So you just had a baby? Congratulations!
As you’ve probably already discovered, babies change everything—from the size of your boobs (“So this is what it’s like to actually fill a bra!”) to your sleeping habits. (Oops. That was a typo. “Habit” refers to something you do on a regular basis.)
RELATED: Ode to My Milk Boobs
If you’re like me, chances are that having a baby will also alter the way you manage your home. Below, you’ll find a description of how you can expect some common household chores to change once you’ve brought home your little bundle of poop joy.
Before Baby: You were always on the lookout for new, exotic recipes to try, and you made daily trips to the grocery store so you’d have fresh ingredients to work with each night.
After Baby: The kid sucks on your boob while you shove Cosmic Brownies in your mouth during reruns of Ellen. Dad can eat whatever the hell hasn’t molded over in that landfill once known as your refrigerator.
Before Baby: Whites, colors, and towels.
After Baby: Baby shit-covered, baby puke-covered, and . . . nope, that’s it.
Before Baby: If a hard surface failed The Finger Test—you know, when you swipe a finger across to see if it leaves a visible trail in the dust?—you got out the Swiffer Dusters.
After Baby: If something is looking particularly dusty, instead of The Finger Test, it just gets The Finger. Fuck moving a bunch of unsolicited, cutesy knick-knacks just so you can dust the shelf in the nursery. Fuck Swiffer. Fuck it all. If you have time to dust, you have time to sleep. Which sounds more appealing?
Before Baby: After meals, you gave your dishes a quick rinse in the sink and then loaded everything in the dishwasher.
After Baby: You wipe down your nipples every once in a while, and lick the cheese powder from your fingers after polishing off a bag of Cheetos. Dishes? What dishes?
(Unless you are primarily bottle-feeding, or doing a nursing/pumping/bottle-feeding combo. In which case—dishes. All damn day, every damn day.)
Before Baby: Whenever the kitchen floor started looking a little grimy, you whipped out the ol’ mop and bucket.
After Baby: You put the baby into a damp onesie, then let him do “Tummy Time” in the kitchen.
Before Baby: You vacuumed the entire house at least once a week, and when Fido’s fur got really out of control, you’d use the pet hair attachment on the furniture.
After Baby: Never happens. By the time you’ve cleared the floor of stray binkies, burp cloths, rattles, etc., you’re completely spent, and fall asleep while unwinding the vacuum cord.
And then you wake up to the baby’s screams twelve seconds later.
Vacuuming the Curtains
Before Baby: This is a thing? Seriously, I just Googled “common household chores,” and this is one of the things that popped up. WTF? Who vacuums their curtains?
After Baby: WTF? Who vacuums their curtains?
Taking Out the Trash
Before Baby: Whenever the can was full.
After Baby: Every fucking time the baby poops—i.e., every fucking three-and-a-half minutes. Because those stink-bomb diapers make your fucking house smell like a fucking porta-potty outside of a fucking taco convention. And you can’t fucking stand it.
Cleaning the Tub/Shower
Before Baby: Maybe once a month, you’d give the tub a good bleach job and use some Drano in the shower.
After Baby: If you can actually manage to get in the shower, the sudsy water that pools in your new belly pooch and subsequently drips onto the tub should suffice.
Watering the Plants
Before Baby: Once or twice a week in order to keep them alive.
After Baby: AS IF. You’ll be lucky if you manage to keep the kid alive.
Shampooing the Carpets
Before Baby: Let’s be real. How often did you really shampoo the carpets before giving birth?
After Baby: And you sure as fuck aren’t going to start now. You don’t even have time to shampoo your hair.
Before Baby: When clothes were wrinkled.
After Baby: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. You’re a mom now. Get used to wrinkles. And not just of the clothing variety.
Like certain parts of your post-partum body, priorities definitely shift when you bring home a baby. If you’re a total neat freak, and finances permit, you may want to consider paying for a cleaning service.
Or a tubal ligation.