Your vagtastic vagina is not a black hole by Ellen Williams In the Powder Room

Life Lessons from a Former Gynecologist

Ladies, think long and hard before you stash strange objects in your delicate pink purse.

 

I no longer practice as a doctor, but I still have the knowledge. It was by choice that I packed away my shingle with its good pay and grueling long hours and swapped it for the yoga pants of SAHM-dom with its lousy pay and still grueling long hours. But ladies, I’m returning to my roots to deliver this little public service announcement:

There is nothing you can jam into your vagina that you don’t have a 98.7% chance of dislodging on your very own.

The items excavated from the orifices of the nether regions are the stuff of urban legends, but myths are born from truth. I’ve been roused in the middle of the night (shit like this doesn’t happen at 11 AM) to dislodge these IVOs (Identified Vaginal Objects): a battery, a light bulb, a hunk of cucumber, and a pill bottle.

Heed this advice and you will need no other: choose your IVO wisely.

There are devices made specifically to insert in the vagina. Trust me, it’s less embarrassing to hit up Amazon for a vibrator than to tell an ER intake clerk in front of the Waiting Room Legion of Contagion that you have a hunk of something lodged in your hoo-ha. Please pinky-swear promise me you will never shove bare acid-oozing batteries into your delicate flower. {Shudder.}

So you ignored the advice and now your vag cave holds a squatter. There are only 4 things you need to know:

1. You can do it! This is NOT time to go to the ER. NOT! Even after birthing bowling balls, your vagina is only 3 inches long! So close the lid on that toilet, put a foot up there, and bear down like you’re pushing. (For those of you yet to experience the disaster of birth, bear down like you haven’t had a lick of fiber in two weeks.) Then reach up there in honor of the big girl panties lying on the floor and retrieve your prize.

2. Feeling squeamish? Let’s go back to that pill bottle. Think about how hard it would be to grab that sucker with pliers. Well, a doc has to use forceps and a speculum to get that thing out because words like “violation” get thrown around when you go wrist deep into a non-pregnant vagina. It’s a matter of decorum. So go try again!

Let’s say you chose poorly and are now talking to the ER intern…

3. Buckle up! You’re in for a rousing game of spelunking for treasure. You’ll go through doctors until one is the winner. Wait, there are no winners here.

Your last chance for redemption?

4. Do not, DO NOT say you sat on it. You’re not fooling anyone, Buttercup.

You ask, “How could she give up all that glamour?” While I liked the doctoring, I did not like the life. I was blessed to be able to quit. My parting gift was a trove of war stories to entertain my friends, my readers, and random cocktail party guests. I’m a virtual ATM of advice; just don’t ask me to go vagina spelunking. Boundaries, ladies, boundaries.

Life Lessons from a Former Gynecologist (including 3 important tips that could keep you out of the ER!)

This original piece by Ellen Williams was written exclusively for In the Powder Rooma division of Hold My Purse Productions, LLC. Featured image © istock.com/sdominick.

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Ellen Williams is a writer, wife, mother of two adolescent girls, Christian, and the proud owner of an M.D. she uses to help her friends and family, but draws the line at earning money with it. She and Erin Dymowski are the dynamic creative duo behind Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms where they prove that funny and sensible are not mutually exclusive. Ellen firmly believes in the power of duct tape, kisses, and Google searches to fix most things. You can find her in the pages of our bestselling humor anthology, “You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth.”

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  1. says

    Ellen – you complete me. It’s a good thing we aren’t neighbors or I would constantly be knocking on your door to hear more war stories from your days as a vaginal spelunker. FASCINATING!!!

  2. says

    Excellent tip that there is a 98.7% chance of being able to dislodge any items yourself. Those are better odds than me figuring out what to make for dinner tonight.

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