Because you can pretty much tell everything you need to know about a guy by what he names his chicksicle.
To quote Shakespeare, “What’s in a name?”
Well, a lot, actually. (No disrespect, Will.)
You see, although it is true “that which we call a rose, By any other name would smell as sweet;” I would argue that we’re much more likely to stick our noses into a Rose, Lily, or Daisy, than an Eastern Skunk Cabbage or a Corpse Flower. See where I’m going here?
Names are important. I don’t mean your own name; unless you go the Cher route, you don’t have any control over what your parents name you. But the name YOU give people and things tells the world pretty much everything we need to know about you. Apple, Jermajesty, Blanket, Pilot Inspektor, and Kal-El? Sorry, but your parents are assholes, m’kay?
In the same vein (heh heh heh), the moniker a man gives his penis is the ultimate personality test.
You’ve heard of nicknaming? Welcome to the world of dicknaming.
Not surprisingly, this trend appears to be more common among celebrities, bless their hearts. Some of the more famous dicknames I was able to uncover are:
- Hugh Jackman’s John Thomas, “Old James Roger” (That’s a mouthful!) (That’s what she said.)
- Sir Tom Jones’ magic mic, “Wendell;”
- Owen Wilson’s baloney pony, “The Butterscotch Stallion;”
- Macaulay Culkin’s albino cave dweller, “Floyd;”
- and Rainn Wilson’s deep-v-diver, “The Fail Whale.”
Why do some men bother to name their one-eyed trouser snakes? Is it like a pet? Will it come when it’s called? If you’re in the military, will your “Li’l Sarge” stand at attention on command?
I did some very selective crowd sourcing on this topic and my husband of 17 years claims he does not have a pet name for his disco stick. My brother, who I can always count on for a joke that will send me scrambling for the Urban Dictionary vehemently agreed with my husband, “A normal guy doesn’t name his meat wrench.”
(I’m thinking a normal guy probably wouldn’t call his purple-helmeted Spartan of love a “meat wrench,” but that might just be me. Also, in full disclosure, my comically lopsided breasts, “Marcia and Jan,” say hello.)
The whole idea got me thinking . . .
Everyone I know who has tried online dating bemoans how challenging it is to wade through the creeps and find decent guys. I bet if Match.com required men to reveal the pet name they’ve given their gristle missile, women would be spared tons of time and effort trying to figure out if he’s remotely datable.
For instance, if size matters, simply steer clear of men who name their one-eyed-wonder-weasels:
- Wee Willy Winky
- Tiny Tim
Likewise, unless you’ve vaginally delivered a litter of oxen, be leery of any man who christens his love truncheon:
- Thor’s Hammer
- The Titanic
Need a man with staying power? Be wary of dudes with shama-lama-ding-dongs named:
- Usain Bolt
- Richard Petty
If you’re worried about personal safety, definitely get a background check on any man who refers to his mutton dagger as:
- Vlad the Impaler
- Son of Sam
And finally, if personal hygiene is at the top of your list, avoid men who name their yogurt slinger any of the following:
- Pig Pen
- Stinky Pete