His Bologna Has a First Name In the Powder Room2

His Bologna Has a First Name

Because you can pretty much tell everything you need to know about a guy by what he names his chicksicle.

 

To quote Shakespeare, “What’s in a name?”

Well, a lot, actually. (No disrespect, Will.)

You see, although it is true “that which we call a rose, 
By any other name would smell as sweet;” I would argue that we’re much more likely to stick our noses into a Rose, Lily, or Daisy, than an Eastern Skunk Cabbage or a Corpse Flower. See where I’m going here?

Names are important. I don’t mean your own name; unless you go the Cher route, you don’t have any control over what your parents name you. But the name YOU give people and things tells the world pretty much everything we need to know about you. Apple, Jermajesty, Blanket, Pilot Inspektor, and Kal-El? Sorry, but your parents are assholes, m’kay?

In the same vein (heh heh heh), the moniker a man gives his penis is the ultimate personality test.

You’ve heard of nicknaming? Welcome to the world of dicknaming.

Not surprisingly, this trend appears to be more common among celebrities, bless their hearts. Some of the more famous dicknames I was able to uncover are:

  • Hugh Jackman’s John Thomas, “Old James Roger” (That’s a mouthful!) (That’s what she said.)
  • Sir Tom Jones’ magic mic, “Wendell;”
  • Owen Wilson’s baloney pony, “The Butterscotch Stallion;”
  • Macaulay Culkin’s albino cave dweller, “Floyd;”
  • and Rainn Wilson’s deep-v-diver, “The Fail Whale.”

Why do some men bother to name their one-eyed trouser snakes? Is it like a pet? Will it come when it’s called? If you’re in the military, will your “Li’l Sarge” stand at attention on command?

I did some very selective crowd sourcing on this topic and my husband of 17 years claims he does not have a pet name for his disco stick. My brother, who I can always count on for a joke that will send me scrambling for the Urban Dictionary vehemently agreed with my husband, “A normal guy doesn’t name his meat wrench.”

(I’m thinking a normal guy probably wouldn’t call his purple-helmeted Spartan of love a “meat wrench,” but that might just be me. Also, in full disclosure, my comically lopsided breasts, “Marcia and Jan,” say hello.)

The whole idea got me thinking . . .

Everyone I know who has tried online dating bemoans how challenging it is to wade through the creeps and find decent guys. I bet if Match.com required men to reveal the pet name they’ve given their gristle missile, women would be spared tons of time and effort trying to figure out if he’s remotely datable.

For instance, if size matters, simply steer clear of men who name their one-eyed-wonder-weasels:

  • Napoleon
  • Wee Willy Winky
  • Tiny Tim

Likewise, unless you’ve vaginally delivered a litter of oxen, be leery of any man who christens his love truncheon:

  • Thor’s Hammer
  • The Titanic
  • Giganotosaurus

Need a man with staying power? Be wary of dudes with shama-lama-ding-dongs named:

  • Snappy
  • Usain Bolt
  • Richard Petty

If you’re worried about personal safety, definitely get a background check on any man who refers to his mutton dagger as:

  • Vlad the Impaler
  • Crusher
  • Son of Sam

And finally, if personal hygiene is at the top of your list, avoid men who name their yogurt slinger any of the following:

  • Pig Pen
  • Sasquatch
  • Stinky Pete

 

This original piece by Leslie Marinelli was written exclusively for In the Powder Rooma division of Hold My Purse Productions, LLC.

 

For a good time, connect with us on Facebook and Twitter.

Leslie Marinelli is a writer, wife, mother of three, toilet humor aficionada, and transplanted Pittsburgher trapped in the suburbs of Atlanta. She’s the CEO and Editor-in-Chief of In the Powder Room, the creative force behind the award-winning tell-all mom blog, The Bearded Iris, and the editor and co-author of In the Powder Room’s hilarious bestselling anthology, “You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth.”

Keep the conversation going...

comments

Comments

  1. says

    Oh, for the love of God, that was funny!! I applaud the word choices – who knew there were so many clever synonyms for the word dick? And what happened to the good ol’ fashion Danny Jr. or Mikey Jr. ? Excuse me, I have to make a phone call to my husband and ask him a quick question.

  2. Lisa Hewitt says

    Daaauuummmm. I’m going to play with this all day. hehe. You should wash your brain out, but don’t.

  3. Sue Salisbury says

    I have to say I like your names the best… that was hysterical. I am officially naming my husbands tonight!

  4. says

    This was too funny. I just asked my husband and he claims (as he giggled) he never named his “peen.” Although, I have used some choice words throughout the years.

  5. Angela says

    I’m sitting out on the deck enjoying a lovely evening reading your blog. It goes without saying that the hilarity cannot be contained. My husband is quite perturbed by my constant bursts of laughter with every new moniker I read. He asks what is so funny. I tell him. He is unimpressed and says guys don’t do that. Uh huh. Right. By the way, his was named Lou. Don’t ask me why. Long live Peen Week!

  6. says

    I’m dying over Vlad the Impaler!!! I love history and I never even saw that one coming. Oooh that’s what she said!!! Ok, not as good as yours, but it’s still early. I’m still warming up. This was hysterical.

  7. Holly S says

    Just discovered your website and downloaded your book to my Kindle, can’t wait for summer relaxing (and hilarious) reading on the patio and by the pool. By the way, my awesome man Jim calls his peen the “man-handle” and refers to my vagina in sexy texts as his “honey-hole” and I like it! Keep up the great work! Oh, and by the way, he’s named my larger boob on the left side “fat man” and the Jan Brady boob on the right “little boy”. Although they both get the same amount of attention, ha ha.

Trackbacks

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *