GOOP Gift Guide

Gwyneth Made a Holiday Gift Guide and It’s Even Worse Than We Expected

Image credit © Jeff Schear

 

This is the time of year when everyone publishes holiday gift guides with super practical items like a $345,000 Celebrity Robot Avatar from Hammacher Schlemmer to a $150, 15-pound loaf of bread from Oprah’s Favorite Things.

Gwyneth Paltrow, actress, queen of condescension and creator of GOOP—“an eminent lifestyle publication”—got in on the act with her own GOOP Gift Guide for 2014. I realize that I might not be the target audience, seeing as I save 20 minutes on my beauty routine by not having a beauty routine, but I am in the publication’s demographic.

I am also an editor and decided to rewrite some of the captions they included in the guide to appeal to the more practical anti-GOOPer out there.

Happy Shopping!

Smythson Currency Case
$285
Caption: So slick you won’t want to put it away when you return.
What it should say: You’ll spend so much on a “vacation clutch” that you won’t be able to afford the vacation.

The Row Rina Fringed Cashmere Cape
$3,190
Caption: A totally chic, wearable blanket.
What it should say: A glorified Snuggie that will end up covered in hummus and crumbs with the fringe falling down in the toilet.

Site Corot Palais des Tuileries Plate
$75
Caption: For wanderlust meals.
What it should say: It’s a plate. You will be paranoid to eat off of it or break it, so it will sit in the cupboard while you continue to eat off the same two plates every day.

Travel Backgammon Set
$550
Caption: Hours of entertainment in a slick little case.
What it should say: You won’t be able to afford traveling after this purchase, so have fun losing the chips and dice in your couch the first and only time that you play it. It’s backgammon. Buy a Scrabble board.

Easy Health Angel Juicer Gold
$4,739
Caption: Absurd, but awesome.
What it should say: Gold jewelry for your kitchen that will cost more green than it will ever juice.

Oswald Haerdtl Candy Dishes
$314-$432
Caption: These kind of turn your basic candy corn into something else entirely.
What it should say: Because plastic-tasting candy that costs $1/bag needs a bowl created for the “Exposition des Arts Decoratifs” in Paris in 1925.

Loewe Shopper Bag
$1,395
Caption: We wear ours with one of Loewe’s long tassles.
What it should say: Seems kind of steep to bring an expensive bag to a home improvement store. Wait, what? You didn’t mean Lowe’s?

Cashmere Throw Blanket
$995
Caption: It’s really hard to go wrong with a cashmere throw blanket.
What it should say: It’s really hard to go right spending $995 on a blanket that will end up in a ball on the couch, covered in pet hair and various remnants of snacks.

Earthquake Kit
$345
Caption: You’ll be thrilled to keep this kit intact.
What it should say: Containing items like handwarmers, a hip flask and chocolate, this kit will last approximately 1.3 days.

Boden Sequin Shorts
$54
Caption: Everyone needs a pair of sequin shorts.
What it should say: No, no they don’t.

 

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Abby is a freelance writer, editor and award-winning blogger at AbbyHasIssues.com. Her work has been featured multiple times on The Huffington Post, Scary Mommy, YourTango, Thought Catalog, Bustle, XO Jane, In the Powder Room and Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop among others, and has self-published two books of her humor essays available on Amazon. When not online, she can be found eating green things from the ground and running mental marathons in yoga pants. You can also find her in the pages of our bestselling humor anthology, “You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth.”

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  1. says

    I try not to hate on celebs if possible, but GP just invites it with the supreme BS that come out of her mouth and apparently into her holiday guide. Let’s just remember, acting is a much harder job than being a stay at home mom, so perhaps she is at a loss for what to do with all that hard earned cash and needs to spend it on sequined shorts.

    • says

      Completely agree! For the most part I couldn’t care less what celebrities do, but I maintain my favorite Gwyneth role was when her head ended up in the box in “Seven.”

  2. says

    I’ve always been kind of confused by these lists, but they truly show how out of touch the rich and famous are with regular people. I mean who is going to hand out $3,000 gifts? Come on!

  3. says

    I’m dying over here. I want Abby to rewrite the captions for all of the gift guides everywhere. I can’t pick a favorite, but “A glorified Snuggie that will end up covered in hummus and crumbs with the fringe falling down in the toilet.” and “Wait, what? You didn’t mean Lowe’s?” both made me spit out my drink.

  4. Kaly says

    I love GP, always have, always will. She might be out of touch but at least she owns it.

    But I also love a good GP spoof. She was really throwing the average gal a bone with the Boden shorts at $54. My family can spend $54 at Chipotle.

    • says

      Exactly. To each their own. I think most celebrities are completely out of touch with reality, but sometimes she really seems to miss the mark. The difference is when she does it, the whole world knows. When I do it, the cashier at the grocery store points out I have avocado in my hair. 😉

  5. says

    That juicer makes me re-think my priorities…and my juice. Maybe I’ve been underachieving, selling myself short, underestimating my own worth…Maybe I DO deserve juice from a melted down Oscar.

  6. says

    I, for one, DO need a pair of sequined shorts to wear out to the clubs after my movie shoot. Unlike the gracious & nobel Susan, I try to hate on celebs wherever possible. (Actually, I usually don’t pay attention, but if they are gonna act stupid I will hate.) And GP is the worst of the worst. But people with mad money need 24K juicers and $130,000 handbags I suppose.

  7. says

    Love it! I’m always a little put off when I browse a fancy shmancy catalog and they have some small little cutsie items they categorize as stocking stuffers. Usually at a minimum of $50-$100 a pop, that would be the present, while the cheap candy shit can go in the stocking, thank you. :)

  8. dave says

    When working in a Large Grocery store chain, I met several of the NY/CT based celebrities and none of them seemed to be anywhere near the special type of crazy that is Gwyneth Paltrow. I have seen nice ones and rude ones, smart ones and clueless ones and normal ones and crazy ones, but Paltrow proves time and again that she is the Michael Jackson kind of crazy for this generation. This list is just the latest example as nothing on it is even remotely useful for anyone from ditch diggers to multi-million dollar entertainers/CEOs!

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