Jolie Lips Lip Plumping System - What Does HE Think by D.J. Paris In the Powder Room

Jolie Lips Plumper: What Does HE Think?

Recently, after being in a long relationship, I was forced to change my Facebook relationship status back to “Single.” While getting dumped does suck, I wasn’t going to let that stop me from finding the next Ms. Right. I mean, I took a few months off because—well, you know, all the crying and stuff. But last week, I felt I was ready to get back out there.

When it comes to dating, there are two things you should know about me:

  1. I always go in for a full make-out session on the first date; and
  2. My lips aren’t what they used to be.

Most of us are aware that vision starts to decline at forty. A lesser-known fact is that one’s lips decrease in plumpness, too. So what’s a newly single forty-year-old to do? I didn’t want to inject collagen or ass-fat into my smackers, so I needed another solution.

Lip plumper!

I had my assistant line up a few dates with the most eligible gals in town. The pressure was on! No way was I showing up to Benihana with thin, forty-year-old lizard lips! That’s when I searched online and came across the Jolie Lips™ Lip Plumper kit. It’s not officially endorsed by Angelina, but the website suggests that by using its device, I could get fuller, plumper mouth flesh.

Included in the kit are lip plumper balm and a suction device. After applying the balm, you affix the tool to your lips and give it a few pumps; I guess the pressure is supposed to bring more blood flow to the lips. It reminds me of something my grandmother used to say: “D.J., only whores wear rouge. A lady pinches.” Same principle.

Jolie Lips Lip Plumping System - What Does HE Think? by D.J. Paris In the Powder Room

This past week, I went on a first date with a social worker named Susan Jeffers (real name and occupation). On the way out the door, I slipped the Jolie Lips Plumper into my pocket. I arrived early to the restaurant, and bee-lined for the men’s room. The instructions said to pump only three or four times. Well, they’re not the boss of me, so I gave it seventeen pumps.

kind of like this but less comfortable

(kind of like this but less comfortable)

When I removed the device, the lips in the mirror would have made Kylie Jenner jealous. They were so plump and firm, even I wanted to kiss me. Every thirty minutes, I would excuse myself to the bathroom to re-pump. I told Susan I had a UTI.

RELATED: How to Still Be Hot with a Recurring UTI

At the end of the date, the bill was paid and I went in for our first kiss. Susan was uptight about tonguing in front of the busboys, so we adjourned to the parking lot. Since I’m a gentleman, I held the door for her as she climbed into the back seat of my car. As we dry-grinded to a Sade song, she whispered in my ear, “Those lips…” and “Thanks for picking up the check.”

I highly recommend the Jolie Lips Plumper. Sure, you’ll never have Angelina’s money, fame, or perfect body, but for $27.95, you can have her lips.

Jolie Lips Lip Plumper Kit - What Does HE Think by D.J. Paris In the Powder Room

This original piece by D.J. Paris was written exclusively for In the Powder Rooma division of Hold My Purse Productions, LLC. 

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D.J. Paris is a humor blogger whose website ThoughtsFromParis confuses everyone because it’s not about France. Almost 150k people follow him on Twitter which he hopes impresses you. D.J. is also the keynote speaker at BlogU’s 2016 conference, so come out and listen to him wax poetic about his favorite subject – himself. He’s excited to be published In the Powder Room because it’s about the only website he thinks is funny enough for his prose. Find him on Twitter, Facebook, and on his humor blog, which is currently #4 on Google for “dick stories.” Seriously. Look it up.

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