Welcome to our 9th installment of “Mother Rose Best,” our own unique weekly recap of The Bachelor, with bonus parenting advice mined from the rose-scented wreckage…
Week Nine brought us overnight dates in hot, steamy Jamaica, which (like SoCal, Vegas, and anywhere with oxygen) Ben declared a “great place to fall in love.” He proved it by dropping L-bombs like tabs of acid at Burning Man.
RELATED: Last week on The Bachelor: “Putting the ‘Ho’ in Hometown”
Ben’s first date was with Caila, the manically-grinning animatronic spawned from The Joker and Kathy Bates’ character from Misery. Less “sex panther” and more “geriatric housecat,” the chemistry-less couple cruised down a river, engaging in half-assed chitchat punctuated with awkward bouts of silence.
Later, Ben questioned Caila’s lackluster demeanor, and she thought it was both FUNNY and AMAZING how he’d noticed that she hadn’t used her voice in six hours. She admitted she loved him and Ben was like, “Oh, yeah?” A student of Olivia’s “Show-Don’t-Tell School of Romantic Affirmations,” Caila took Ben’s woodpecker-esque snogs for reciprocation, and gleefully accepted his Fantasy Suite invitation.
Morning came, as did another round of unrequited avowals. Ben snarfed a croissant and left to meet Lauren, whose cutoffs were so snug she walked like a transverse unicorn was stuck in her birth canal. The couple spent the day dumping baby sea turtles into the ocean, and spent the night dancing like white people to a reggae band.
Over a foodless meal, Ben told Lauren that she was out of his league, and she reminded him that she was a reality TV show contestant vying for the affection of a reality TV show reject. She then admitted she was “totally in love,” and Ben reciprocated. In the Fantasy Suite, she promised “walls down,” meaning “diaphragm in.”
The next morning, Ben and Jojo helicoptered to a beautiful waterfall so that Ben could wash off the stink of telling another girl he loved her. They explored the depth of their relationship with ruminating conversations like:
“Jamaica is so nice.”
They jumped off a cliff causing Jojo’s micro-bikini to boldly go where Ben has never gone before. Back on land, she convinced him that her brothers were only argumentative, domineering beef-humpers when television cameras were present. Jojo then mustered the courage to profess her love, and to the surprise of everyone without an Us Weekly subscription, Ben returned the affirmation and transported her away to the Fantasy Suite.
The next day Caila ambushed Ben to show him how FUN and SURPRISING she was. Clearly delighted, Ben responded with, “What the heck?” and dumped her. Surprise, Caila!
In the most anti-climactic rose ceremony ever, Ben toasted his awesome week, while the girls flashed side-boob and side-eyes. Today’s lessons also have that sun-kissed glow of delusion:
1. Brevity is the soul of saying “I love you.” Adding a 45-minute monologue sounds like a sales pitch that should end with rust-proofing.
2. Feeling insecure about your relationship? For the love of all-inclusive beach resorts, keep your panties on!
3. If you keep telling someone they’re too good for you, they’ll start believing it.
4. If you can’t say “I feel . . .” with someone, you can’t say “I do” with them.
5. Torn between two lovers? Which family’s Thanksgiving table do you want to sit at for the next 50 years?
“The Bachelor” airs Mondays at 8|7c on ABC.