Happy Friday, slores!
I’ve never been more grateful that this column is designed to be a quick-and-dirty roundup than I am this week. There has been more Kardashian and Kanye West crap huddled around the celebrity urinal than you can shake a drained dick at, and I don’t have the strength (or the amount of booze it would take) to go over it all again.
I will toss in a PSA about how to avoid the new Yeezus album if you’d rather use a hornet’s nest as a tampon than let Kanye’s “genius” worm its way into your ear holes. Add in some Gosling eye candy courtesy of Sansa Stark and an opportunistic jailbird with no boundaries, and we have this week’s The Hollywood Sigh In the Powder Room rolled up about as neatly as 9-foot-long sleeping bag stuffed into a sandwich-sized Ziploc.
How to Avoid Kanye’s Next Album in Four Easy Steps
Step one . . . cut a hole in the box.
Just kidding. Although you could hypothetically shove Kanye West into one of those plastic cubes that escape artists use, and you’d have a knock-off dick in a box.
1. Just say “no” to downloading Waves. Or Swish. Or So Help Me God. Or whatever he’s calling it this nanosecond (and whenever the hell it’s supposed to make its grand entrance.) This may sound overly simple, but I also have a strict “No Taylor Swift” policy, and somehow “Blank Space” is two shower karaoke sessions away from being my top-played song on iTunes.
2. Skip the album roll-out/fashion show debuting Kanye’s Yeezy Season 3 clothing line, scheduled for February 11th at Madison Square Garden. It won’t be difficult. Ticketmaster had the event listed for a hot second before pulling it over “creative differences,” and no clear-cut way to purchase tickets has gone up in its stead.
3. Flip a middle finger to the livestream of the Madison Square Garden show as it pulls up to a theatre near you. Select locations will be screening the album debut in twenty-five countries. Info for show times in the U.S. will be available to those who pre-order the as-yet-untitled clusterfuck of an album.
4. Refer to #1 to see how it might make #3 difficult.
What Happens in the Cell Stays in the Cell
Real Housewives of New Jersey star Teresa Giudice was recently sprung from the clink after serving nearly a year behind bars for fraud. She published a memoir entitled Turning the Tables: From Housewife to Inmate and Back Again, and pissed off inmates at the Danbury, CT correctional facility where she served her time by including details about the “writhing” sex her cellmate had with another woman. Page Six says the inmates believe the breech of privacy is a dick move because it wouldn’t take much to identify Teresa’s cellmate.
That Time When Game of Thrones’ Sophie Turner Was All of Us
Never stop fangirling over Ryan Gosling, Sophie. NEVER. STOP.