Motherhood is the Longest Job Interview Ever via In the Powder Room

Motherhood is the Longest Job Interview Ever

I almost cracked this morning.

Legit, straight jacket, get thee to a nunnery Ophelia, cracked.

I was depositing a check into the ATM, an action I have done countless times. An action that is so simple, a trained chimp can do it.

But there I was, outside the bank.

And the machine had so many questions. Pin number? Language choice? Deposit? Withdrawal? Did I want a receipt?

Easy, routine questions, with answers I actually know. But this morning, I sat there, dumbfounded. Shocked at the slow reaction time of my brain.

Then it happened.

I started to laugh. And not just a giggle, a full on, no-holds-barred, belly laugh. I sat in my car laughing for at least 6 minutes. I laughed so long and so hard, I scared the baby.

After 3 consecutive days with all of my children, I am questioned out.

These kids are like little sponges, small but powerful and mighty supercomputers. They all are little Johnny 5′s yelling at me, “Input! Need more input! Input!!! INPUT!”

I am their Encyclopedia Britannica. The first source of all their knowledge. And I am tapped out. I’m tired of talking. I’m tired of answering. I’m tired of questions.

Because there is a six year age difference between my oldest two, I’m slowing discovering that the questions asked of me are on two different levels of my consciousness. The 3-year-old asks general questions about life . . .

“Where do lollipops grow?”

“Will I be big like Daddy one day?”

“Is Daddy your brother?”

“How your ’gina (short for vagina) work?”

“Where did I grow?”

While the 9-year-old asks questions of fact . . .

“Do I have soccer tonight?”

“What did you pack me for lunch?”

“Do I have to read everyday this week?”

“When does so-and-so get back from sleep away camp?”

“Can I play with my cousin on Wednesday?”

This huge difference forces me to recesses of my brain I didn’t know existed. If the average human only uses 10% of their brain, I’m pretty sure the average mom is forced to use more. Where the hell is Alex Trebeck when you need him?

Of course, like every mom, I want my kids to be well rounded, inquisitive and knowledgeable. I answer all their copious questions with as much of a straight face as I can keep and to the best of my knowledge based upon their level of understanding. But, MY G-D . . . I feel like I am on the longest job interview EVER!! And I don’t see the end in sight.

No one likes interviewing for a job. Personally, I’d rather have a root canal—it’s quicker and less painful. If you are interviewing for a job that means one of two things: either you are out of work (really high pressure because you need a job) or you hate your current job (also very high stress).

But here’s the thing about the job interview that is Motherhood . . .

I ALREADY HAVE THIS JOB!

It’s mine.

My resume has been checked and is on file. Background check? Done. You little animals have my DNA. References? Ask your father.

But the incessant questions will continue, no matter what.

They will always have questions for me.

Maybe about quantum physics or my past, or their future, or what color is made when you mix red and white . . . and no matter how much I’d like to hide in the closet with my headphones on listening to Prince’s Purple Rain album in its entirety, on repeat . . . I can’t.

At least not today.

Because they asked for Chicken and Dumplings for dinner and I’m gonna make it.

I just need to ask my mom for her recipe.

 

Image credit: © Depositphotos.com/creatista

Amy grew up in the suburbs of Long Island singing Barbara Streisand hits into her hairbrush. When she’s not writing her hilarity fueled parenting memoir as The Outnumbered Mother, she’s a Florida living, butt wiping, soccer team carting, gourmet chef attempting, tennis skirt wearing, non-tennis playing, self-proclaimed bad mamma jamma to 3 sons and a very understanding husband.

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  1. says

    YES! And YES! And what about when one just TALKSANDTALKSANDTALKS…until finally I am forced to ask “Are you having a conversation with ME???”

    Endless Job interview…yes. Except if you DO NOT get hired the boss goes postal.

  2. Carolina says

    So, this morning, I said to myself…I’m an encyclopia to my 5 year old. Apparently, I know a lot about coffee (beans, how to grow them, where the DO NOT grow, and why we’re not taking a plane trip to visit where they do grow). I need more books!

  3. says

    They ask so many questions my brain starts to curl up on itself and I forget what things are called. I end up randomly throwing words into the air in the desperate hope I’ll eventually discover the right one:

    “I said to turn that mirror, plant, glass, LIGHT off!”, “No you can’t eat chair, wood, CHIPS at this time of night”. The good thing is the kids are either so confused or amused by this they stop questioning and simply laugh. at. me.

  4. says

    Love, love this. Sometimes I just say “because.” Unfortunately, at 12 and 9 mine will not accept that answer. It’s non-stop. The 12 year old mostly answers questions because, yes, he’s now smarter than I am. The 9 year old has more energy than any human I have ever met and is curious about everything. EVERYTHING. Endearing, until it’s not. Great post.

    My favorite question from my kids ever was my now 12 yo who at 3 when I was pregnant with his brother asked “Wait a minute? How did Daddy’s sperm get into your egg?” I answered with the anatomically correct answer, penis in vagina to which he said “Well that’s silly. Can I have some more Cheeios?”

  5. Dana says

    Great post, thank the gods mine are now teenagers and I assure you the question get more interesting.
    I do have a bit of unsolicited advice, if you do nothing else keep talking to them honestly, like you would an adult with a little age appropriate editing of course.

    Personally I’m so incredibly great full my kids understand more as teens than I did at 30 and I guarantee neither has any delusions they are “entitled” to anything without working for it

    Keep it up.

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