My Husband the Pubic Menace

My Husband Is a Pubic Menace

My husband and I have been together a long time. We’ve lived in three different houses. We’ve had a son together. We’ve gone through illness and recovery, changes of employment, and emotional ups and downs aplenty.

So how do we keep it hot?

Just kidding. This isn’t one of those articles about how to keep the spunk in your funk. But it IS about how your man maintains his junk.

Manscaping. Let’s talk about it.

 

 RELATED: MY HUSBAND’S MANHOOD IS AFFECTING OUR MARRIAGE

 

I personally don’t have an opinion on manscaping either way—at least not with regards to the look of it. Bushy or bald, as long as he doesn’t smell like a musk ox down there, I’m good. So when my husband asks me if it’s time for a trim, I just shrug. Sure. Go for it. Or not. I don’t mind.

However. What I do mind is the fallout of manscaping. I mind that very much. Because whatever might inspire my husband to “take a little off the top,” that motivation never extends to cleaning up the 40,000 pube corpses he leaves behind. (He claims he “doesn’t see them.”)

This chaps my ass. I’m the one who cleans the bathrooms, and in a house dominated by dudes, the bathrooms are already disgusting. I don’t need a weekly visit from the Pube Fairy to make my job even grosser.

Don’t get me wrong. I appreciate the fact that my husband likes to keep himself neat and tidy down below. I’m sure it equates to all of my own beauty routines that no one really notices but still make me feel pretty and sexy. I’m sure my husband’s manscaping does the same for him.

The difference is that when I’m done with my grooming, I don’t expect HIM to clean up the detritus.

“Hey, baby. Welcome home after twelve hours of work. Oh, you want to go wash your face and lie down? You’ll have to move the ten pounds of makeup I left scattered all over the bed and bathroom.”

“Hey, baby. Thanks for shoveling a foot of snow out of the driveway. I clipped my toenails in the middle of the kitchen floor, don’t step in those. Even better, here’s a broom and dustpan. Have at it.”

“Hey, baby. You are so gorgeous. Maybe we can fool around . . . right after you empty out my Pedi-Egg.”

The point I’m making is that the special things you do in the interest of sex appeal aren’t going to be too effective if your partner ends up having to do A CHORE as a result, and manscaping is no exception. It may keep things fresh and have a slightly metrosexual appeal, but if I’m spending the whole next day wiping up a mess of damp, crunchy pubes? Please. That ain’t hot. That’s just . . . not.

I love my husband dearly. But we could take sex to a whole new level if I knew I wasn’t going to have to sweep up a metric ton of his crotch spiders each and every time he shears himself down.

Just clean it up, husband.

CLEAN IT UP!

 

Originally published by BLUNTmoms.

 

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Sarah del Rio is the Deputy Editor and Tomboy Princess of In the Powder Room. She is also a freelance writer and editor, whose award-winning humor blog est. 1975 brings levity and perspective to the ladies of Generation X. Sarah has been featured on In the Powder Room, Scary Mommy, BLUNTMoms, the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop, and The Huffington Post Best Parenting Tweets of the Week List. Like her on Facebook and follow her on Twitter @est1975blog.

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  1. says

    I’m going to use crotch spiders as much as possible from now on. That is brilliant. Don’t worry, I will cite you every time I quote you, even if I have to do air parentheses.

  2. says

    Sigh. I’ve learned to live with the majority of my husband’s curlies.
    It’s when I go to my in-laws and find my FIL’s pubes that makes me want to claw my eyes out with a fork.

    • says

      You are SO right. I had the same reaction after one of my sister’s ex-boyfriends left the guest room looking like it had wall to wall carpet. Wall to wall CURLY carpet. Thanks for reading and commenting!

  3. Kadide says

    Oh my dear God. I thought cleaning up the beard trimmings was ick-tastic. I think I’ll take my chances with the Musk Ox rather than have to clean up after it has been groomed.

    And, yeah, totally read this at work and had to stifle my cackling. Thanks for the giggles.

    • says

      I don’t have to do beard or mustache trimmings (thankfully he shaves in the shower) but the curlies are gross enough to compensate. Isn’t the Musk Ox great? Thank our lovely editor Leslie for coming up with that one for me! And thank YOU for reading!

