When did I get so old?
I mean, the skin on my neck didn’t turn into loose skin folds that resemble labia overnight, did they? This has been a process, right?
Here I’ve been focusing all my energy on crow’s feet, eye bags, and lip hairs, when out of the blue I realize I should have been focusing on my neck and throat area all along. Nora Ephron’s book, I Feel Bad About My Neck, sums up everything I’m thinking about myself just in the title.
It’s bad enough that the peach fuzz on my upper lip occasionally sprouts a long black whisker which makes me look like I should be flying on a broom somewhere. It’s bad enough that my nipples point to my toes, and that my toes have as much hair as my upper lip. It’s bad enough that my eyebrows are not platinum blonde like I thought they were. No.
Those are gray hairs, bitch.
What the hell happens to us? I vacillate greatly between accepting my age and being downright terrified of it, and my neck terrifies me most of all.
I know that my abs look less like a washboard and more like a can of Pillsbury biscuits. I could probably do something about that—like 20 hours of Pure Barre a week, or just less eating of actual cans of biscuits. But then that’s when my battle cry of “LET’S EMBRACE THIS ‘GETTING OLD’ THING!”’ gets drowned out by my comfy couch, and instead of pumping my fist in the air and ducking from my Bingo arm flap, I start watching Amy Schumer videos on YouTube instead. And feel just fine with myself.
But then the neck vagina began to creep in. To say it looks like a Georgia O’Keefe orchid is highly exaggerating its beauty. (Wondering what a neck vagina looks like? Sorry—I’m not posting a picture. But hey, maybe you have one too and you don’t even know it! Try taking a selfie and see. I warned you.)
Nobody warned me about it. Sagging skin? Yes. Baggy eyes? Yes. Looser jowls? Yes. Like Paula Deen. And I can deal with all of those things.
But somewhere between my Adam’s apple and the dent in my neck that my doctor pushes on to check my thyroid, my throat folds have begun to come together. If I move just right, look to one side, and then to the other side, it’s there. I noticed it when trying to take a fancy glamour selfie for my YouTube channel. I find it ironic that at the moment I was trying to position for a flattering picture to share with thousands of followers, what I got was the most unflattering shot ever. Can you imagine if I hadn’t caught it before uploading it? It might have made for a completely different media sensation than the kind I had hoped for:
“VIRAL SELFIE OF WOMAN’S VAGINA-NECK. NEWS AT 11.”
Since then, I’ve been Googling neck exercises and face yoga. Because they are legitimate things, people. If you do them in your car, it’s a good way to keep occupied at a stoplight, and an even better way to get odd looks from fellow drivers. (They probably think I’m just doing interpretive dance, what with my Helen Reddy blaring away.) Since I don’t do yoga for my body, the least I can do is do yoga for my face, right? Don’t laugh that I got tired while doing it in the Starbucks drive-thru.
I’ve never had the problem of men staring at my chest instead of making eye contact. My chest has never been that interesting. But come to think of it? I have caught a guy staring at my clavicle. Could he have been staring at my neck crotch instead of the necklace I was wearing?
I’m glad I look good in turtlenecks. And scarves. Next on the Google: plastic surgeons that specialize in neck labia. Because fuck this shit.
Editors’ Note: If you have a neckgina like Rebecca, and want to do something non-invasive about it, there are a number of options (besides hiding it with turtlenecks and scarves). Here are just a few:
Easy and entertaining for everyone in your vicinity, try these 6 Facial Exercises for an All-Natural Neck Lift via OrganicAuthority.com.
Rodan+Fields Executive Consultant Mary Anne Payne recommends the AMP MD™ System for its skin-firming benefits. This system consists of a Micro-Exfoliating Roller and Night Renewing Serum, and it’s not just for your turkey neck! Mary Anne’s clients also use this system on their faces and bodies to minimize stretch marks, wrinkles, and acne scars too.
And don’t miss Fumiko Takatsu’s delightful (and free!) Face Yoga Method videos on YouTube! (Bet you can’t stop at just one.)
This original piece by Rebecca Gallagher was written exclusively for In the Powder Room, a division of Hold My Purse Productions, LLC. Featured image © Sarah del Rio. This post contains an Amazon affiliate link, which helps us continue to bring you outstanding content like this. Thank you for your support In the Powder Room!