HILARIOUS! My Husband's Manhood is Affecting Our Marriage. You will LOL!

My Husband’s Manhood Is Affecting Our Marriage

Robyn is having trouble keeping up with her wifely duties.

 

My husband has a problem . . . down there.

Something unsettling is happening in his pants, although—let’s face it—equipment is bound to malfunction with age. And that’s perfectly okay; we all expect it to happen eventually. But in this case, there’s really no excuse I can think of for things to keep getting so worn out this quickly.

I find the evidence of his pant-ular mishaps in a special pile in the laundry room because, for some reason, it falls to me to patch up the problem.

See, my husband suffers from a condition I like to call Premature Crotch Blowout.

It’s exactly as unsexy as it sounds.

That’s right, my husband is a chronic crotch-seam ripper. It happens whether they’re old or brand new, grungy gardening pants or dress slacks, khakis or PJ bottoms. Inevitably, he’ll end up with a wide-open window to his willy, split from the tip of the twig to the bottom of the berries.

Naturally he swears it happens because his macho member is just too virile, as if his man-meat Hulks out and shreds his shorts in a testosterone-y attempt to escape the unfair restrictions imposed by clothing on his bulging muscle.

I’d like to take credit myself, but I just can’t believe that my womanliness alone is enough to inspire his loins to burst through the neatly-serged seams with the wild enthusiasm of the Kool-Aid Man, calling out an oddly suggestive, “Oh, yeahhhhh!”

My actual theory is that the extra wear and tear on his threadbare bottoms is caused by the common male habit of excessively manhandling his own manhood. He, on the other hand, maintains that his pubic parts are being put out in public thanks to legit activity, like overzealous roundhouse kicks or thrust-squats or something. You know, like one does.

I’ll go ahead and let you guess whether the groin grabbing or kickboxing is more realistic.

In any case, I end up zig-zag stitching his artificially enlarged zipper flap, my sad sewing skills leaving him with an unattractive collection of Franken-fly pants in thread that clashes with the fabric, because do you have any idea what a pain it is to swap out spools and bobbins every time Hairy Poppins wants to play peek-a-boo in his britches?

It happens with what I consider to be an abnormal frequency, so I wanted to reach out to you ladies—is my husband the only one? Is there something we’re doing wrong? (I’m right about the fig fondling, aren’t I?) Please tell me you have a solution, because frankly, I’m sick of his crotch getting “tore up” this often by anything other than me.

Help! My Husband's Manhood is Affecting Our Marriage! HILARIOUS piece about marriage, penis size, and wifely duties. You will LOL!

This original piece by Robyn Welling was written exclusively for In the Powder Rooma division of Hold My Purse Productions, LLC. 

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Robyn Welling is a freelance writer, humorist at HollowTreeVentures.com, and co-author of our bestselling humor anthology, “You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth.” She loves sarcasm, sleep, beer, other bottled items, long walks on the beach, and her husband. Oh, and her kids are okay, too. Her goals include becoming independently wealthy, followed by world domination and getting her children to clean their rooms. Until then, she’ll just fold laundry and write about the shortcuts she takes on her journey to becoming a somewhat passable wife, mother, and human being. If history is any guide, she’ll miss the mark entirely.

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Comments

  1. says

    1) Hairy Poppins is the best thing I’ve read all day.
    2) Make him start sewing his own shit.
    3) This comment is obviously given by a single person who doesn’t have to worry about her husband “fondling his fig.”

    Good luck with that, my friend.

  2. Emily says

    This is amazing. Freaking hilarious.
    My husband, too, has that problem. I blame the lunges he does sometimes to adjust things (you know, an alternative to the grab)…but plenty of grabbing happens, too. I don’t understand.
    However, going on the grabbing theory, I have to adjust the girls quite a bit but I’ve never worn out the chest of my shirts. Hmmm….

  3. Mariel says

    This is by far the funniest thing I have read all week. My husband has this exact problem! It gets so frustrating but, unfortunately, my solution is the same as yours (e.g. Use my meager sewing skills to help the pants limp through another month or so). It is getting absurd…and expensive.

  4. Tara Witter says

    My husband was shredding his shorts(ok,undershorts) so frequently that I broke down and bought the super expensive kind (rhymes with blunder farmer), which have done the trick. Of course, they cost so much that they may end up on our dinner table, but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. As to the cause, I’m not sure that twiddling is the issue here. His job requires him to squat roughly 10,000,000 times a day, which is unkind to the crotch area, but gives him an ass that could crack walnuts. Or so I assume…

  5. says

    I’m pretty sure you’re right about the fig fondling. But maybe don’t tell him that. He might be a little sensitive after you compared him to twigs and berries. Or just make more references to his robust man meat.

  6. says

    My husband always wears out the crotch of his jeans too…but only on the left side. Either it’s because he’s right handed or things aren’t symmetrical down there. Not sure which.

