Mother's Day cards that should exist!

Mother’s Day Cards That Should Exist

If you’d rather lick a subway handrail than shop for Mother’s Day cards, this one’s for you.

 

I have to admit, I get pretty excited about Mother’s Day. I’m a mom! It’s MY day!

But Mother’s Day is not just about getting to sleep in, or being served breakfast in bed, or getting to take a day off from picking the lice eggs from your children’s scalps. It’s also about telling the other mothers in your life how you feel about them.

And that isn’t always the easiest thing to do…

…especially if you have unresolved issues. And frankly, who doesn’t?

I usually make my own cards for my mom, step-mom, and mother-in-law.

No, it’s not because I’m crafty and/or cheap, although both of those are true.

It’s because I can never find cards that really fit the way I feel about any of my three moms. Every card I pick up is either too sappy, or inaccurate, or just not me.

And a vast majority of my girlfriends feel the same way.

So we got to brainstorming about sentiments we would really like to see the next time we’re standing in the card aisle of Target, cursing the day we were born, and wondering why there isn’t a mass marketed Passive Aggressive Greetings brand.

Here’s what happened next. Enjoy!

DISCLAIMER: All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

  • Thanks for bringing my husband into the world. Your job is done now so back off. Have a great Mother’s Day.
  • Mom…do you know how hard it was to find a card that doesn’t say “You’re the best mom ever,” or “I don’t know what I would do without you?” Pretty hard. But look! I found one!
  • Dearest Step Mother, you’re always on my mind…especially when I’m trying to decide what to eat and I hear your voice in my head criticizing my figure. Thanks for the body image issues.
  • Dear MIL…stop saying “You took my last son…” You should be thanking me. You’re welcome.
  • Dear Mom, on this day of all days, I want to say thank you for always giving me that look that says “YOU CAN DO BETTER!” even when I scored a 95 on a test or came in 2nd place in an essay contest. Your special look is burned into my mind so that I see it dozens of times each day as I fall short of my potential. And I remember, it’s not good enough—I should try harder. Happy Mother’s Day.
  • MIL, this Mother’s Day I want to tell you how much you mean to me. But, I can’t because BITCH I HATE YOU.
  • Thank you for the $5, Grandma. I used it to buy you this Mother’s Day card.
  • Happy Mother’s Day, Mom. This year let’s trip over ourselves trying to accommodate each other so that neither of us gets what we really want.
  • Mother, thank you for telling my daughter masturbation causes hand paralysis. I closed my hand in the door and she came home to me wearing a brace. Thank you for that conversation.
  • Happy Mother’s Day to the woman who taught me everything I know. With love, from the stupidest human on the planet.
  • MIL, on this Mother’s Day and always, I’m so very thankful that we live 1,000 miles apart.
  • Dear Mom, who always embarrassed me as a teenager with your talk-to-everyone-in-the-universe-wherever-we-went schtick. Shit. I’m just like you.
  • Happy Mother’s Day to a MIL with whom I never expect to have any conversation of substance whatsoever.
  • Dear Grandma, I love everything about you…except your breath, which makes me wonder if a constipated polecat crawled down your throat and died.
  • Happy Mother’s Day, Step-Mom! I’ll just assume you like my gift since your oddly smooth forehead can no longer register expression.
  • MIL, I wish you good health… Because there is no way you’re ever coming to live with me and I don’t want to have that fight with your son.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the mothers, and to all the daughters who survive those mothers. May your parenting choices today translate into gorgeous heart-felt cards tomorrow.

(I’ll call you on Sunday, Mom. Probably.)

This original piece by Leslie Marinelli was written exclusively for In the Powder Rooma division of Hold My Purse Productions, LLC. Featured image © istock.com/CREATISTA. 

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Leslie Marinelli is a writer, wife, mother of three, toilet humor aficionada, and transplanted Pittsburgher trapped in the suburbs of Atlanta. She’s the CEO and Editor-in-Chief of In the Powder Room, the creative force behind the award-winning tell-all mom blog, The Bearded Iris, and the editor and co-author of In the Powder Room’s hilarious bestselling anthology, “You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth.”

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    • says

      Ha! Good thing for caller-ID, eh?!

      I would also like to point out that this is not specifically about MY mother-in-law, who is a saint. This post was a group effort and contains tidbits about a number of my friends’ mothers, step-mothers, and MILs. (The $5 grandma comment is about my grandma though. Rest her soul.)

  1. says

    “Dear Mom, who always embarrassed me as a teenager with your talk-to-everyone-in-the-universe-wherever-we-went schtick. Shit. I’m just like you.”

