The dead of winter is probably not the best time for us to pledge perfection, but every year, we do it anyway. People, let’s agree that this year will be different. This year, instead of just making resolutions, let’s report back to each other with our progress. I’ll start:
January 1: I will aim for nothing less than the best me, starting at the top. Literally.
- I will massage my scalp with essential oils and conditioners and other tingly things.
- I will watch YouTube videos, and learn how to recreate the “wind-swept beachy blow-out.”
- I will use my Sonicare toothbrush four times a day. I will keep a Sonicare charging station at work, and bring my brush to and fro.
- I will floss DAILY.
- I will switch from coffee to green tea.
- I will cut out sugar and gluten and meat.
- I will work out constantly. I will start the day with sun salutations, and end with Pilates. There will be running, and not just to catch the school bus—I’m signing up for a marathon this year.
February 1: Based on life, some revisions may be in order.
- I will wash my hair on days when my kids don’t remember the homework that’s due in thirty minutes and/or when the dog is not having another incident on the living room rug.
- I will try to always have enough ponytail holders, but just in case, I will keep an emergency supply because those things go walking. (I see you, tween girls.)
- I will brush my teeth morning and nights. I will commit to flossing during Fargo.
- Half-caf is a delicious option.
- I’ll indulge in the occasional roasted chicken and/or cookie. Also, I never opted out of wine.
- I will walk the dog daily. I will do a yoga class if I wear the same pair of yoga pants more than two days in row.
March 1: Due to circumstances beyond my control, more revisions are required.
- With God as my witness, I will never pay someone $300 to de-louse my daughters and me again. Even if our hair has never been so silky smooth.
- We will all wear our hair in braids until we die.
- I will only substitute cinnamon gum for a toothbrush on rare occasions, like the days we’re late for school/work/soccer/the lice lady. I will floss during the three days before my annual dental visit.
- Everything in moderation. This does not apply to the dog, who is never allowed near a taco again. After the latest incident (sorry about your yard, Mrs. Bryant, I ran out of bags!), the neighborhood has banned our walks for a month. Eh, it’s too cold anyway.
April 1: I got this!
- I signed up for the marathon!
- As for coffee . . . WE ARE DONE.
- April Fools! I love you most of all, coffee. Enough to have coffee marathons. And that’s where we’ll leave this. At least until next year.