A few months back my sister asked me to do a juice cleanse with her and my mom.
“It’s only 3 days long,” she said. Might as well be a lifetime.
I groaned, I whined, but in the end, I reluctantly caved.
The first step was to shop. Here was our list:
- green vegetables: all of them that have ever existed, ever
- some apples and lemons to make it seem casual
- a vegetable that made my colon audibly whimper
- a vegetable I was 99.9% sure did not contain any juice
- six Nalgene bottles
- a candy bar to rub against my face when I was regretting this decision (which they didn’t let me get).
When we unloaded our groceries at home, our refrigerator looked like the doorway to vegan Narnia.
The days unfolded as follows:
Day 1 (Thursday)
I awoke like I do every morning: overwhelmingly hungry and excited for my bowl of cereal. When I walked into the kitchen however, the lingering smell of liquefied celery torsos reminded me of the handcuffs on my diet. I touched the pantry, trying to absorb the processed sugar, and then headed off to work, accessorized with 64 ounces of slime.
Day 2 (Friday)
For most of the day I assumed my only issue with the juice would be the chunk of cilantro that remained stuck in my throat, however I was unaware of the trauma the evening would bring. Quick tip to anyone considering a juice cleanse at any point in her life: double check your schedule before starting. Do not, I repeat do NOT decide to start a juice cleanse when you have Friday night Dodger tickets. You will spend the entire game watching people eat hot dogs and churros and pizza and malts and nachos and everything else that you could ever imagine outside the world of vegetables. You will hate yourself for choosing such an agonizing path and you will spend most of the game visualizing what it would be like to juice live humans.
Day 3 (Saturday)
While slightly suffering from PDGHD (Post Dodger Game Hunger Disorder) I woke up feeling really good. Aside from the obvious downfall of the juice not being a burrito, it had surprisingly managed to keep me both satiated and energized while simultaneously making me feel lighter, cleaner even. To put it simply, my body felt totally and completely refreshed: the slime worked!
Also, all dead carrot jokes aside, the juice wasn’t actually that bad. Unlike my original expectations, the juice did not taste like garden farts. It was definitely juice-ish. It tasted healthy and earthy, but without the anticipated hints of dirt.
My sister was originally drawn to the specific cleanse because of the digestion aid it advertised for her, but after completing it, I’d recommend it to anyone that’s looking to reboot their system. Look around and find one that’s right for you. Yes, it will be tough, yes you will miss carbs, but just find one and celery stick to it. (I smell a bumper sticker in the making.)
- Don’t be alarmed by how much you pee. It will be a lot.
- Don’t let your dad convince you to go hiking before you visit your Grandpa. Not only will your body be fatigued, reminding you with each step that you have in fact only consumed slime, but you will also, as mentioned in tip 1, have to pee most of the time.
- Don’t forget to check your schedule before starting.
- Don’t quit before it’s over. The end result is worth the struggle.
If you’re interested in trying the cleanse I did, you can find it here.
A longer version of this piece first appeared on Kimberlee’s blog and is reprinted with permission In the Powder Room, a division of Hold My Purse Productions, LLC. Featured image © depositphotos.com/Jaykayl.
Pssst… we have a whole Pinterest board dedicated to Health & Fitness
(and the funny side of health and fitness!)