Welcome to our second installment of “Mother Rose Best,” our own unique weekly recap of The Bachelor, with bonus parenting advice mined from the rose (and possibly cabbage) scented rubble…
Episode Two kicked off with a gratuitous shot of Ben yanking fresh-from-the-dryer jeans over a pair of bright blue nut-huggers that Juan Pablo must have left behind. Meanwhile, the ladies day-drank in their yoga pants and feigned confidence by spewing advice and false pleasantries.
Lace, apparently worried about her first impression, swore the Lace that 7.5 million viewers wanted to drop a house on last week wasn’t “the real Lace.” And SHE WOULD PROVE THAT TO BEN!
The first group date was to Ben’s happy place—high school—where ten girls competed in brain-bursting competitions like finding Indiana on a map and “making Ben’s volcano erupt.” We suffered through a one-on-one date with Caila that was more painful than the eleven minutes between my first contraction and getting shanked in the back by an anesthesiologist. These two will totally end up together.
The second group date yielded two interesting discoveries: that Sam’s lady parts smell like food-court Chinese food, and that Lace is not alone on Planet Bitches-Be-Crazy. Olivia called herself “Wifey,” said she wanted to kiss Ben “until his lips fall off,” and had “Mrs. Olivia Higgins” scrawled across the psych eval she forgot to turn in. She admitted to feeling “warm in her stomach… area” after closed-lip smooching with Ben. In true takes-one-to-know-one fashion, Lace yanked Olivia aside to exchange condescending advice and crazy eyes, while Ben hot-glued tiny roses to barrettes with another woman.
Contrary to what he said last week, Ben chastely kissed a handful of girls, but not Lace, who was so determined to NOT BE THE CRAZY GIRL. She gripped Ben’s hand like it was the last gin-and-tonic in Southern California, and interrupted him whenever he tried to forgive her. Each exchange further unhinged her, until she ended up speaking about herself in the third person and lamenting about her awkward childhood bangs.
Parenting lessons flowed like hot wax on labia:
1. Show, Don’t Tell. If someone tries convincing you they’re not crazy by repeatedly telling you how not crazy they are, they’re crazy.
2. Accept a Compliment. Amanda narrowly lost the Date Rose to Olivia, but in the process earned some high praise from Ben. Instead of being grateful, she focused on Ben and Olivia’s “better conversation” and ugly-cried like someone just compared her Scent of a Woman to the dumpster behind Chick-fil-A.
3. Control Your Destiny. If your boyfriend is talking to one of his nineteen other girlfriends instead of you, get your spray-tanned ass cheeks off the couch and talk to him.
4. Know when to STFU. We get it, Olivia. Ben likes you, he’s your husband, you’re not here to make friends. But the villain never gets the final rose. Unless you’re Courtney. Or Vienna. Or—okay, whatever.
5. Lay off the Hooch. If it’s hard to “talk to someone,” check if the drink you’re holding contains alcohol. Are you shitfaced again? Maybe that’s why.
6. Never, Ever Let ‘em See Your Spanx. “If you got ‘em, flaunt ‘em” does not apply to shapewear.
Thanks again, ladies. This parenting thing really does take a village idiot.