Welcome to our 7th installment of “Mother Rose Best,” our own unique weekly recap of The Bachelor, with bonus parenting advice mined from the rose-scented wreckage…
Week Seven took us back to Ben’s Indiana hometown where he gleefully cruised around in a red pick-up, waved at old ladies, and took selfies in front of his high-school locker. Across town, the girls frolicked outside, while an overzealous Emily attempted to yank out her IUD and birth Ben’s baby in a pile of leaves.
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Lauren’s one-on-one included Ben’s usual faves: high school, church, and memorializing the site of his first kiss with tiny, tight-lipped smooches.
At the youth center where Saint Ben used to volunteer, some pro ballers popped by, Lauren jumped rope, and Ben comforted a crying child who was so bored that he was in actual physical pain. Lauren left, believing 100% that Ben was her guy.
Jojo’s date card promised “Love in the Windy City,” which Emily assumed was right where she was sitting due to the breeze ruffling her hair.
Ben brought Jojo to Wrigley Field to hit metaphorical home runs and dine in the outfield. Jojo’s insecurity level appeased Ben and for the 983rd time, he commented about being himself around her.
Upon realizing she had a one-on-one, Emily joy-sobbed while group-daters Becca, Caila and Amanda patted her hair and smiled like single bridesmaids.
The group date was to an idyllic farm with a rose MORE POWERFUL THAN ANY OTHER ROSE, for it guaranteed a hometown date. Its mere presence slathered the girls in insecurity like Jolen Crème Bleach on a stubborn mustache.
Becca was frightened of her new feelings, which were different new feelings than the new feelings she’d felt for the last Bachelor. She begged Ben not to blindside her.
Amanda remarked that she never introduced men to her daughters, preferring that they watch her bad decisions play out on national television.
Caila was nothing more than “moss looking for her perfect tree.”
Amanda got the coveted rose, forcing Caila and Becca to second-guess their self-worth in the back of a limo.
Unleashed for her one-on-one, Emily marveled at everything from ducks to water to patio furniture. She was terrified to meet Ben’s parents, who grilled her on weighty issues like, “What’s your most favorite thing?”
They returned home so Ben could dump her in the back yard while the other girls looked on, downing chardonnay and analyzing facial expressions. Lauren embraced Emily in a chokehold and whispered, “Shh, sleep, puppy, sleep,” until the tears stopped.
Becca’s “no blindsiding” plea fell on deaf ears as she was released without a rose, but a still intact hymen.
Insecurity begets teachable moments. Each lady brought both:
1. You’re not making a living looking for love, so take some time off and chill.
2. Conversation is an art. Learn it instead of blabbing to prospective in-laws about wanting to be an NFL cheerleader.
3. If you’re constantly “putting yourself out there” and getting nothing in return, focus your energy elsewhere.
4. Don’t “try” to fall in love. It happens or doesn’t.
5. That person “you’re most yourself around?” Pick them. Forever is a really long time to be someone else.
“The Bachelor” airs Mondays at 8|7c on ABC.