In Defense of Flat Butts via In the Powder Room

In Defense of Flat Butts

This baby ain’t got back. There is very little junk in my trunk. I can’t really twerk it, or work it, or do whatever it is you do with a big ol’ booty. When I was younger, and cared more about such things, I felt self-conscious about it. I’m pretty sure there was a time when I considered buying a pair of those horrifying padded panties, just to see how I’d look with lovely lady lumps filling out the back of my jeans. I never did, though. I do have my limits.

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From the early, awful days of my adolescence, I’ve understood that our society celebrates big butts. And if you’re a girl with a great big bottom, well that’s great. I truly hope you feel good about it, just like I hope all women feel good about whatever shape their bodies take. It’s fine with me that Kim Kardashian can take down the Internet with her sizable backside if she feels like it. Hooray for healthy booties.

Now that I’m an adult, I’ve pretty much accepted my butt for the slacker that it is. I understand that we are genetically destined for certain body types, and if you were to line up my ancestors and look at them all from behind, you’d see a row of droopy drawers going all the way back to the Mayflower. No matter what I do, my butt is never going to blossom. And, really, I’m okay with it.

But here’s the thing . . .

Recently, some study has come out saying that large-bottomed women have smarter babies.

I just, um, what?!?

The theory (as far as I understand it) is that the fat that’s stored in the lower half of a woman’s body is the fat that’s used in breast milk (it’s science, I guess—I don’t totally get how this works) and the more of this Omega-3-rich fat that a woman has in her lower body, the more brain-building power her breast milk will contain.

So now (if this study is to be believed), not only is my underachieving backside un-sexy, it’s also making my children dumb. Little North West? Genius. My kids? Paste-eaters.

We have to stop this nonsense. I mean, come on. Some of the smartest people I know have mothers with not much to speak of filling out their mom-jeans. Who thought it was a good idea to study the correlation of ass-size to brainpower, anyway?

Why can’t we just be thrilled that plenty of women, of all body types, are able to use their bodies to feed their children?

Why must we find yet another way to make women feel that their bodies aren’t good enough? Must we add fuel to the fire of mom-guilt by suggesting that a child’s Ivy League chances are attached to the size of her mom’s butt?!?

It’s hard enough to be a mother today, so I say let’s celebrate all the various shapes and sizes that women’s bodies take. Hooray for broad shoulders! Hooray for chubby knees! Hooray for tiny boobs, enormous boobs, thigh gaps and thunder thighs! Hooray for the weird flappy pouch that your stomach turns into after you’ve had a baby! These things have absolutely nothing to do with anyone’s intelligence, or beauty, or talents. You can be a good mother, and raise fabulously smart kids, even if you have a flat butt. I promise.


Featured image credit: “Mom Jeans” via Saturday Night Live/NBC.  
This original piece by Kate Parlin was written exclusively for In the Powder Rooma division of Hold My Purse Productions, LLC. 

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Kate Parlin is a writer and mom of three girls, two of whom are twins. She is a former high school English teacher who now uses her love of words to chronicle her parenting adventures—the funny, the frustrating, and the infuriating—at her blog, Shakespeare’s Mom. Her writing has been featured online at The Huffington Post, Scary Mommy and Redbook, and in print in Pregnancy and Newborn Magazine and the Australian publication, Peninsula Kids. She lives in Maine with her husband, their gaggle of girls, and two ridiculous dogs. Connect with her on Facebook and Twitter (@ShakespearesMom).

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  1. says

    I, too, am lacking in the derriere region. No children as of yet, but thank god right? Don’t need a bunch of dummies running around as a result of my NoAssAtAll Syndrome. Seriously, what a crock. Loved your article, though. Too funny.

    • says

      Thank you! “NoAssAtAllSyndrome” is hilarious! And yeah, I guess maybe you should reconsider any thoughts of procreating. You don’t want your kids ending up like my sorry brood!

  2. says

    If it’s fat on the lower half of the body that counts, I’m going to make the case for my belly fat having sponsored my children’s genius. Take THAT, Science!

    And you know: if Nicki Minaj ever has kids, I’mma wager mine could take hers in Trivia Crack.

  3. says

    My children are over the moon brilliant and I have the flattest backside this side of the Mississippi. Probably that side too. (Ok, I’m exaggerating on a few fronts/backs but you know what I mean). Sheesh.