Welcome to our final installment of this season’s “Mother Rose Best,” our own unique weekly recap of The Bachelor, with bonus parenting advice mined from the rose-scented wreckage…
Last week on The Bachelor: The Hot Seat
The final episode promised to be THE MOST DRAMATIC IN BACHELOR HISTORY. Ben loved two girls, but the producers had only budgeted for one, so somebody’s heart was gonna get broken.
Each girl believed Ben loved only her. Meanwhile, Ben couldn’t decide who would be subjected to impassive kisses and stiff handholding for eternity. He hoped his parents would provide clarity.
Lauren arrived bearing wine, flowers, and a Cher-like tooth smack. Ben’s dad immediately crushed out, but the real Mrs. Higgins clearly preferred brunettes.
Jojo, jittery and emotional, offered up a lily-filled conch shell from the hotel gift shop and joy-cried the whole visit.
Ben awoke the next morning, still confused. He sought lucidity by pacing side-to-side on a moving catamaran. Lauren appeared on a raft, and Ben immediately started acting weird.
“Are you stressed?” she asked.
“Umm, you’re beautiful?”
Lauren wondered if Ben also loved Jojo and began questioning his intentions.
Still fearing she was too good for him, Ben pondered life without producer-planned dates. At least he and Jojo had survived real hardship together, like when a helicopter blew over a table and spilled their champagne.
They parted with Ben still confused and Lauren 3% less confident.
Once again, Ben awoke befuddled. He took Jojo and her Amazing Levitating Mammaries to a romantic swimming hole, where they discussed inconsequential details such as living arrangements should they choose to spend forever together. Next, hidden from cameras, they crammed into a water closet where Ben equated “sitting on the floor, being as open as possible” with love, and admitted he loved Lauren too.
The morning of the proposal, Ben talked diamonds with Neil Lane. Spying the gaudiest, most over-designed ring of the bunch, he declared: “I know who I’m proposing to!”
Dressed like a mermaid of ill repute, Jojo teetered down a pathway longer than the Pacific Coast Trail. Face-to-face with the man who once sat on piddle-covered tile for her, she launched into a flowery speech promising love and protection should her brothers douche out and try shanking him with a wishbone. All that tight-lipped kissing paid off, as Ben managed to contain three days’ worth of vomit in his mouth.
He said he loved her, but loved someone else more. Jojo was all: “WTF! I have to walk down that stupid path again?”
Later, Lauren beamed as Ben slipped a ring too big to wear in public onto her finger. They kissed, without tongue, but oh well. Got to save something for the honeymoon.
Engagements fizzle, but the teachings left in their wake live forever:
1. Always wear a bra when meeting someone’s parents.
2. Trust your gut. It knows when your paramour loves someone else.
3. Lose graciously, especially when everyone’s watching. (What you do at home with Adele and a Costco cheesecake is your business.)
4. Love, even the contrived, made-for-TV variety is worth rooting for.
5. Whether you’re torn between two jobs, two outfits, or two lovers, ask your mom. Mother knows best. Always.