Image credit © Jeff Schear
This is the time of year when everyone publishes holiday gift guides with super practical items like a $345,000 Celebrity Robot Avatar from Hammacher Schlemmer to a $150, 15-pound loaf of bread from Oprah’s Favorite Things.
Gwyneth Paltrow, actress, queen of condescension and creator of GOOP—“an eminent lifestyle publication”—got in on the act with her own GOOP Gift Guide for 2014. I realize that I might not be the target audience, seeing as I save 20 minutes on my beauty routine by not having a beauty routine, but I am in the publication’s demographic.
I am also an editor and decided to rewrite some of the captions they included in the guide to appeal to the more practical anti-GOOPer out there.
Smythson Currency Case
Caption: So slick you won’t want to put it away when you return.
What it should say: You’ll spend so much on a “vacation clutch” that you won’t be able to afford the vacation.
The Row Rina Fringed Cashmere Cape
Caption: A totally chic, wearable blanket.
What it should say: A glorified Snuggie that will end up covered in hummus and crumbs with the fringe falling down in the toilet.
Site Corot Palais des Tuileries Plate
Caption: For wanderlust meals.
What it should say: It’s a plate. You will be paranoid to eat off of it or break it, so it will sit in the cupboard while you continue to eat off the same two plates every day.
Travel Backgammon Set
Caption: Hours of entertainment in a slick little case.
What it should say: You won’t be able to afford traveling after this purchase, so have fun losing the chips and dice in your couch the first and only time that you play it. It’s backgammon. Buy a Scrabble board.
Easy Health Angel Juicer Gold
Caption: Absurd, but awesome.
What it should say: Gold jewelry for your kitchen that will cost more green than it will ever juice.
Oswald Haerdtl Candy Dishes
Caption: These kind of turn your basic candy corn into something else entirely.
What it should say: Because plastic-tasting candy that costs $1/bag needs a bowl created for the “Exposition des Arts Decoratifs” in Paris in 1925.
Loewe Shopper Bag
Caption: We wear ours with one of Loewe’s long tassles.
What it should say: Seems kind of steep to bring an expensive bag to a home improvement store. Wait, what? You didn’t mean Lowe’s?
Cashmere Throw Blanket
Caption: It’s really hard to go wrong with a cashmere throw blanket.
What it should say: It’s really hard to go right spending $995 on a blanket that will end up in a ball on the couch, covered in pet hair and various remnants of snacks.
Caption: You’ll be thrilled to keep this kit intact.
What it should say: Containing items like handwarmers, a hip flask and chocolate, this kit will last approximately 1.3 days.
Boden Sequin Shorts
Caption: Everyone needs a pair of sequin shorts.
What it should say: No, no they don’t.