"Mother Rose Best" is back with a recap of The Bachelor episode 5 plus parenting tips gleaned from the rose-scented wreckage.

¿Dónde Está My Weave?

Welcome to our 5th installment of “Mother Rose Best,” our own unique weekly recap of The Bachelor, with bonus parenting advice mined from the rose-scented wreckage…

Adiós Sin City and hola Imodium A-D! Week 5 in Mexico City provided Ben the perfect backdrop for determining who was worthy of open-mouth kissing.

Ben snuck into the girls’ hotel room at the crack of dawn to wake Amanda for their one-on-one. The women were frantic, hiding retainers and wiping off zit cream. “Whose weave is this?” Ben asked, pointing to a border collie on the nightstand.

RELATED: Last week on The Bachelor: Sex Panther

Ben and Amanda soared above ancient pyramids in a romantic cliché hot air balloon that eventually deposited them in a field of dead grass. Amanda, wearing something from the Stars on Ice consignment shop, kept things light by reminiscing about her abusive relationship, traumatic divorce, and the damaging effect both will have on her children.

The group date brought the girls to a room with books, desks, and a teacher. JoJo had no idea where she was. They learned tender declarations like “I’m falling for you” and “Is that rash contagious?” in Spanish before pairing up for a cook-off. Olivia wrestled Ben from Jubilee’s flaccid grip, shoved a handful of crickets into her giant maw, and screamed, “I CLAIMED YOU!” at him.

JoJo asserted that Ben had already tasted her taco (“…and he loved it,”) but it paled against Jubilee’s salty, bitter tears. As the group prepared for cocktails, Ben’s voice cued Olivia to interrupt everybody and shepherd him to a remote candlelit corner. Later, when Jubilee finally got Ben alone, she cracked like a passive-aggressive, self-pitying clay mask. He dismissed her, earning praise from JoJo, who complimented the super graceful way he dumps girls.

Olivia’s manifestation muscles were so powerful even the Universe was in awe. Her cankles swelled with confidence as she earned the date rose and the cold, sun-kissed shoulders of her competitors. In her exit interview, Jubilee snatched the title of “Most Unlovable.”

For her one-on-one, Lauren H. donned an outfit so tiny it had to have come from the Lost and Found in her kindergarten classroom. She got the rose after admitting she’d been cheated on.

At the cocktail party, Olivia broke the last straw by comparing Amanda’s concern for her daughters to an episode of Teen Mom. When no one responded, Olivia explained the show’s premise:

“So they’re moms. But also teenagers…”

An emotionally maxed-out Emily sobbed over Olivia’s cruelty. Not a fan of blonde women crying, Ben interrogated the other women before pulling Olivia aside. The episode ended there, but life lessons gushed like Montezuma’s Revenge:

  1. Retainers aren’t just for divorce lawyers. Even if the man you’re pretending to love and a 32-person camera crew could burst into your bedroom anytime, make sure to wear your retainer every night. 
  2. Don’t wallow. Being eclipsed? Get out of the shadows.
  3. Olivia turned a group date into a one-on-one. Girlfriend doesn’t know shit about mouthwash, but she knows how to maximize opportunity.
  4. Don’t be a tattletale. Dreadful people always get their comeuppance.
  5. Never poke a mama bear. She grew and expelled two humans from her body. She will cut a bitch.

“The Bachelor” airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.

Mother Rose Best: Snarky Recaps & Parenting Tips derived from The Bachelor In the Powder Room

This original piece by Shelly Mazzanoble was written exclusively for In the Powder Rooma division of Hold My Purse Productions, LLC. Featured image credit: ABC via Instagram

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Shelly Mazzanoble is an author and playwright who has published essays and short stories on Scary Mommy, In the Powder Room, Blunt Moms, and Pregnant Chicken, and authors the humorous parenting column, Mom in the Middle, for Seattle-based parenting organization PEPs. Her essays have been syndicated on popular sites such as BlogHer. She is the mother of a toddler who provides endless fodder she will continue to exploit until he’s old enough to understand the word, “litigation.” Connect with Shelly on Twitter @shellymoo, Facebook, and her blog.

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