1. What was the date of your last menstrual cycle?
A) March 16th, 2:36:04 p.m.
B) Probably during your last romantic weekend away, because of course.
C) Shit, you don’t remember… is your NuvaRing still in?
2. When did you first know you were pregnant?
A) The exact moment of implantation.
B) At around six weeks, when you barfed during a Coldplay concert.
C) After you gave birth on the toilet at a rest stop Dunkin’ Donuts.
3. What is that weird red mark on your arm?
A) WebMD seems to think it’s a strand of viral smallpox.
B) Red Sharpie from when you fell asleep on the couch and your kid drew a “poopie” on you.
C) Probably Bloody Mary mix.
4. When you undress at night, what do you notice?
A) The clogged pore near your belly button is one-third of a millimeter bigger than it was when you woke up.
B) Your stretch marks kind of resemble a road map of upstate New York.
C) Is that a stab wound? That’s weird; you don’t remember getting stabbed today.
5. Quick, without looking: what color is your t-shirt?
A) That’s a trick question. You’re wearing an evening gown. It’s not Casual Friday, Neanderthal.
B) Pink, with a splurt of salad dressing on it.
C) Blue… no, red! Gaaaaah! Green? Wait, you’re not even wearing a shirt.
6. When you feel a pain in your arm, you:
A) Try to convince the X-ray technician that it’s a hairline fracture, NOT a bone discoloration.
B) Pop your shoulder back into the socket and keep goin’.
C) Use your other arm.
7. When someone asks you where your G-spot is located:
A) You pull out a diagram, complete with color-coded legend… for your pleasure.
B) You blush and ask: “Why do you want to know?”
C) “The corner of 5th and Oak Street.”
8. That rumbly in your tumbly means:
A) The kale smoothie you drank wasn’t properly pH-balanced.
B) It’s almost 3 p.m., and you haven’t eaten since lunch.
C) “You might want to wait for the next elevator.”
9. What are you allergic to?
A) Shellfish, gluten, and twice-processed complex sugars.
B) A combo of margaritas and German food.
C) All this time you thought your epi-pen was for the dry-erase board!
10. How much sleep do you need to function?
A) More sleep than a hibernating grizzly. You don’t take calls after 8 p.m.
B) At least six hours, or no operating heavy machinery for you!
C) Define “function”–you binge-watched Real Impalas of the Serengeti all night, but that big work presentation isn’t going to write itself.
11. How do you avoid getting sick?
A) You wear a HAZMAT suit when entering your child’s daycare.
B) A power regime of Airborne, vitamin C, and not leaving the house during January.
C) Wine before beer, you’re in the clear.
Mostly A’s: You know your body so well you finish each other’s sentences. But maybe giving your body some space to breathe would help you relax. Also, kale smoothies are gross.
Mostly B’s: You have a healthy understanding of your own body, and are completely aware of how it’s slowly transforming into a hot, hot mess.
Mostly C’s: Seriously, how are you still alive? Someday you are going to wake up in an ice bath with your kidneys harvested, and you will not even notice.