crap a cautionary tale via in the powder room

Crap! A Cautionary Tale about Running and the Runs

Image credit: Universal Pictures via Basement Rejects
 

For three days after my doctor’s second failed attempt to forcibly remove the IUD that had embedded itself in my uterine wall, I stuffed my feelings with food and hardly moved. I knew by the cramps and bleeding that a significant amount of scraping had been inflicted upon my insides. Between that and the sudden realization that my husband’s hopes of a third baby had just shriveled up and died, I felt it appropriate to use those three days the doctor had given me before I could “resume normal activities” to rest and pout like a small child.

In retrospect, it might have been wise to inform my doctor that I was a runner. At the time, “normal” activities for me consisted of running four to five miles most days. So on the fourth day, that is what I decided to do. I also thought it would be reasonable to run in the middle of the afternoon in hundred-degree heat (another thing that was “normal” for me). Though a logical inner voice warned, “Maybe wait ’til later when it’s cooler, dumbass, and perhaps only run one or two miles,” I soldiered on.

The first three miles were fine, if slow. But as I began mile four, I began cramping. I tried to run through the cramps but soon broke out in goose bumps. Something’s not right, I thought, if I have goose bumps in hundred-degree heat. I slowed to a walk and crossed to the shady side of the road. When my cramps subsided, I tried to run again, but after only a half mile I knew I was in deep doo-doo . . . so to speak.

The cramps, which stemmed from my uterine region, had managed to wreak havoc on my entire abdominal cavity, but most especially the part in charge of “evacuation,” as the polite nurses like to call it. If you’ve ever had the I-MUST-GO-NOW-OR-I-WILL-DIE feeling of impending doom, you won’t be surprised that I was weighing the following options:

1.) Pooping in the bushes. People would definitely see me and there would be no hiding what I was doing. But at least it wouldn’t be . . .

2.) Pooping in my pants. Because maybe, just maybe, I could make it home before any leaked down my leg, forever marking me as a social pariah in my idyllic gated community where people keep their flower beds weeded and their sidewalks edged and bleached. (Read: We would have had to move.)

3.) Knocking on one of my neighbor’s doors and explaining that I had recently had a “procedure” done (because then maybe they’d feel sorry for me) and I was having an “emergency” and could I please use their bathroom?

4.) Trying like hell to make it home before any of the first three options became unavoidable.

I went with number four. If you had seen me walking those last few steps to my house, there would have been no question in your mind as to my predicament. No one waddles like that for any other reason besides squeezing their ass-cheeks together in a desperate attempt to prevent an impending eruption.

It was a dangerously close call, but I made it home just in time. That’s right; I miraculously did NOT shit my pants or worse, turn my street into The Brown Mile. But I did learn an important life-lesson: not everyone’s definition of “normal” is the same as mine. The next time I undergo a medical procedure, I’ll give my body a little more recovery time before I “resume normal activities.”

 

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When Kristen Mae isn’t running absurdly long distances, washing poop out of her dog’s butt-hair, or taming her two booger-machines, she’s tossing her expensive master’s of music performance degree out the window by feverishly attacking her “writing career.” Kristen is the voice of Abandoning Pretense, where she tells the whole, uncensored truth about marriage, parenthood, and life. In addition to her blog, Mae shares hilarious and heart-warming tidbits of her life on her Facebook page, Google+, Twitter and Pinterest, and is also a regular contributor at ScaryMommy.com, Bluntmoms.com, Mamapedia.com and Mamalode.com.

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  1. says

    LOL. Poor you. I’d read (normal for me is sitting still and reading) this happens to marathon runners and they just keep running while poop runs down their leg.So I guess I”m saying, feel proud?!

  2. says

    I can so relate. I have had IBS my whole life and I only shit my pants once. I call that success.

    And people wonder why I fear IUD’s. No thanks. I will stick with the pill. :)

  3. Jamie Renee Hendricks says

    HA HA HA HA! This just made me feel so much better about a day I recently had. Sure I would laugh during the Bridesmaid movie scene about popping, but only because I am human and I can relate. Come on now, say it with me, everybody poops!
    I just love how Kristin Mae reminds people that we’re all human.

  4. says

    On the bright side, if you had absolutely had to knock on the neighbor’s door, at least you could have made up for it later by bringing over a plate of brownies. Wait…no…

  5. stacy graebner says

    This is hilarious! I’ve been in this situation (or shituation) more than once… the best was when I was running in a park with a guy friend and had to go into full butt-clench mode (btw running with guy friend immediately eliminates options #1 and #2),. Miraculously we came across a porta-potty so I dashed inside only to discover there was no TP (pretty sure I was being punk’d by Ashton Kutcher at that point)… fortunately I happened to have a $5 bill in my pocket, and yes… I literally “flushed” money down the toilet. fyi, 5 dollar bills are not as absorbent as they should be.

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