    Could you please go ahead and make that into a card? I’ll pay top dollar.

    It is so much the truth I can hardly stand it.

    Every single day of my life…I am more and more my mother.

    =)

  2. says

    So perfect! I see a bright future for you in the passive aggressive card line. Who is buying all of the cards with soft focus pictures of flowers and two pages of cheesy, sentimental poetry? I’d like to thank my mom for being such a helpful grandmother and for the inherited varicose veins. Where’s that card?

    • says

      Now THAT is a card I would buy, Allison! My mom really is a very helpful grandmother and I adore her for it, but I could have done without the chin-hair and the varicose veins.

  3. Teresa says

    Outstanding!! And 1000 miles, I scoff at you, I’ve got closer to 2! lol But yes, father’s day is equally hard and I wish these were real!

  4. says

    I too annoy my children with my chatty nature to random strangers. Just like my mother.
    Next, I’ll be cutting newspaper clippings to show my grand kids and saving used aluminum foil.

  5. says

    These are awesome! They’d totally fit in with my new business idea, WTF Greeting Cards. So far I’ve come up with something for almost every fucked up situation…except Mother’s Day!I’ll be in touch. In the meantime, have a Vasectomy card on me:

    We wanted a kid
    now we’re done
    I popped out six
    instead of one

    There’s no more sex
    between us, thanks
    unless you’re snipped
    and shooting blanks

    For the love of god, please get a vasectomy!

  6. says

    You made me laugh out loud…and that is hard to do! Tough to pick a favorite, but this one really resonated with me: MIL, I wish you good health… Because there is no way you’re ever coming to live with me and I don’t want to have that fight with your son.

  7. says

    OMG. YES. We need these. Because this one, I’d buy in triplicate:

    “Mom…do you know how hard it was to find a card that doesn’t say “You’re the best mom ever,” or “I don’t know what I would do without you?” Pretty hard. But look! I found one!”

  8. says

    Spot on. I have always felt that the words “back off” were missing from the greeting card industry. Also, “Bitch I hate you.”

  9. says

    Thanks for the much needed laugh today! These are all priceless, but especially the “…I’m just like you. Shit.” :-) One to add: ” Mom, When I was young I wanted to grow up to be just like you. Now I thank my lucky stars that I’m not.”
    Happy Mother’s Day!

  10. Kria says

    I think this would get shared a LOT more, if we all didn’t have to be “friends” with our moms on fb…and siblings & step siblings…etc. A friend of mine and I have been discussing this concept for years. Ours all started with… “Thanks for not aborting me, I’m grateful you never let me forget that.”….keep coming up with em! for father’s day we have “Thanks Dad for putting up with “that miserable *itch” for just long enough to make me :-)

  11. says

    These are hysterical! I spent an eternity in Target the other day agonizing over the Mother’s Day card dilemma and was finally able to find one that just said “Happy Mother’s Day”. Thank gawd! But these are infinitely more fun!!

  12. says

    I work in the stationery industry and see a lot of snarky cards. If you need some connections, have your people call my people. 😉

  13. sue says

    I SO hated buying Mother’s Day cards for my MIL, I once went into a card shop and asked one of the associates to “just pick out a card. any one will do.”. she nearly shit herself trying to get the right card for me. as if there was such a thing. HA!

  14. says

    I have to agree with the MIL post. about 1000 miles apart. I hope she doesn’t read this…. oh thats right, she has to learn to fire up the computer first.

  15. Tammy says

    Mom…do you know how hard it was to find a card that doesn’t say “You’re the best mom ever,” or “I don’t know what I would do without you?” Pretty hard. But look! I found one! YES, YES, YES!!! I just had a total meltdown to my poor husband because my mother wants to come over TONIGHT, SPEND THE NIGHT and ALL DAY TOMORROW with me! I requested sleep from my Husband and my Son for mothers day and MY mother is RUINING it! My Mom never raised me and was in and out of my life until I was 16, the woman who DID raise me (My Nan) passed away 3 years ago this month and took Mother’s day with her. My MIL understands, why can’t my mom understand? End of rant 😉 That was strangely therapeutic!

    • Leslie Marinelli says

      I’m so sorry about the loss of your Nan, Tammy. I hope you did get some sleep for Mother’s Day, and that you were able to find some peace amidst the chaos of your birth mom’s visit. And yay for you finding a place to vent! Glad it was therapeutic and that you found this piece and related to it. Happy Mother’s Day, sister!

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