  7. says

    OMG Franken-fly and Hairy Poppins!!!

    I didn’t realize you were married to a roundhouse kickin’ American Ninja Warrior? How did I not know that? Am I insulting my husband by revealing that I have never sewn a crotch in our 23 yr relationship?

  8. says

    My husband despite his many faults, does not have crotch-shreading as one of them, which is fortunate b/c I don’t even have meager sewing skills.

    Also, Hairy Potter? I die.

  9. The Peach says

    I am not sure that I will ever be able to make Kool-Aid for my children again…but as to a solution to your problem…Duluth Trading Company Ballroom jeans/pants. (Yes these are real, and the commercials are rather amusing too.)

    • KellyJMF says

      That was snort-my-coffee hilarious. I can also second the Duluth Trading recommendation. I think the jeans/pants/overalls from there are the only ones my hubby owns not riddled with holes.

      I think part of the problem (for non DT garments) is not enough room in the crotch or at least bad geometry and also a lack of spandex. Nearly every garment I own has some spandex in it or is a knit or both. So all our clothes give instead of tear when me move.

      But don’t get me started on his ancient t-shirts with the holes in the chest. Those are definitely from scratching soft shirt against manly chest hair.

      • says

        I never thought about that, but you’re right – all of my pants are stretchy, but none of his are! I definitely need to look into Duluth Trading – do they make shirts? Because he has an underarm-hole problem, too. :)

        • KellyJMF says

          They do also make shirt, most with underarm gussets. The best part is most of them are also long-tail which covers the other side that’s always peeking out of their pants. My husband, father, and brother all have tons of their gear and it stands up really well. They make women’s stuff too — I’ve only tried their shirts, but love them all.

  10. says

    Well, remember that episode of Friends where Joey wore all of the clothes and started doing sweaty lunges? So yeah, it happens, right?
    And “tip of his twig to the bottom of his berries” had me fall right out of my chair.
    Oh, I have no suggestion for you. I do have a suggestion for ME though, with my hubby’s crotch ruined bottoms…what is your address again??

  11. jennywrap6 says

    Ok,wow,you had me Lmao the whole story because my husband too as a serious crotch busting problem. I don’t ask…really don’t want to know…but I do assume that it is from bending, squatting, walking, climbing up and down ladders all day. Yes, his caboose probably could crack some walnuts, yet another thing we don’t discuss because I am insanely jealous. I just say seriously…another pair? And drag my not so “walnut cracking” behind to wally world for another pair…sew I do not!

  12. says

    Member Only. It’s a thing. Get used to it. I’m thinking of writing a blog post… nay, an entire blog, about your junk. *smooch.

  13. Katie G says

    Oh. My. Gosh. I thought my husband was the only one who constantly wore holes in the crotch of his pants! It’s always in the exact same spot, right where the crotch joins the butt. I’ve mended some of his pants so much that I’ve had to give up joining them back together, and go for a butt patch! Super attractive, I know. Oh well, as long as he’s fondling the figs, he can keep on wearing butt patch jeans. 😀

    • says

      Totally – you too?!? Most of his have gotten to the point where there’s a piece of fabric on the inside, sewn to each side of the pants-hole, because there’s no longer enough actual pants left to see together! And if you think any if the patches match the pants, you’re WAY wrong. :)

  14. says

    I think Franken-Fly is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard.

    but not that I’ve seen.
    truly — it’s an issue with them all.
    they don’t even realize how frequent it is. And the worst part is, when I asked hubby “Why!!??? With the….All!?”
    He just said “be thankful we don’t have boobs, cause it could be worse.”

  15. Lynnea says

    Oh I didn’t just laugh I snorted! Mine wears out his crotch too and we have patched his favorites. Glad to know I am not alone.. but I can’t let him read this or I will have to hear about the Hulk and he will walk around saying Oh YEA!

  16. Lauren says

    oh my gracious, I’m going to wake the kids with my snort giggle. The imagery! Oh, the imagery is grand. My hubby has the same problem. I’ve never made anyone nearly pee themselves laughing about it, though. Thanks for that! I needed a good belly laugh to start my day off right 😉

  17. Robyn says

    Too funny!
    You are not alone. My husband has the same habit.
    I was wondering if he does it on purpose to keep me occupied? Or if it is the spreading girth adding to the cramping and stresses if that region.
    My solution – they can wear kilts!

  18. Kimberly Brubaker says

    Oh my goodness, and here for the past 8 years I thought I was the only wife with this problem. At least once a week I would get a call from my husband at work asking me to bring him other pants/shorts depending on the season. I finally just made him start keeping extras in his truck. Who has time to be running to the plant all the time. I wish I knew what was causing it. Even wranglers just won’t hold up long once he wears them lol

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