Earth, Known Universe. Humanity’s world was rocked today when God went on the record to say He answers women’s prayers at a rate of only 77% when compared to men’s.
Lawyer and mother, Marjorie Samuels, 34, of Pensacola, Florida, stumbled upon this earth-shattering statistic this past Tuesday evening, a school night. She was eavesdropping on her seven-year-old daughter’s nightly prayer for a pony when she heard a man’s voice say, “Never gonna happen, Deirdre.”
Ms. Samuels rushed into the room and found God perched on the side of her daughter’s bed, and before he could disappear into the alleged ether, she took the opportunity to cross-examine the Almighty. Under pressure, He admitted that He answered Deirdre’s male classmates’ prayers about 23% more often than her female classmates’. Further, God admitted to Ms. Samuels that this ratio extended to the adult population as well.
The news shocked many across the world, from devout Catholics to averred atheists. But there were some women who were not surprised.
We interviewed Sister Francis Dolan, professor of ethics at Fordham University in New York, who said, “I kinda suspected,” as two Jesuit priests high-fived behind her.
Ann Clarkson, spokesperson from the National Organization of Women, said: “Finally, the truth has come out. And it’s what we’ve been saying all along.”
Meanwhile, Conservatives such as popular misogynist preacher the Reverend Dale Edmonds, were quick to comment: “Toldja it was God’s will.”
The White House did not release a statement, but Congress reported they might bring back prayer in schools, but only for girls, in order to level the playing field as an extension of Title IX.
We caught up with God on Venice Beach, where He winters. Though only one person, He was taking up three seats at a four-top outside of a beachfront bar, and sipping a frozen margarita (mango). He had the Grace to look sheepish as we conducted our exclusive interview.
“It’s long been my practice not to let folks in on my thinking,” the Supreme Being began, “but last Tuesday, I don’t know what got into me. Deirdre was just so earnest, wearing her little knees out on the hardwood floor by her bed, praying for a pony she was never going to get. And then her mom came in. I should’ve known. Marjorie had been just as tenacious about getting a pony when she was a little girl. And she’s still tenacious. Me-dammit, she was like a dog with a bone. Women lawyers, amirite?”
But why? The world wanted to know. Why does He answer men’s prayers more often and, presumably, more thoroughly than women’s? Were the things women prayed for more unlikely: peace, ponies, and perfect love, as compared to a plea for the local sports team to win that night’s game?
God shook his head slightly, affecting His well-known reticence and sense of mystery.
Could it be God was just a misogynist?
“I don’t know, am I? Put it this way…” God held up three divine digits. “Menstruation. Childbirth. Spanx. You do the math.”
And then God disappeared. Though on our way out, we saw he was just sitting behind us at the bar.
This original piece by E.R. Catalano was written exclusively for In the Powder Room, a division of Hold My Purse Productions, LLC. Featured photo © Gelpi via depositphotos.com. Clouds photo courtesy of wikiphoto.