marijuana is the new red wine by stephanie sprenger in the powder room

Marijuana Is the New Red Wine

Now that marijuana’s legal, will Colorado moms pick up a new pick-me-up?

 

You may or may not have heard that in my home state—Colorado—marijuana became legal this month. As a mother, I will confess that this has me curious. No, no, not about how children will be affected by this new law but rather how parents will be impacted by the legalization of pot.

Since medical marijuana became legal, dispensaries have popped up everywhere. You can’t throw a lighter without hitting a small business named “Green Wellness” or “Mary Jane’s Medicinal.” And now, even people who object to inhaling smoke can find satisfaction! I mean, really, bongs and joints are so 1990s. These days, you can stop by your local dispensary and buy brownies, lollipops, cookies, and pot-infused German pastries! Before legalization, all you had to do was present your medically-obtained card (which one could easily procure by complaining of back pain, PMS, or a fear of Caillou), and you could leave with a week’s supply of “edibles.”

But now you don’t even need a card! No more inventing medical conditions to legally load up on weed—it’s available to one and all. Which brings me back to my question: is marijuana about to become the new go-to coping resource for tired, irritable parents? I suspect that within a few short months, all the trendy local boutiques will be stocking retro aprons with mottos such as “Pot is the new red wine.” Or instead of picturing wineglasses full of Merlot captioned with “Mommy’s sippy cup,” there will be a tasteful glass pipe atop the words, “Mommy’s Pacifier.”

Many weary mamas band together in the face of parental exhaustion, joined by their need for a daily glass (or bottle) of wine. This is totally socially acceptable, not to mention a great marketing gimmick. Is pot the next parenting tool to bring moms together? Will Moms Who Smoke (or Eat) Pot be side by side with Moms Who Need Wine?

Let’s be honest—for many moms, Happy Hour is a thing of the past, regrettably replaced by Crappy Hour, aka the witching hour. This is the time of day when moms begin preparing a healthy, home-cooked meal (or EZ Mac), children begin melting down, and the Disney Channel is once again flipped on. Instead of uncorking your vacuum-sealed Petite Syrah, why not take a petite hit off yesterday’s joint? All that whining, spilling, screaming, and arguing just melts away. Picture it—the ideal survival tool to get through the worst time of day.

Perhaps the potheads of years past actually had parents in mind when they deemed 4:20 the official time to smoke up. It’s perfect: school’s out, homework is in full swing, dinner has yet to be prepared—why not break out your rolling papers (carefully hidden with Mommy’s other goodies in her nightstand) and give yourself a fighting chance to make it until bedtime without losing your shit? Flip on your Pink Floyd Pandora station, add some bacon to your grilled cheese sandwich, and you’re in parenting paradise.

Instead of listening to your children whisper, “Why is Mommy so crabby?” you’ll hear, “Why is Mommy laughing again?” Really, everyone wins. In the meantime, I plan to carefully note if the demeanor of the parents at school pickup notably shifts this winter. If I’m right, and weed is the new red wine, feel free to hop a flight to Denver and join me for Crappy Hour at my place any time. Just don’t forget the donuts and Doritos.

Stephanie Sprenger is a freelance writer, blogger, music therapist, and mother of two young girls. She can generally be found in front of her laptop, behind her guitar, or underneath a pile of laundry.

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  1. Diane says

    I have my card can’t wait for it to be legalized so I don’t have to be around all those sloppy mean drunks.

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