FINALLY some real beauty advice (and specific product recommendations) for busy moms who want to look a little less haggard and hopeless!

Makeup Hacks for Moms

Abby: Welcome to Woman in the Morning! I’m your host, Abby Byrd. Today in the studio we have renowned makeup artist Lila LaFleur, who’s here to share with us some of the best makeup hacks in the business. Welcome, Lila.

Lila: Thanks, Abby!

Abby: Let’s dive right in. Could you tell us the most common problem your clients are looking to fix?

Lila: Sure, Abby. One complaint I hear time and time again is—can you guess it?—under-eye circles. I mean, nothing says “tired mom” like that puffiness and those big dark rings.

Abby: What do you recommend for dark circles?

Lila: If you have a problem with dark circles—and no offense, but you definitely do, Abby—use an under-eye concealer with a peach cast to offset the purple. The goal is to make sure no one can tell that your three-year-old just punched you in the ass cheek and you were too tired to do anything about it.

Abby: I guess that the concealer could even be used on your ass bruise, right, Lila?

Lila: Absolutely. I love products that multitask. Now, after the concealer, a sleep-deprived woman should smooth on some tinted moisturizer for a fresh, dewy look. This moisturizer here is my favorite—it’s great over under-eye concealer, or just by itself. You can apply it right after you spend an hour in front of the bathroom mirror, plucking chin hairs while crying and wondering where the years went.

Abby: I do that at least once a week.

Lila: Right? Now, how do you feel about your eyebrows, Abby? I’m looking for neat little arches, but what I see is two flat, hairy caterpillars approaching one another to mate, wouldn’t you say?

Abby: Yeah, I guess they’re… more like the caterpillars.

Lila: Okay, then I have a trick for you. What you need to do is create the illusion of a higher arch. To do this, take a pink brow-lifting pencil and sweep it across your brow bone, like this—just sweep it across, then blend, blend, blend. Do you see the difference?

Abby: Wow! That makes it really easy for a woman who no longer experiences genuine emotion to feign interest, excitement, or surprise.

Lila: Oh, good. I’m glad it works for you.

Abby: So, Lila, I think there are some women out there wondering if you have any hacks for lips.

Lila: Oh, definitely. Abby, what does every woman desperately want to do?

Abby: Draw attention away from her totally wrecked vagina?

Lila: Well… sure, but I was going to say “plump her pout.” And how do you do that? You take a shimmery lip balm and add a dab right on your Cupid’s bow.

Abby: Right here?

Lila: Yep, that’s it. Just a dab.

Abby: It looks like I’m having a nosebleed.

Lila: No, it looks amazing. I assure you. You look just like Kylie Jenner.

Abby: Are you sure? You don’t notice my wrecked vagina?

Lila: Not at all. Or your useless pelvic floor muscles.

Abby: Wow. That’s the magic of makeup, I guess!

Lila: Magic, or lucrative industry based on exploiting women’s insecurities? I think it’s a toss-up, Abby.

Abby: I think you’re right, Lila. I think you’re right.

Editors’ Notes:

Coincidentally, our editors Leslie and Sarah know a thing or nineteen about beauty products, masking despair, and/or taming facial caterpillars. Here are our top picks (includes some Amazon affiliate links):

For dark circles: Leslie is a big fan of Smashbox Photo Finish Hydrating Under Eye Primer and Sarah likes Benefit Cosmetics Fake-Up Undereye Hydrating Concealer.

Sarah’s favorite tinted moisturizer is Bobbi Brown BB Cream SPF 35. Leslie swears by Laura Mercier Foundation Primer – Radiance.

For “neat little arches” Sarah and Leslie both love Benefit Cosmetics High Brow (in Linen Pink). Sarah also likes Yves Saint Laurent Touche Éclat – Radiant Touch in Luminous Vanilla.

Sarah’s pick for shimmery lip balm is Dior Addict Lip Glow in Pink and Leslie recommends Burt’s Bees Grapefruit Lip Shimmer.

Both of us should own stock in the Tweezerman Tweezer company.

This original piece by Abby Byrd was written exclusively for In the Powder Rooma division of Hold My Purse Productions, LLC. Featured image © Victoreus courtesy of DepositPhotos.com. 

FINALLY: makeup hacks for busy moms with useless pelvic floor muscles! So funny! But also includes real product recommendations from our editors  who know a thing or nineteen about masking the despair of motherhood with beauty products!

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(Mama always said, “Pretty is as pretty does,” but she also kept a pair of tweezers in every room.) 

Abby Byrd is a teacher, a grammarian, and the poster mom for existential angst. Her work has appeared on BLUNTMoms and Scary Mommy and in Scary Mommy’s Guide to Surviving the Holidays. Find her on Twitter @AbbyBWriter, on Facebook (www.facebook.com/AbbyTheWriter), and on her blog, Little Miss Perfect (abbythewriter.com).

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