?”
“I CAN’T HEAR YOU, MOTHER,” shouted Peter Frick, 79. “MY HEARING AID’S NOT WORKING.” He then gestured ineffectually towards his right ear, which did not actually contain a hearing aid, but did have some gross white hairs on offer.
Tragically, Halsted’s beloved Lazy Susan cupboard simply could not contain what one anonymous source (son Adam, 17) classified as “a metric fuck-ton of Tupperware.” The sheer volume of plastic containers forced a rubber lid into the cabinet’s rotation mechanism, wedging the entire thing shut.
“Ms. Halsted wrestled with the cupboard door for a good half hour, but to no avail,” Officer Jameson reported. “Sadly, that was all her fragile mind could take. That’s when she ripped off all of her clothes, grabbed the butcher knife, and Hulked out.”
“Really?” remarked Officer Danzig dryly. “Really.”
After Halsted was taken into police custody, forensic investigators arrived at the home and processed the scene of the crime until the wee hours of the morning. “It was absolute carnage,” said Crime Scene Investigator Evan Doosh. “I’ve never seen anything so horrible in my life. There was gore strewn everywhere. Dismembered nesting bowls, mutilated sandwich containers, bits and pieces of those lids that burp…”
Doosh trailed off and choked back a sob before turning away and ending the interview.
When asked if criminal charges would be pressed, a representative of the Cook County State’s Attorney’s Office said: “Absolutely. This senseless tragedy cannot stand. We need to see that justice is served here. We will be prosecuting Ms. Halsted to the fullest extent of the law for these heinous murders.”
When reminded that it is neither against the law nor even really possible to “murder” Tupperware, the spokesperson for the Attorney’s Office said “No further comment” and gave this reporter the finger.