Recently, after being in a long relationship, I was forced to change my Facebook relationship status back to “Single.” While getting dumped does suck, I wasn’t going to let that stop me from finding the next Ms. Right. I mean, I took a few months off because—well, you know, all the crying and stuff. But last week, I felt I was ready to get back out there.
When it comes to dating, there are two things you should know about me:
- I always go in for a full make-out session on the first date; and
- My lips aren’t what they used to be.
Most of us are aware that vision starts to decline at forty. A lesser-known fact is that one’s lips decrease in plumpness, too. So what’s a newly single forty-year-old to do? I didn’t want to inject collagen or ass-fat into my smackers, so I needed another solution.
I had my assistant line up a few dates with the most eligible gals in town. The pressure was on! No way was I showing up to Benihana with thin, forty-year-old lizard lips! That’s when I searched online and came across the Jolie Lips™ Lip Plumper kit. It’s not officially endorsed by Angelina, but the website suggests that by using its device, I could get fuller, plumper mouth flesh.
Included in the kit are lip plumper balm and a suction device. After applying the balm, you affix the tool to your lips and give it a few pumps; I guess the pressure is supposed to bring more blood flow to the lips. It reminds me of something my grandmother used to say: “D.J., only whores wear rouge. A lady pinches.” Same principle.
This past week, I went on a first date with a social worker named Susan Jeffers (real name and occupation). On the way out the door, I slipped the Jolie Lips Plumper into my pocket. I arrived early to the restaurant, and bee-lined for the men’s room. The instructions said to pump only three or four times. Well, they’re not the boss of me, so I gave it seventeen pumps.
When I removed the device, the lips in the mirror would have made Kylie Jenner jealous. They were so plump and firm, even I wanted to kiss me. Every thirty minutes, I would excuse myself to the bathroom to re-pump. I told Susan I had a UTI.
At the end of the date, the bill was paid and I went in for our first kiss. Susan was uptight about tonguing in front of the busboys, so we adjourned to the parking lot. Since I’m a gentleman, I held the door for her as she climbed into the back seat of my car. As we dry-grinded to a Sade song, she whispered in my ear, “Those lips…” and “Thanks for picking up the check.”
I highly recommend the Jolie Lips Plumper. Sure, you’ll never have Angelina’s money, fame, or perfect body, but for $27.95, you can have her lips.
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