  4. says

    My husband is pretty much bald. You’d think this would mean that I don’t have a similar problem. But there are short dark hairs ALL OVER MY BATHROOM. My hair is long. And not dark. I totally agree it takes away from the mystical appeal of the manscaping.

    • says

      RIGHT?! What the hell. I should sprinkle pubes all over his face while he sleeps and see if he DOESN’T SEE THEM then.

      Ew, but then they would be in my bed. Scratch that idea.

      Thanks for reading, T!

  5. says

    OMG, I love this! Hey, imo manscaping is in! I don’t want to go down on my man and end up with a mouth of hair, pubic hair at that! So kudo’s to the men who are doing it and don’t look like little boys afterward! LOL And yes, by all means CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELVES!

    B

  6. Heidi says

    Lord, I am right there with you. Not only does my husband not clean up his pubes that he leaves all over the bathroom floor, he also shaves his fave and leaves it. It never fails, they end up escaping into my contacts case. HOW?

    • says

      I find pubes and miscellaneous hairs EVERYWHERE in the bathroom. EVERYWHERE. So when he finds one of my long hairs somehow lodged in his butt crack and has to pull it out, I do not even feel bad. 😉

  7. says

    How do I love this? Let me count the ways. I love this for all the times I’ve sauntered in for a pee only to have to sweep, wipe the seat, and quasi shave the soles of my pubed-up feet.
    I love this for the man-hair clogged drains I’ve had to dig free before I can soak in the tub. And for the sinks that apparently sprouted their own beards after the weekly logging of the chin-forest.
    And I love it for the humor which you instilled.

  8. says

    Crotch spiders? Absolutely hilarious. I have two boys who routinely trim their leg hair and that’s bad enough to clean up but pubic hair is gross – almost as gross as the stuff left in a pedi-egg.

  9. says

    OH. MAH GAH. I wish I could tell you in detail about the time I patted my freshly-washed face with a hand towel that held two metric tons of my Current Legal Spouse’s pubes. After an afternoon of manscaping, he had folded it neatly (wtf? WHY?) and “forgot” to bring it to the laundry room. But that story would be terribly embarrassing FOR HIM, so I won’t tell you…

  10. says

    Hahaha! Hilarious! That sh!t floats too, right around the house on a soft zephyr depositing coarse n curly offcuts over everything that doesn’t move quickly enough.

  11. says

    THIS IS GREAT! I can’t stop laughing! Maybe because I can relate. My hubs also shaves and leaves a giant mess. Except he shaves his head and his face and sometimes his chest. Don’t ask. Too bad he can’t reach his back…. ANYWAY… he leaves a ginormous mess for me every. dang. time.

  12. Donna T says

    The timing of this article is perfect! There is nothing grosser than finding piles of hair all over the bathroom sink! It’s everywhere, even in the tub! It’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen.

    I honestly don’t know how an individual lives like this.

  13. says

    PEDI EGG!! hahaha! Oh man, those things are really disgusting. Especially when you can hear the dead skin rattling around in the ‘egg’. as you buff away… YECK! Great post!!

  14. says

    You just made me glad my husband’s a hairy beast, with nary an eye towards his own crotch.

    Or something. Anyhow, he’s all wild and hippy down there, like a porn star from the ’70s. I just decided I’m okay with that.

  15. Dana says

    Amen!!

    My husband owns a small business, we aren’t rich but far from poor.
    He refuses to spend $5 On a haircut so he cuts his hair in the bathroom. In the bathroom like it’s no biggie, I’ve begged him to go on the back porch at least because bless his heart he cleans up after each trim and still there’s thousands of little hairs everywhere, this is a major issue with us. It’s gross!

    I fear we will eventually divorce if he doesn’t stop.

    It’s $5 and when the barber does it he is even and no bald spots my hubby has bald spots all over the back, it’s embarrassing.

    • says

      The only other men I know who cut their hair at home are Rhett and Link (rhettandlink.com) and I have doubts that they actually do, because their hair always looks perfect. Thanks for reading!

  16. CaliHoosier says

    I’m DYING!!!! This is my first visit to this blog and I’m dying. I’m sitting in my daughter’s gymnastics practice snorting and trying so hard to not to unleash maniacally laughter. I’m not doing well and and receiving some serious side-eye from the woman next to me.

    It was a rough day and I needed the cackle. Thank you. You have a new loyal reader.

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