I should begin by pointing out that I failed Biology in junior college, and have never had a real girlfriend. My knowledge of how menstruation works is limited at best.
Also, I’m a dude.
Still, my understanding is that every month a woman gets her “curse,” and gone are the times where gals would be ushered to the edge of the village for three days. Victory for the Women’s Lib movement!
First, tampons. I don’t understand exactly how they work, but I did see a Playtex ad in Seventeen magazine once where a girl asked her mother, “Are you sure I’ll still be a virgin?” Since you should save your virginity for a true love, let’s steer clear of tampons. No girl should ever have to say: “My first time was with Tampax.” Keep your crack intact until the night of your senior prom. You’re worth it.
Next are sanitary napkins. I prefer this terminology to “maxi-pad” since it sounds classier. Plus, I don’t know what “maxi” means. But a napkin that keeps that area clean? Sign me up, s’il vous plait! (French idioms also make stuff sound classier).
But here’s the problem with sanitary napkins. Let’s say you land a hot date with a guy at the office in Accounts Receivable. He takes you for a high-end steak dinner (Pro Tip: steak is rich in iron, which is good when replenishing blood loss) and then back to his condo for “dessert.” Dessert, he tells you, is his wiener. So, you’re getting hot and heavy on his divan when all of a sudden you remember you’re having a spotting day. Gadzooks! You excuse yourself to the bathroom, but then what? You can’t flush a maxi-pad since you’ll clog up the toilet. If you toss the soiled napkin into the garbage, he’ll see it the next day and never speak to you again.
But if you’re wearing The DivaCup® you can yank the sucker out of your vajeen and wash it in the sink. Return to the loveseat, and let him ravish away without fear of embarrassing yourself—but remember that you’re going to need to actually remove it before he “serves you dessert.”
Highest possible recommendation!
UPDATE: I just learned you can get a patch or something where you never have a period again. Do that instead.
This original piece by D.J. Paris was written exclusively for In the Powder Room, a division of Hold My Purse Productions, LLC. Featured image © The DivaCup via Instagram. This post contains an Amazon affiliate link, which helps us continue to bring you outstanding content like this. Thank you for your support In the Powder Room!