Are your family's scrapbooks telling the whole truth about your life? Here are 10 scrapbook pages you're probably missing.

Lies and Scrapbooking

Do people still scrapbook? Or has that craze died down? I can’t think of any nearby craft stores that cater to scrapbooking aficionados, and yet there used to be one on every corner. (Although, to be fair, as a rabid non-scrapbooker, I’m not exactly looking for them.)

I bet if we gathered up all the scrapbooks created in the first few years of this millennium and put them in one enormous pile, we’d have a mountain of lies so high we’d need anti-gravity boots to stand at the top.

I’m not saying that scrapbooks are 100% bullshit.

I’m just saying they don’t tell the whole truth.

Consider just how many pages in your scrapbook are dedicated to momentous occasions such as these:

The first time your child shit his pants in public. Add a bonus page if they had diarrhea. (Let’s be realistic though, if your child shit his pants in public, it probably was due to diarrhea.) Don’t forget the glitter on this page. You can’t use too much glitter on the diarrhea page.

The perp walk. Document the fateful day that your kid decided that you saying “no” to candy at the drugstore didn’t mean they couldn’t still have those gummy bears. Did you get a picture of your child apologizing to the clerk for stealing? If so, when you create the page, cut out prison bars from construction paper to glue over the picture.

Your budding artist. Memorialize your child’s cave art by taking photos of the many walls it covers; after all, each scribble tells a story from his or her little Jackson Pollock brain. The pictures will also remind you of how hard you’ve scrubbed, how often you’ve cursed, and how many times you’ve repainted your home.

Broken shit. A “broken shit” collage can include photographs of items such as cracked furniture legs, busted television remotes, and assorted toy vehicle parts. Include pictures of holes in the wall, fire damage, water stains, and destroyed appliances.

The imaginary friend. Don’t forget to dedicate a page in your scrapbook to your kid’s creepy imaginary friend. Seriously. And don’t mess this one up, or you’ll be going through your scrapbook one day only to find that all of the pictures of you have black X’s scratched over the eyeballs.

Hormones and hate. Dedicate this page to the first time your teenager screamed at you: “You are such a BITCH!” Try using some clashing patterns on this page to make it really pop.

“Happy” holidays. A special holiday page can include the Thanksgiving when your daughter announced that she identified as Wiccan just moments after your ultra-conservative father said grace. Be sure to include the candid shot you got of Aunt Gert making the sign of the cross.

Parent/teacher conferences. Reserve this page for the time you found out your little snowflake not only hadn’t been turning in his work, but was also the one wiping boogers in all the other kids’ cubbies. This page just screams for layered stencil work, with some peek-a-boo elements.

The first time you ruin your child’s life. You will probably ruin it more than once, but there is something special about that first time. Best to go ahead and decide on a color scheme and title for this page in advance. You won’t know for sure when it will happen, but no worries, your child will let you know. Loudly. Create tension by letting pictures and cutouts bleed off the edges of the page.

The day that you never got out of your pajamas or brushed your teeth. Dinner consisted of beef stew from a can, and white bread. You spent hours on the phone with your best friend from college. Every time your husband walked by, you flipped him off behind his back, then complained to your friend about how busy you were when all you wanted to do was sit down and catch up on Mad Men. And by Mad Men you meant The Bachelorette. This is a memory you definitely want to preserve. Maybe include a picture of you and your friend from your college days. Try to not warp the picture with your tears.

My suggestion to you is to take a look at your scrapbooks and decide if they will leave an accurate picture of your lives. Or has scrapbooking gone the way of vagina steaming?

Are your family's scrapbooks telling the whole truth about your life? Here are 10 scrapbook pages you're probably missing.

This original piece by Michelle Poston Combs was written exclusively for In the Powder Rooma division of Hold My Purse Productions, LLC. Featured image © depositphotos.com/xload. 

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Michelle Poston Combs writes humorous and serious observations on life, menopause, anxiety, and marriage on her site, Rubber Shoes In Hell.

She lives in Ohio with her husband and youngest son. She stands at the precipice of empty nest syndrome which she finds both terrifying and exhilarating.

Michelle programs computers to pay the bills. She counters this soul sucking endeavor by contributing to Jen Mann’s anthology, I Still Just Want To Pee Alone, The Huffington Post, Scary Mommy, The Mid, Better After 50, BLUNTmoms, and Listen To Your Mother. Connect with her on Twitter @RageMichelle and on Facebook.

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  1. says

    So true every single word of it! I always sucked at making scrapbooks…maybe because my life was full of more moments like this that scrapbook worthy memories! Haha Loved it Michelle!

  2. Katnap says

    This is the most brilliant idea EVER! If only I’d read this 20 years ago. I swear I’m kicking myself for not coming up with this when my 3 were little. These scrapbooks would be a neverending source of joy AND blackmail. AAARRGGGGHH!!!

  3. says

    Hi M,

    Ok, wow!!!! I couldn’t possibly reference all the lines that made me laugh out loud. Truly. This is a master piece. And I am not an easy middle-age egg to crack, I can assure you.

    You make my days brighter, and my heart lighter.

    I truly love you and I am full of gratitude for all the hard work you put in to make us laugh.

    Love,

    Jill

  4. MS says

    I think this applies to Facebook pages as well. I’m so blessed….bleech. Not that I’m knocking gratitude for the good things in your life, it just seems that phrase is so often code for “Look at my perfect stuff/life.”

  5. says

    How are you so funny, all the time?? I demand to know your secret!

    The Perp Walk. hahahaha
    Can we get a picture of Mom doing that? Cause that’s more likely who it’ll be.

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