Menopausal Maniacal Minds & Literature
Thanks for tuning in to our final installment of the Menopausal Mania Quiz series. If you missed either of the first two installments, just click below to get caught up.
If you’re anything like me, you read the last page of a novel first to make sure everything turns out all right. But is that normal or lunatic behavior? Find out in Section I (Menopausal Maniacal Minds) below. And since we’re on the subject of reading novels, we have some doozies for you in Section II (Menopausal Books for Kooks).
And away we go!
SECTION I—Menopausal Maniacal Minds: Is this Sane Behavior? Yes/No Response
(Note: Some women ask themselves, “Would Lucy Ricardo do this?” as a benchmark for craziness.)
- You phone someone—when they say “Hello,” you frantically ask, “Wait, whom did I just call?” Y/N
- You eat brownie batter (hey, Rocky never got Salmonella drinking those raw eggs, did he?!) but this results in 1/8 inch thin, crepe-like brownies so you serve them to naïve guests as the new French dessert, “Brepes.” Y/N
- You heard you should consult your doctor before beginning any exercise program, but he’s retired now, so you nap instead of doing a plank. Y/N
- At Halloween, when Trick-or-Treaters come to your front door, they are greeted with an empty bowl on the front porch with a few frantically torn Snickers wrappers. The sign says, “Binge-Eating Disorder House. Please do not egg.” Y/N
- You de-friend any female on Facebook whose profile photo is a woman with bouncy hair, prancing through lavender (or wheat/poppy) fields while waving a filmy white scarf, or who features a quote that says, “The Present moment is a Gift” or “Dance like Nobody is Watching.” Y/N
- There are flashcards taped on the wall of every room of your house to suggest what your purpose might have been for originally entering it. Prompts may include: defrost chicken for dinner, yell at children, masturbate, feed the dog, take Ginkgo Biloba to help with memory loss, clean out closet and return all tagged clothing to Nordstrom for a full refund. (Ignore that last one—your husband thinks he’s so smart!) Y/N
- Sometimes when you have insomnia and your mate is zzzzzz-ing away, you drag the dresser bureau, the nightstands, and the bed (with him in it) around into different positions. You then frantically pull his arm until he awakens, announcing that an interior decorator just broke into the house to rearrange the furniture. And now you need new drapes. Y/N
SECTION II—Menopausal Books for Kooks
Name the author of these famous books:
- Withering Nights (Wuthering Heights)
- The Importance of Seeing an Internist (The Importance of Being Ernest)
- Kvetcher and the Rye—Old Jewish Woman in a Deli (Catcher in the Rye)
- The Legend of Weepy Wallow (The Legend of Sleepy Hallow)
- All of Her Cysts! (Oliver Twist)
- Struck Thin (Huck Finn)
- Mopey Chick (Moby Dick)
- Shred Bag to Discourage—A Shopaholic’s Recovery Bible (Red Badge of Courage)
- Weight Fluctuations (Great Expectations)
- Grapes of Bath—Wine Recommendations for the Hot Tub (Grapes of Wrath)
Name the author of these famous children’s books:
- Goodnight Prune (Goodnight Moon)
- Poky Little Progesterone (Poky Little Puppy)
- Lean Legs & Gam (Green Eggs & Ham)
- I’ll Love You Forever! (Until I get dementia and forget who you are.)
- Are You There Bod? It’s Me Menopause! (Are You There God, It’s Me Margaret!)
- Charlotte’s Web of Sexual Deceit (Charlotte’s Web)
- Where the Wild Flings Are! (Where the Wild Things Are)
RELATED: The Very Hungry Frickin’ Caterpillar
SCORING: In Section I—give yourself a Hershey’s Kiss for each time you think you might try one of these crazy stunts in the future. In Section II—The Authors have chosen to remain anonymous so each time you guessed John Steinbeck or Earnest Hemingway, you’ve violated their privacy. Would you want someone to guess your dress size? Shame on you! If you insist on earning points—divide the year you were born by the number of calories you had for breakfast and multiply that by your total cholesterol minus your weight. Feeling confused? That means it’s time to go back to the Menopausal Math Section in part 1 of this series and start all over. After all, that’s the Circle of Menopausal Life. Thank you for playing!
This original piece by Stephanie D. Lewis was written exclusively for In the Powder Room, a division of Hold My Purse Productions, LLC.
Featured image © depositphotos.com/AnnaOmelchenko.